Going North Up Sherbourne

Conclusion

2004-12-30T22:02:00.000-08:00

Thank you one and all for riding this wave with me in 2004.

I end this blog at the same computer at which it started, buried deeply into the safety that is my childhood bedroom. Everything around me is familiar and yet nothing is the same.

This has been the most incredible year of my life.

I cut my hair, left my career, walked away from a dream, sold all my materials goods, said farewell to a city that held me for ten years and ended a relationship with a man who i could have easily stayed with forever. I did it all because at some point i had begun to not recognize myself and i knew i needed to shed all my stories and all my life boats and all my habitual definitions and see what lurked beneath. I set out this year to find a new path and decided ultimately to do it all by myself. There were some points i wondered if i might drown. There were definitly moments that i didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. But because of my new found faith in It All, in myself, i trusted the Universe and it has delivered me.

And now i am living a life more raw and real and beautiful and authentic than i ever thought imaginable. In fact, like the book that Jordan gave me for Christmas, it seems that i will be living an unimaginable life from here on in.

I have new dreams that quietly grow in me daily...baby dreams, MY dreams - seedlings that i water and nuture and protect...

I have a new geographical home. I look at mountains on my way to work, i dance on beaches that touch the Pacific Ocean, i have a wardrobe of umbrellas.

I have my very own sanctuary. Living on my own is as wondeful as i always thought it would be. My apartment is a home -- warm, welcoming, inspired, safe.

I have kept the old friendships that have embraced my changed and evolved Self and gently released those that have not. I have made so many new friends with such shining souls that i can't believe that i have not known them a lifetime.

I have discovered ways of dancing and singing and writing and performing that are not about competeing and judging and achieving and panicking.

I have looked my ego straight in the face and said - no more will you beat on me. No more will you try to convince me that i am selfish or cold or spoiled or cruel or lazy or fat or a failure. I will not allow you to treat me like shit anymore. The only one welcome here is the Truth and that Truth knows that i am perfect, beautiful, lovable and kind. I have a restraining order out on Ego and my bruises are starting to fade.

I have started a flow of money in my life that feels so good that i refuse to apologize for it or its source -which i know is ultimately Spirit. I like my job for the freedom it has given me, for the safe vehicle that it has provided to get me from there to here. I wear corporate power clothes, i 'do' lunch, i give out business cards, i look forward to weekends. I am having so much fun and although i know it is not where i will end up, i am enjoying the journey.

I have a great car, i have acquired beautiful things, i will most likely acquire more of them...or not. Whatever. I know now that i don't need things and, although i enjoy them, i could sell everything again tomorrow and be perfectly content. What freedom!

I have lost weight, healed my body of several maladies and have an immune system so strong that i feel untouchable.

I have watched my love affair with transpersonal psychology through Course in Miracles, Science of Mind and other New Thought teachings grow and grow and grow. These teachings/philosophies are not a 'phase' i am going through. They are the manifestation of my silent ponderings, the culmination of my 27 year search for home.

Last, but not least, i have been handed Jordan Hart Goode Lewin. I said goodbye to Aidan to do the next leg of my journey alone and i wasn't sure when or how i would ever be ready to be in partnership again. What i forgot was that wasn't a decision i needed to make. Life made it for me. On November 27 i met my next biggest challange. I have redefined myself, proven to myself who i am without anyone, experienced joy on my own under my own direction. Now Life is asking me to do all this while opening completely once again to love. Every fear i have ever had about myself and men and relationships and heartbreaks and sex have come to visit me again in the form of a beautiful man who adores me. I thought at first i wasn't ready, but i know better. Nothing is handed to you that you aren't ready for...

So 2005 will begin with me feeling more myself than ever before AND with my hand being held by a boy from Colarado - who i know is just another angel here to deliver me to myself. I don't know what is going to happen. I get that there are no guarantees. I am aware that i will miss the mark sometimes and feel fear and get lost and be found and redefine stuff day in and day out. I commit only to 2 things: showing up and....well...lol... making up the rest as i go along. But i know. I know that i know that i know.

I have never been so happy. I have never felt so precious. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

"Let the adventure begin, for we are ready. Welcome magic, which is everything real we can not see, welcome insanity, which is everything unexplainable we were taught to fear. Welcome Spirit, which is love, welcome love, which is everything."

Controlling Control and the Co-Dependants

2004-12-21T15:37:00.000-08:00

There is nothing easy about two individuals with 20-odd years of heartbreak and drama and experience choosing to share the most intimate parts of themselves and then asking it all to run smoothly, tickety boom.

In a perfect world where we all didn't invest in believeing a bunch of phooey that isn't capital T True, it would be easy. As it is, getting out of love's way is a challange. Then adding sex into the mix makes it an even bigger challange. Four sets of friends are currently getting divorced after a very short try at marriage. We want to share our lives, but in many cases we don't know how. It is tiring work, because it involves having to really look at your stuff, at yourself. It seems easier to stay single. Thus, Christmas time is the biggest season of the year for break ups. I have ex's out there that hate me, some that still resent me and others who won't even think of me. It makes you wonder if it is all worth it...

Then you wake up one morning and you see him sleeping beside you and you remember the night before when he had the courage to show you dark corners of himself .... you feel his hand pressed on your chest right where your heart is as if he almost reached out in his sleep to anchor himself and when he opens his eyes and sees you looking down at him he instantly smiles shyly. This man is both strong and weak and brave and afraid ... he is beautiful when he remembers and he is lost when he forgets. He looks at you to find out if you are still willing to stay and stay even after you've seen bumps ...and you are floored at how, instead of running, everything about him that morning is even more beautiful than it was before. There is nowhere you would rather be and the risks all seem insignificant. Then he kisses you like he must consume you ormaybe the moment and it is perfection and your body is screaming yes and your mind is screaming yes and your heart is screaming yes and so you have your answer...

Yes.

It is worth it.

But what do you think?

I give you: cottoncandy-sticky-fingers, crabapple blossoms, Calgary car rides with mom, caring just 'cause, century homes to renovate, can-can contracts, christmas coming soon, celebration of soltice, coupledom and contact info if you want to call me:

Dec 22-Jan 2: 306-694-1418.

I will await your answers.

Ciao.

Cacophony

2004-12-20T15:51:00.000-08:00

"In a wide sea of eyes, i see one pair that i recognize"

With two hours of sleep --- i stumble to put these thoughts down...so screw punctuation today or grammar or sentence structure or or or...

i float.

a cloud descended over the day i walked away from aidan, but in the rain that fell i knew i was washing clean a slate full of hating myself and i eagerly started painting a new picture of me.
i wake up now and i can't believe the life i am living.

i stand in the hallway of corporate souls, eating birthday cake, i sit at lunch with an old friend that has loved me since i was 15, i cash a cheque from a woman i knew and now know and i fall in love again....and again....and again.

this man, head propped up on a pile of blankets, hoping to save the world, hoping to inspire courage...burns an image of himself on my heart and those blue eyes and that red turtle neck sweater and that peanut butter off a spoon...it is a heaven i didn't expect...

so tired. so alive. so thankful for the steps it took to get here.
i even want to hug kevin for being so blind.

50 million parcels will be delivered today by canada post and in less than 50 hours i will be home. Christmas here and no snow but i have presents to give and lessons that i have learned

got on the bus this morning and a woman on the bus had a mental breakdown...started throwing a fit...screaming and running all over the bus...we all had to get off...but all i could think was...she has never had someone hold her face gently and tell her how beautiful she is...she doesn't know...and now we will label her 'mad' and lock her up. I , like jordan, want to save the world from itself and yet

i am back to where i started at the beginning of this blog. telling people where the lake is

when my only real goal should be to keep swimming....

face under water, eyes open...and here comes 2005...waterfalls of happiness...

i give you: you.

it doesn't start with a C, but it is all the heaven you need.

Cough due to Cold

2004-12-15T09:15:00.000-08:00

My entire office is sick.

Seems that the miraculous flu shot that everybody was so in panic to get hasn't saved them after all. Yesterday i actually started to wonder if they were all playing a joke on me as one after another they dropped like flies. And here is the kicker - i feel great. Super healthy. Totally immune. My trick - good ol' Science of Mind magic - i just keep knowing that "i don't get sick", that i won't be getting sick and i love every inch of my life. Hey, take it or leave it,but it is working for me.

Wished it worked for my Boston Fern that now sits, a week after i purchased it, dead in my apartment. (And my mother wants me to have children?) Must heal the belief that i kill house plants. Maybe i can just replace it with the belief that i merely kill Boston Ferns...

And what is up with this whole federal income tax thing?? It is blowing my mind! The universe demonstrated some prosperity magic in my life today -- i have received a christmas bonus for all the hard work i did at La Casa and am the only person in the office to receive such a bonus. This stopped my breath in awe at the miracles of spirit and manifestation. Then i opened my cheque and my breath stopped again - this time at how much money had been taken off by the government! The bonus had hiked my salary into a tax bracket that i guess is at a 40-45% range and so, numbers-wise, it looked like the bonus barely even occurred! I have been self-employed for so long that i am not used to this and i can easily start to understand why Canadians are always howling at the moon regarding the rape that is taxes. But, but, but...

If it is all One Thing and if money is merely a tool that is meant to flow in and out easily and if i can reap the benefits of a free and social country that is beautiful and safe and educates its people and leaves no one without health care...then...

I send off half my cheque to the government of Canada with great love and blessings. I thank 20/20 Properties for recognizing my hard work at LaCasa. I buy my Christmas gifts with joy and fun and am still able to watch my debt dwindle before my eyes. I am so blessed, so thankful, so grateful.

A week today i will be home. Tomorrow i get to see Jordan. Friday i get to see Leanne. Sunday i get to see Jason. Monday i catch up with Carman. Today i lunch with Darren. In 8 days i will be bonding with Cory and in less than that i will be driving the number one with JenBen.

I AM HEALTHY, WEALTHY and SHMOOSHY ABOUT A BOY!!!

YAY!

I send you: croissants, cups that runneth over, a clearing of all clutter, corn chowder, convivial conversation, Crustos, contagious calm, catnaps, comrades, castling, a Craig Salkeld ballad, Caitlin's 'cwirks' and lots and lots and lots of that vitamin we call

C.

Chair Chocolates Calm Contention

2004-12-14T08:54:00.000-08:00

Here are the things that saved me from my own bad mood:

First and foremost - a nap. I went immediately home and had a lie down.
Secondly - a world christmas concert in a dark, intimate theatre listening to carman sing and sing and sing.
Thirdly - a good night's sleep. naked.
Fourthly - getting a phone call from JH during a hot bath and hearing his tired voice fill my heart.
Fifthly - getting to work to find that Dario has left me many bags of Lindt chocolate on the seat of my desk chair... just because he takes joy in watching my confusion and ultimately my joy at receiving.
Sixthly - Emails from Jennie and Asha and many others reaching out to me inside my angry mood by posting comments to my blog that told me, above all else, that i am loved, unconditionally.

So, Tuesday begins and i start fresh, as we all must. I am blessed not to be a cow doctor. Amen.

Jessica - you asked me what it means to fall in love (appropriate question presently) and what i lie to myself about every day...

I think we call it falling because it is a surrender. I need only two things to occur to fall in love. I need to show up time and time again and when i speak, speak truth and when i kiss become that kiss. The other ingredient i need, personally, is to met in the same way time and time again. This sounds simple for two people to do, but it is rare. When you wake and find yourself suddenly sharing in this type of journey with someone, you begin that fall, and love catches you and there you are and there is nothing more lovely that you could have given yourself. I believe this comes first and it gives birth to the attraction and it gives birth to connection and it gives birth to sustainability...

I think i may be falling in love. More on that later...

What do i lie to myself about every day? That i have to get up and go to work and be responsible and be careful with how much i spend. That the mirror's obvious evidence states: my body is not perfect, my hair needs improvement, my teeth need straightening and that i should purchase an overpriced skin product to clear up my complexion. That i should not be falling for anyone right now, that i am too busy to care so deeply and that i shouldn't forgive myself ...yet...for how i hurt Aidan.

I don't believe i am rare in the amount of lies that i tell myself daily --- if you listen closely, you will be surprised how many of these untruths skip on through our thoughts. These days, luckily, i see them for what they are...lies...and i thank them for trying to keep me safe and then i send them on their way.

So today i send you: conquering crabiness, confidants, carman's crooning, complimentary anything, an inner-compass, collisions with cuties, a clitoral climax, clueing in, chuckles and chubby chicken.

...or perhaps chubby vegetarian-chicken...lol...

Oh, JH, how you affect me.

Candycanes and Coffee Filters

2004-12-13T16:14:00.000-08:00

I am grump E.

I am not even really sure what has triggerred this bad mood. But i feel like crying. Or choking someone. I get off the phone with some totally innocent client, have a perfectly normal conversation and then slam down the receiver thinking 'fuck, buddy, really.' Even an email from Jordan hasn't cheered me up. I feel seperate, misunderstood and really really tired.

It's fascinating to observe, actually.

My weekend was this cloak of warm fuzz. I was the victim of cupid, sliding on rainbows and tightening on my paraglider in excitment to leap off the hugest of cliffs - even the one called falling in love. This weekend was perfect.

Then i come in today and everything starts off great...i am dipping a candycane into my tea and humming I'll Be Home For Christmas. But by 10am i am angry. We have run out of coffee filters and somehow this is prompting everyone to transfer their coffee-addicted aggression onto me. Everyone is sick, including she who covers my lunch shift so i get no break. I receive about 14 surveys to enter and respond to - up from a daily average of 2. And i am fully aware of the 23 errands i need to run without the time or energy to run them. Still. Usually this kind of stuff would roll off me, duck's back style. Don't know why right now i seethe. Why all i want is to crawl into bed and not emerge until this ugly cloud of blue and black washes away. Why and how so many people can live like this most of their lives...

So, in this less than attractive mood i send you: concerts at cultural centres, cupid's carress, change especially if massive, carrotjuice, coffee addiction support groups, CRM training, cousins on layovers, Chapters gift cards, a good CRY, Crunch Salsa-cardio CD-Roms...

Cha, cha, freakin' cha.

Countdown Continues

2004-12-09T09:30:00.000-08:00

In 12 Days I will be sleeping in my childhood bed, safe in Moose Jaw.

Contentment. A couple of Saskatchewan visits ago, i visited Rochelle and Owen at their ranch and commented on what a lovely life they had created for themselves out there on the bald prairie. "Contentment, Krista," Rochelle responded, "It's called contentment. You should try it some time."

And i took her word for it and tried it and now i am getting to understand what a life, content, can feel like. Watching my contentment disappear this weekend was awful. I was suddenly Krista from 2000 - worried, afraid, snippy, exhausted. (It was interesting that this all happenned because something really great had just happenned to me...hmmmmmm). Thank Being, That Which Is, that i have walked through it and feel pretty firmly on the other side. This would not have happenned a year ago. I am back to contentment...relaxed in knowing that IT IS ALL GOING TO BE OK. Risks are perceived and there should be nothing scary about feeling

so damn good.

Caution, be damned!

I choose carefree instead of chained.

CARPE DIEM!

A helpful moment: went up to Grouse Mountain on Tuesday night in a blizzard. I had the winter parallel of my first Seawall walk. In the blizzard i found clarity and such a deep communion with being Canadian. I slipped and fell and laughed and sipped Hot Coco. I pressed my hands and face to the glass in the gondola and felt connected, calm, consoled. Thank you, Eric.

So, 12 days til flying home and 15 til Christmas and 1.5 hours til lunch and 34 hours until i see Jordan again and 26 hours until the Company Christmas party and 22 days until this crazy 2004 ceases to be....

But that is the future. Til then i send you: Compassion, a clear complexion, cookin' compilation CDs, Comfort Comfort Comfort, Chile con Carne, cocooning, closure for those of you who need it and for the rest of us...

Cloud 9.

Coconut

2004-12-07T13:25:00.000-08:00

Coconut ball, coconut incense, coconut lotion.

That has been my morning.

That, and typing Capital Appreciation about 50 times.

In the spirit of capitializing on appreciation...

Things I Appreciate:

Dave Henwood -- he's this ridiculously friendly, funny man in my office with a Yorkshire (?) accent and a keen wit. he bubbles with positive energy. he just waved at me, through the glass door,wiggling his fingers and bouncing his eyebrows up and down. i appreciate dave.

Fries with Gravy and Ketchup - i don't eat them very often anymore, but today i flew back in time to U of T with Novie, Jackie and Terry and ordered one huge order of fries with gravy and ketchup. i was transported back to the wooded campus at Erindale and being 19 at the beginning of my new life in Ontario. sure the fries have made me nauseous, but, still, i appreciate a meal that can produce time travel.

I.T. Guys - my floppy disk got stuck in my computer this morning. seeing the IT giu arrive this morning was like hearing the fog horn on a large ship approach you after floating on your dingy for hours in the middle of the ocean. i was so glad to see him that i my eyes actually filled with tears. my heart, in rememberance, appreciates the IT Guys.

Lust - i know lust does not have the lasting effects of a friendship or a spiritual connection or even a solid companionship...but, i declare in this moment, lust is a rare vitamin that we could all benefit from in balanced doses. it heightens your senses, slams you directly into the middle of a Now moment and brings a whole new meaning to the word anticipation. now, mix it up with all that friendship, love, spirit stuff and your dead meat. the black sheep on the list, i say let us give lust a little more appreciation.

Hippiedom - to those that name their children Sky, Forest, Hope, River, Hart. to those who wear beaded hemp jewellery, hang out with their friends in the nude and would rather live peacefully than shop at Pottery Barn. to those who touch a part of me who has always dreamed of living in a magic cottage in the woods, arms wrapped around someone i love as we nap in a hammock on the water - i appreciate you.

Eleventy Gillion - i appreciate this phrase because it made me laugh so hard the first time i read it that a looming grumpy mood that i was almost going to have completely disappeared. i challange each of you to use it in a sentence at least once this week...if not an eleventy gillion times. (krista grins in appreciation).

To top it off i send you: clapping versus booing, cushions-many and overstuffed, condoms because no one wants clymita, chutzpah, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, calling cards that never run out, calanders from your fedex guy,cuddles and crayola crayons...

...biggie sized with the sharpener in the back.

Conflict

2004-12-06T08:54:00.000-08:00

I can do one of three things:

Show up.

Run.

Show up kinda while making sure the entire time that one foot is firmly planted outside of the proverbial door.

The latter feels familiar, the middle - tempting and the top one...well, it is Who I Want To Be.

I know you assume i am talking about a guy - and i am - but i am also talking about so many different areas of my life.

For the last while i have very much been on top of my demanding Ego voice. I was observing it, thanking it for doing what it thought was necessary and then usually choosing to walk away from its advice. But now my Ego voice has grabbed me by the shoulders and is shaking me and screaming. And i...i am inside of it - the fear, this voice, drowning.

What keeps me above water? The isolated moments that Now overtakes me and i am intensely aware of his whistle, the buzz of the kitchen outside his door, the braveness in his eyes that stare at me and say - i am not going anywhere. If and when i can 'lose' myself i am gloriously happy and all is well. Then the voice says...'ok, krista. enough'. And my hand is on his chest and i am pushing him away and i am trapped and drowning...

Exhausting.

I am now consumed with wanting to know where this comes from. This is just a dense version of the liquid form that has trickled through so many of my choices, especially concerning men.

Wanna know something else interesting? This kind of panic/fear/stress makes me want to eat.

Holy, Konkin, one word. Therapy. LOL.

I send you: calm Chinese guys on commuter buses, carrots for cravings, cider - hot and applely, catch-up naps, community, copious amounts of chick-peas, chamomile tea on the couch, cats named jack and especially ...clarity.

Just opened up a book and the first sentence i saw was..."stop treating everything like an emergency"...

hmmm. i think i've been told.

Corporate Clothing and the Continuation

2004-12-03T14:25:00.000-08:00

Is it normal to feel like bearing the children of a man you have yet to kiss?
Or is that just called 'rushing it'?

LOL.

This morning i decided to finally partake in the Casual Friday phenomenon. I picked out a great sweater and pulled on a funky pair of jeans and drove to pick up Ryan for work. He took one look at me and asked me if i had not gotten the email last week about how jeans are no longer allowed at 20/20. I obviously had not, but it was too late. I arrived at work, full of embarassment and apology and was sent home to change. Yes, that is right, i was sent home to change. Thing is i found it all really funny. Not irritated in the least.

Wonder why i am in such a good mood?

Could it be that i see Mr. Lewin tonight? That he has sent me the most delicious emails all
week - sweet and smart and funny and very honest? Could it be the anticipation of finding out if last weekend was a perfect dream or my actual life? Could it be?

Change of subject...another C word...councellor.

I am seeing her again starting tonight. People keep asking me - why do you need to see a councellor, you're so happy, it's sickening! But people sometimes don't see (C?)...perhaps that is WHY i am so happy, because i understand that happiness is a choice and healing is an action. I also need to point out that i, too, still deal with all the issues that have grown up with me - the absence of a father, abandonment, abnormal need for attention, hyper-critical tendencies, control, jealousy, fear...

For example, i have a belief, small and insidious, that says - Krista hurts good men.

Which is now rearing its ugly head, sensing, of course, that i have just met the best of the best. I can feel the creeping desire to self-destruct this-which-feels-good and protect him (and me) before i do something horrible.

See, there is always healing to do be done. And so off to the councellor i go. HAHAAH, i just thought of something...her name is Cindy. How perfect.

And i will try to not self-destruct, by simply turning away from the poisonous thoughts and focusing on the ways i have and do bring joy to the men in my life. By focusing on the Now and getting to know, slowly and gently, the miracle of this new connection.

I send you: Classic movies like Casablanca, Colorado anything, casual fridays that work, crackling fires, credit line increases, confidence that you are, in fact, on the right path...

...even if it IS north up Sherbourne.

C

2004-12-02T10:39:00.000-08:00

This is the month of Christmas and i now dedicate it to words beginning with C.

Duane OKane's talk last night inspired me to this realization.
I want to be these 3 things:

Conscious. Creative. Curious.

In Duane's opinion THE most important thing one can be is curious. Interested.
I say, amen.

Another C word that i have come to love:

Choice.

An interesting thing happenned yesterday. I left my purse on my desk (as always) and was off with the maintenance guy talking about our temperature problems. When i came back, a woman from the office was standing beside my desk with my purse in her hand and a look of horror on her face. "DO NOT LEAVE YOUR PURSE OUT IN THE OPEN KRISTA, " she admonished me, "THERE IS THEFT IN THIS BUILDING. IT IS VERY UNSAFE!" She was visible shaken at the extreme lack of concern about my stuff. I smiled and thanked her for her advice, but when she saw that i was not sorry, she kept on. "SERIOUSLY KRISTA! WHAT IF YOUR WALLET WAS STOLEN?? YOU CAN'T BE SO TRUSTING!" At this point other workers had emerged from their offices and were bonding as a tribe, starting to tut-tut my carelessness and share their stories of theft and heartbreak. Then i said something that shut them all up and most likely aided in their conclusion that i am - point blank - Crazy.

"You guys don't get it," i said, "people don't steal from me."

And i meant it. It seems ridiculous to me to think that some random monster of a person would come up to our floor, into our office, reach over my counter and steal from my purse. I have total faith that my purse is completely safe. That i am safe. That there is nothing to fear. Call me Crazy. This is what i know. And so it is.

I send you cookies and crystal skies, caramel chocolate, chiropractors and candle light, caroling with a Cory, a safe cry, Chai lattes, a hearty congratulations and close contact with All That Is.

Cheers!

Stealing Jordan

2004-11-29T16:19:00.000-08:00

*Grin*

What a weekend.

I once had a friend that described how he used to nap while riding his mother's whirring vaccuum cleaner. As a toddler he would climb on top of the metal canister, wrap his little arm and legs around it and sleep. He was comforted by the steady hum, the soothing warmth and the safety of having his mother so near.

I think i had a nap-on-a-vaccuum-cleaner moment this weekend. *Grin*

His name is Jordan. I have mentioned him before in past blogs, calling him the 'cute one' of a bunch of guys that i saw a movie with. But Saturday night i got to see him up close. I looked beyond the cover and began reading the book. And i was thrown for a loop with what i found.

The man speaks several languages, has travelled internationally, loves to cook and showed me visual art work that wowed me. He plays the guitar, describes his life passion as 'connecting with people', has never owned a TV, uses trees to heal himself, dedicates his life to Global Sustainability and loves to lindyhop. He fed me vanilla tea when i got cold, answered all my Konkin questions with realness and gave me a bed to sleep on when our talking took us to 6 in the morning.

All this while cuddled on a beanbag chair.

I once thought the man was adorable, but now i am intrigued, warmed, shaken, grinning.

*Grin*

I unveil my home tonight as i host the meditation group. I basically finished it this weekend and it is a work of art. *Grin*

Singing at the Centre was outstanding. Even though i stood up there with 2 hours of sleep under my belt, i sang, 200 people whooped and we were all lifted. *Grin*

Grin. Grin.

OH. And Kevin emailed me. He says he got my letter and he doesn't know what to say.
I like him and he doesn't know what to say. Foolish boy. Perhaps we will talk at the next dance. Perhaps we won't. Whatever. *Grin*

***GRIN****

Help. I can't stop.

*Grin*

*Grin*
*Grin*

Coming Out of the Closet

2004-11-26T14:46:00.000-08:00

My secret (or not-so-secret) crush is Kevin Jamieson.

There, i have said it.

For all of cyberspace to read.

Cripes.

Yes, this is the same Kevin i have mentioned in previous blogs. You can research the entity that has had me boggled for 5 months at www.kevinj.ca.

I mailed him a letter (i know, i know...not brave, but as brave as i have right now) on Monday. Which means, by now, he has read it and knows and hasn't responded and - just i thought - doesn't care. Or doesn't know what to do about it. Either way. He knows, a couple other friends of ours know and nothing really has changed. Except i feel lighter. It hurts, but i will survive.

Now, for the rest of my life.

I perform with Spirtsong this Sunday and am singing these crazy gospel tunes. It is just a fantastic workout and a true inspiration...www.cslvancouver.com...

My ex-roommate and multi-talented friend Norbert K. has started his own business and has a most professional website....www.inkstudios.ca...i am just so proud of him i could burst. Check it out.

If you are in a bad mood and/or have an insane sense of humour, you must visit www.badgerbadgerbadger.com... my summer roommate Kyle made me go there when times were tough and my buddy Thom just sent me the link the other day. If it shows up more than once than you know that it is time to make a note to self.

Looking to play Christmas music all day long? Looking for --- well, practically anykind of dedicated radio station? This has been the most amazing find this week...www.accuradio.com... there is even a station dedicated to specific Broadway composers!!! I mean - COME ON! How cool is that???

I am currently listening to a station dedicated to Male Celtic Artists. Pretending i'm standing on the ocean in the Maritimes, seaspray in my face, the wind in my hair, a lighthouse shining a strong beam onto the water, at one with It All.

Spoke to an old old friend yesterday. Alain Therrien. A boy i had a crush on when i was 14? (crushes old and new...). I haven't seen him for over 10 years, but heard through the grapevine that he lived in Whistler and was running his own ski guide company. It was all true. And he sounded exactly the same. So, if you are in BC, looking to downhill, board or heli-ski check out www.skiremotehorizons.com. Love the Alain. Oh, and thank god for Google. It is so helpful when one is a stalker.

...and the office gets busy
...and i have to pee
...and with it all the sun sets at 4:00 and my imaginings stay private
...and i laugh to not cry
...and i scream to move on

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

there, better now.

Unseen Angels

2004-11-24T14:23:00.000-08:00

Otherwise known as Asha.

I recieved an email today from a woman named Asha in India. I wanted to put her email on this blog, but i accidentally (??) erased it. It basically said that she reads my blog and is touched by the way i learn from my life experiences and that i write well and that she has sent a friend going through alot to my blog and and and....

And I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Someone asked me today what i wanted to do with the rest of my life and i answered - touch people, empower others, live unconditionally in love, heal, create. Then the ego voice kicked in and said -- 'well, then, you better get going and do something about all these lofty goals'. (Hint to y'all - the 'do do do' voice is usually ego). I shushed the voice, but, by habit, part of me listened and i told myself - ya, you should (that nasty word again) be living these dreams instead of working at an office!

Then, Asha. Her email was the universe gently reminding me that i am touching people, empowering others, healing, creating...i am even making a pretty great stab at loving unconditionally. I don't need to 'do' anything or be ashamed of working in this office or put off these goals for some future time. One day i will make my living doing these things, in some vehicle or other, but i don't need to wait til i am paid for it before i make a difference.

Visit Asha's blog at http://toconstantlywonderafresh.blogspot.com

I will leave you with the English translation of a short poem by Dhoomil that i found on her blog and a wish that today you take account all of your unseen angels.

"...And laughing, he said,
To tell you the truth, sir,
In my eyes
There's no one who is small
And no one that is great
To me every man is a pair of shoes
Who stands before me for repairs..."

WWLD?

2004-11-23T15:00:00.000-08:00

I remember hanging out with Kirk and his Christian friends and they would wear these necklaces and braclets with WWJD initials on them. The initials of course stood for "What Would Jesus Do?". I took that sentiment today and gave it a metaphysical twist and asked "What Would Love Do?" Let me explain...

I have been talking about leaping this week, taking chances and saying things out loud that i haven't, til now, had the guts. One example was an email i sent Sara-Jeanne. I knew better than to try and schedule any sort of meeting with her as she doesn't even pick up her phone or return her calls, let alone make effort to hang out. So, i emailed her a letter that just said...i no longer know what more i can do to be part of your life...you have all but disappeared...i love you...i miss you...i hope some day we will regain our closeness...til then...take care. I tried to be firm on the fact that i am no longer open to allowing this kind of treatment to continue while staying loving and gentle.

This morning i got an email back that made me angry -----really raging angry ----for the first time in a looooooong time. SJ had responded by saying that she is disappointed that i emailed her this stuff (from a woman who takes 2 months to return one call), that she is hurt that i am saying this stuff after she took me into her home and let me stay in her bed for 2 weeks (this was right before i took over the apartment from her) and that she knows she has been busy, but she believes she has been a supportive, good friend. Then she ended with some strange comment about hoping how my corporate job wasn't sucking the passion from me (??!) and left it at that.

My head spun for about 3 hours this morning. I had amazing comebacks for every single point, a list of ways in which she has been a horrible friend this past year, how many things i have done for her, how she benefitted greatly from me moving in, how everyone i know is angry at her for her treatment of them....man, i was full of anger. FULL. Then i thought...whoa. Krista. Whoa. You need to step back and look at this. What would love do?

My answers were this. Forgive. Be grateful for the things that she has done for you. Stand firm on what kind of treatment you will allow in your life and let her go gently. Do not respond with defense. Do not choose to be 'right'...choose to be kind - to yourself and her. Agree to disagree. Breathe. Write her a letter that you don't intend to send. Breathe again.

And create. Connect to that unconditionally loving presence in the universe by creating.

So at lunch i went and put together an amazing outfit in a store, shoes and all. Not to buy, just to busy my brain doing something creative.

Then i came back from lunch and decorated the tree at the office. At first i resisted it and wanted to punch people in the face that kept coming into the lobby and saying 'ooooooo...fun....christmas.....' while i was bent over backwards decorating. But as i went into the creative zone and the tree came to life my anger disolved.

The tree looks great. Everyone is impressed. I am still a bit deflated about what these emails mean for the future of me and SJ. But i am back to centre. I see that how she feels is none of my business and i must not let any of it take away this amazing sense of peace that i feel. I will always love her, but not even she has the right to be abusive and neglectful.

This may not be the last time in the next bit that i am presented with people's reactions that will ultimately hurt. I am saying out loud stuff that will make me vulnerable --- but hurting means living and is unfortunately what happens when everyone starts being honest.

Last night, i decided i needed a christmas-y door hanging and so i went out to the park and played in the dark, collecting bits of wet and piney nature. At home i intertwined it all with pieces of scrap ribbon and a few pretty holiday things that jen left behind. It is stunning. I am a creative machine...

Move over Martha Stewart....
Krista J is in the house.

100% Drama Free

2004-11-22T13:56:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a big week for me.

I am mailing a letter to the secret crush telling him everything. So, at the end of this week, i will also be blogging his name (instead of calling him the secret crush) and i will be talking about it with friends. I am, in no uncertain terms, coming out of the closet. I am ready to release this 'issue' by using honesty and deflating the excitment that secrets create. I am ready to move on.

So, i ask myself, if i don't have this to stress about, i am left with literally nothing in my life that resembles drama. Nothing that causes me stress, upsets me, sits in my thoughts hour after hour, gives me something to talk about. I could potentially be 100% drama free. I don't think i have ever EVER been 100% drama free. I believe that is what some would call complete contentment. I am curious, i am intrigued, i am even a little bit frightened.

I will let you know how it feels. Perhaps more of us should try it on for size...

MY APARTMENT ROCKS ASS! Bit by bit, project by project, day by day my apartment is becoming my sanctuary. I need to find a house tree and some unfinished pine letters, develop some photos, create the wall art...i mean, i am far from finished, but WOW it already feels different being at home. I sat on the floor staining shelves and listening to the Love Actually Soundtrack last night, little white lights twinkling and my knee poking out of my favorite, destroyed 'paint jeans' and i was sooooo happy. So happy. Nesting. I love it.

Writing out my Christmas wish list, listening to John Mayer and asking this question: is it more painful for something to just 'fade' than it is for there to be a distinct and justifiable reason for a relationship to end? Can evolving away from each other ever leave us feeling ok about the situation? Is it possible that one could choose to like someone who they are sure doesn't return the feeling because it is a safe way of caring, but not having to act on it?

Hmmmmmmm.

I send you all a world of sockettes, smells of cinnamon, Lush face products, hudson bay blankets, video clips of adorable nieces saying hello, Greek food with a hottie and parking spots right in front.

Brent David - Part II

2004-11-18T09:19:00.000-08:00

In light of my 4th set of married friends officially seperating and an email from someone i have hurt, i write this ode to brent.

There are people who appear out of thin air and the moment you speak to them you are certain that you have, somewhere along the line, spent many lifetimes together. There are people who, in a sentence, can drive you to know them. There are people who only stay a short time, but have a long term effect on you. There are people you are proud to have said you shared your heart with. There are also people that you are so damned attracted to that, even after you have walked away, the mere thought of them makes you blush.

Brent David was one of these people. I don't look at our 2 months together and think 'failed' just because it didn't last longer. I think back to sitting in a dark trailor on the side of a remote mountain with a phone pressed to my ear and a grin plastered on my face. I think back to standing beside the ocean and drinking in those delectable kisses, passionatly arguing artistic versus corporate merit at the Cat's Meow. I think back to being entangled in each other on the floor of the sunroom, laughing as those crazy band members sang vulgar lyrics downstairs on their bass player's behalf. I think Brent David and i smile. That, to me, is success, not failure. Time is no tool for measuring value.

And do i miss him now? Yes. Often, i do. But i miss many many wonderful souls that were once in my life, that are no more. I have never been great at letting go and/or forgetting. I have, however, come to understand that i can't keep everyone i have loved and have begun to learn how to move on gracefully. If i believed i would bring Brent David happniess and not heartache right now to his life, then perhaps ... but i am convinced that it was exactly as it should have been considering where we are at...

I hate hurting people. If i could only ever make people smile, i would. But i, too, am human and flawed and scared and make sketchy choices sometimes. I am learning.

To Erin: first things first, figure out what you want. This might take awhile, but it will be the key to making so many other things clear. I love you.

If anyone out there has some answers on how to do this relationship thing, let me know.
There is Mars and there is Venus...

but please tell me there's a Saturn.

Roy G. Biv

2004-11-17T10:48:00.000-08:00

Last night i sat on the bus home from work and the woman in front of me started crying. At first, it was quiet and she attempted to hide it, but soon it erupted into sobbing. She was a very normal looking woman, early 30's, coming home from a day of regular old work. The bus was super crowded. And there she was, a foot away from me, sobbing for all to see.

So what happenned?

Everyone started to move away from her. You would have thought that she was vomiting on herself. The person sharing her seat got up and stood at the other end of the bus. Others squished themselves as far away as possible and everyone, including me, looked the other direction. TOUCH HER, a voice urged me. ASK HER IF SHE NEEDS ANYTHING...FIND HER SOME KLEENEX...DO SOMETHING...it prompted. But i was frozen. I was afraid of her rawness, of whether or not she would snap at me if i invaded her space, of what the right thing to do would be in that moment. So i did nothing. Ok, not nothing. I leaned forward, to get as close to her as i could without touching and i visualized sharing with her some of the peaceful, loving energy that pulses through me these days. We sat like that for 15 minutes. When i got up to get off the bus, she followed. Outside, we flew in different directions. I was shaken. I was concerned.

I was envious.

It has been a long time since i have cried like that and despite my feeling of goodwill and contentment, i know that i have a mini-storehouse of emotion not yet released, waiting.

I wonder if that is why i am doing alot of emotionally brave, leaping stuff lately - trusting the net, pushing my own comfort levels. I am not wanting to destroy the peace, but i am not wanting the peace to ever become numbness. I want my happiness in life to be made up a full experience of all the emotional colors - a rainbow of feeling.

Today - a little red with how the crush treated me again last night, a bunch of orange warmth as my apartment becomes a home, yellow pride that i remain healthy in an office of flus and colds, green stomache turning envy as i walked by a couple kissing passionatly on the sidewalk, blue serene melody of my ideal life wrapped around me, indigo anticipation of the upcoming honesty and violet as the fear smashes into the love and explodes in a perfection of humaness.

Me and Roy - mono et mono.

10 Cent Wings

2004-11-15T16:35:00.000-08:00

He said, "Come to the Edge."
I said, "I can't, I'm afraid."
He said, "Come to the Edge."
I said, "I can't. I'll fall off."
He said, finally, "Come to the Edge."
And I came to the Edge.
And he pushed me.
And I flew.
— Guillaume Apollinaire (1880-1918)

This quote ties in so nicely with a song i must suggest - 10 Cent Wings by Jonatha Brooke:

"If I knew what I was after, I'd remember where I'd been
If I was sure of something better, I'd go, I'd go
But I am just another picture, and I watch myself like you
I imagine what you're thinking,
I know, I know
Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings, tried and true
Orbiting like satellites I'll sail away, with you
I will love across the borders, I will wait until it's dark
I will fly and you'll be with me,
my wings, your heart
then our memory may fail us and our language will go too
Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings,
tried and true
Orbiting like satellites I'll sail away, with you

But I'll never tell, I'll never say, I'll never be that brave

Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings, tried and true
In another life you are with me, and I'm with you
Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings, tried and true
In another life you are with me, and I'm with you"

I will, in fact, tell, though. I have written a letter and i will end this charade soon.
More on that later.

I spent the weekend with 4 people in my one bedroom and everything in boxes and undone. It challanged my control-freak tendencies and brought me joy. Today i said goodbye to Jennie. As i hugged her on the busy street corner, her hair got caught in my lipgloss and the unfamiliar Vancouver sun poked through the clouds and i felt love unlike anything a boy has inspired in me for years. My house will be quiet tonight.

Love to McCallum - he represents everybody's deepest fear ... kicking and missing. But i would rather be kicking than on the sidelines, safe while i judged.

Slowly the crecendo fades and a lighter melody takes over. I must set some shorter term goals. I must pay my bills. I must fix my hair issues.

But for now, i breathe and am
A sad, knowing smile
On a rainy day in me.

Jane

2004-11-12T14:09:00.000-08:00

5 years ago today Jane left us.
She was both truthfully afraid and completely graceful when she said goodbye.
Or so i heard.
I never got to be there in person.
She decided to let go of her human form as i was flying in a plane from Vancouver to Calgary to say farewell.
But i easily believe that she made even dying look classy.
I miss her.
I miss her because in a family of 'let's look at this realistically' people, she would simply get up off the couch, put on her coat and shoes and do it.
I miss her for Alex who will be blessed in many ways, but won't ever know the one thing in my life that has brought me the most joy - a mother.
I miss her for Sean who, in losing her, didn't crumple like most would have, but has become a man that i am so distinctly proud to call my brother.
Believe what you will, but i know she - the energy that was her passion, her personality, her mind, her love - did not go anywhere. The illusion is that she left. The truth is we are just now more challanged as to how to communicate with her.
She can hear me, my thoughts, as i type this.
So,
Jane, thank you. I miss you. I love you.
We are ok here. We are taking care of each other. Alex is absolutely amazing. I know you are so proud of her. We all are.

'Lest we forget...
we blog to remember.

Looking for Krista?

2004-11-12T11:50:00.000-08:00

Quick recap for all of those who are redirected here for Konkin location advice:

I NOW LIVE IN VANCOUVER.

My mailing address is:
206-404 East 8th Ave.
Vancouver, BC V5T 1S5

MY ONLY PHONE NUMBER IS THIS:
604-518-7154.
unless you wanna call me at work and then call 604-630-5020. i pretty much live there.

I AM NOT DOING THEATRE.
I am working at a Real Estate Investment Firm.
Read entire blog starting in June for story of WHY.
Yes, i like it. Mostly. I call it my transitional vehicle.
No, i don't miss theatre.

MY HOBBIES: studying Science of Mind through corespondance, lindyhopping, taking a meditation class and singing in a choir called SpiritSong.

AM I HAPPY? very. very very.

LOVE LIFE? i am extremely single. i dated someone this summer that lasted about 2 months and then faded. he was lovely. am currently struggling with a drama i call my 'secret crush'. basically i am haunted by a young, emotionally unavailable former friend who doesn't know i exist.
Keep checking my BLOG for updates.

CAR? the newest addition to my life...mom's former Nissan Altima.

THINGS I AM CURRENTLY GRATEFUL FOR: the car, jennie's furniture finally arriving, jennie herself, this great paycheck i get every 2 weeks, freedom at work, my swing community, my friendship with god, powerade, my flight home at christmas, weekends, all those men and women who died for an ideal we take for granted called freedom, ikea.

THINGS THAT I AM CURRENTLY WHINING ABOUT: the cost of parking, this wart-like thing on my finger, having to fix everything for these very important but slightly clueless staff execs, technology that breaks down, moving companies, how freaking tired i am today, feelings for someone you wished didn't affect you at all.

In a nutshell. That is my life.

Questions anyone?

10 Shades of Suck

2004-11-08T10:19:00.000-08:00

This is how many people in my life are presently describing their lives : 10 Shades of Suck.

Makes me feel slightly guilty for being so damn happy.

I had an extra-ordinary weekend. Jennie and i are a power couple. Everywhere we turn people are asking us if we are sisters or twins or some such thing. The dance on Saturday was...shocking? dramatic? progressive? I dunno. Having Jen there made the whole thing feel so different. I have never had a safe social harbour to go before - i loved it. I also got up the guts to dance with a couple of leads that i have not had the confidence to dance with yet. To top it off i spoke to someone that i have not spoken to in awhile. This last item has been what has stolen my thoughts since its occurance. I am exhausting myself trying to figure out a situation that involves a man. You would think at 28 i would know how useless that is.

But, then again, you would also think at 28 i wouldn't be listening to Clay Aiken's Invisible and brooding about my secret crush.

Fuck "being 28". I yam what i yam.

A littel bit child-like, a little bit perfectionist, a little bit extrovert, a little bit teen angst.

Tain't black and white...
...but who would've thunk that grey could be so beautiful?

You With A Capital Why

2004-11-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

A poem that i wrote the other night...

Things at the the top of my 'to do' list this month
And Get Over You
Seems to be the first
if not
the most important

Dig deep to find the fun
and then through fun
to where there is still saddness

Find a Stopping Place
In the Alone-ness

Do a few things brave.
Nest.
Cry.
Let anything outside of the NOW
take care of itself.

Hydrate.

Meditate on Truth behind Rejection and
give someone a chance to surprise me

Dance and stay humble
Floss and seek kind

Recieve and Release my financial gifts
Be one of those people who 'doesn't get sick'

Do that
which brings joy

Eat the Donut
Forget
The
Hole

D is for Donut

2004-11-04T13:04:00.000-08:00

D is also for Divorce.

Surreal for me to get the news that my friends Martine and Cory, who were married 2 weeks after Jennie and Eric, are suddenly split up. Everyone's marriage is ending or faltering and my negativity toward marriage is building and building. Which i don't want. I want primary relationships to work. I want to believe that i will, someday, have a partnership that works. I must start knocking down my negative wall and spend my time creating this belief system.

So for Jennie and any and all of my friends going through a place of ending/beginning, death/birth that things like divorce bring...i give you a new song by Shaye www.shayemusic.com ...Jennie said she heard it on the radio and felt like it was me saying these things to her:

"So you've come to this bridge
In an unfamiliar land
You know it's a bridge you are going to walk on
And the only thing you know is
Everything you know
Will do you no good from here on

And the day that you spin
From your little cocoon
Well, you can't be prepared
For the beauty you'll find there
And you will find beauty
In the toughest of places
And I will be thinking of you out there

So pick up your bags
Look around at your friends
And you know none of them
Would ever have enough strength
To cross the bridge and lose control
I never felt this bold
Never felt this good

And the day that you spin
From your little cocoon
Well, you can't be prepared
For the beauty you'll find there
And you will find beauty
In the toughest of places

And I will be thinking of you
Stay true to your nomad skies
Keep your eyes out for coyote
A thousand secrets are lost
In the archival dust

So lay your ears upon the tracks
One day you will come back
With wrinkled hands and grey hair
And there you will stand on the spot
And you'll marvel how the place is still the same
Though you are somebody else now
Fly on butterfly

And the day that you spin
From your little cocoon
Well, you can't be prepared
For the beauty you'll find there
And you will find beauty
In the toughest of places
And I will be thinking of you out there "

As for the Donut reference...see next entry...

Bushwacked

2004-11-03T16:39:00.000-08:00

Ug. George W. Bush. Man, it is like voting Pro-War. It is a scary thing, his being re-elected. A scary thing indeed.

Today i feel like a corporate slug. I am bored bored bored at work, rushing along the downtown streets with the other zombie like office people, pale and puffy. Today i want to go home.

I am grow infinitly more and more restless about my secret crush...it feels like a bad rash that i itch and itch in a fit of pleasure and pain, a rash that i have no cream to heal, that makes me feel ugly and uncomfortable. Sigh. I gotta tell him. I gotta purge this from my system.

I'm at odds.

I'm the picture of discontent in this exact moment.

I want to medicate this feeling with something - food? sex? blogging?

Perhaps D'uane O'Kane's talk tonight will feed this disgruntled feeling i have...www.clearmind.com...

I may as well end this blog sooner than later. 9 minutes to freedom.

lkasdf;lkajsd;lfa;sldjf;oiasndf; xnvccjjhbtusg;idfja;lkj

Sigh.

At The Window By Mark Nepo

2004-11-02T16:39:00.000-08:00

I read a poem and it resonates. I add it to my blog in case it might resonate with you.
And so it goes:

"I was at the window
when a fly near the latch
was on its back spinning-legs furious, going nowhere.

I thought to swat it
but something in its struggle
was too much my own.

It kept spinning and began to tire.
Without moving closer, I exhaled
steadily, my breath a sudden wind
and the fly found its legs,
rubbed its faceand flew away.

I continued to stare at the latch
hoping that someday,
the breath
of something incomprehensible
would right me and
enable me to fly. "

God Jar

2004-11-01T15:27:00.000-08:00

This is the name of the imaginary band inside my head. God Jar. I see the T-shirts and the CD with a whole lotta liner notes.

I was a bully about the blogging and VOILA! Please visit my best friend's blogsite at www.jenniegrado.blogspot.com.

Oh, and my friends Ian's new, very cool website at www.iansherwood.com ... and listen to The Last Word...a brilliantly written angry/sad mid-tempo ballad...boy angst all the way.

My weekend was kinda cool, kinda wierd. I intended to go to What The Bleep Do We Know on Friday night by myself - a little Krista date - and ended up jammed between 3 single men - one of whom was terribly cute. I just sorta mentioned that i was heading to a movie after dance class and all these guys decided they wanted to check it out, too. At the end of the night, as one of them drove us all home, we dropped the 'cute one' (how shallow am i being by giving him that label?) off at his house and GUESS WHERE HE LIVES??? In the exact same house that Seth (Aidan's friend) lived in and then Sara-Jeanne lived and in and now Allison and Jeremy live in. I mean, of all the homes in Vancouver, how does everyone i know come to live in this exact same house??

Saturday i spent with Ryan in North Vancouver. And Saturday night i put on a red wig, painted a P on my shirt, blacked out an eye and went swing dancing as a Black Eyed Pea. Sunday morning i sang some crazy gospel song to a room of about 200 people. In the afternoon i got an amazing Shiatsu massage and last night i lay on my couch and contemplated the world.

BUT TODAY I GET MY CAR AND MY JENNIE.

So, as of right now, Monday is kicking the weekend's ass.

I am still needing some advice regarding my secret crush. Ignoring him is energy draining for me, because when he is in the room i am so incredibly aware, and i care so incredibly much, that this ignoring thing is just so false. Yet, he ignores me with such ease, joy and grace. I hate being false, but i also hate trying to connect with someone who treats me like cellophane. When he speaks to me, which is pretty much never, i respond with kindness (aka joy). Otherwise, i FORCE myself to forget that he is sucking the breath from my chest by his very presence.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I have successfully regressed to Grade 6.

If anyone has any advice...or life experience dealing with a situation like mine...please please please let me know.

And then if we could pretend like we never had the conversation, that would be swell. Just so i don't have to be reminded how juvenille i am being.

I will leave y'all with this quote:
"Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of habit. " **** Somerset Maugham

Somerset also said this: 'What mean and cruel things men do for the love of God.' If you are doing mean and cruel things, you are doing them for your ego, not god. Write your own bible, people, and we'll compare notes.

If I Was Boss

2004-10-28T15:31:00.000-07:00

If i was boss everyone would have a blog.

My friend Caitlin in Toronto has been very suddenly shoved upon a cruise ship in the Bahamas to play piano and is having all these crazy adventures and you wanna know why i know this:

Because she has a blog....www.livejournal.com/users/vestra

And i get to still, in a way, spend time reading the thoughts and feelings of my secret and humilating crush even though i no longer allow myself to be in his life and you know why????

Because he has a blog...www......woops! SECRET crush. Almost forgot.

I beg of the world....blog. People care what you have to say...what your life looks like...your inner thoughts and musings...

At least i do.

As i walked across the street last night, looking at the Eclipse, i was almost run over by a car. Then i had this thought: what if i was hit right then and in the moment i died, i was astrol-projected out of my body and watched the bloody scene thinking 'oh, crap. now all my friends and family are going to be devestated. they are going to cry and moan that this death was untimely and miss me lots and lots. they will even wonder where it is i 'went' after my death. wish there was a way to let them know that it is ALL GOOD on the other side. that i love them. that there are no accidents. that my life, no matter the length, has been incredible, perfect, exemplary and that I (what was really the Me that they connected with) can not die. how do i tell them now? how?' This was seriously the thought that i had. And so. And so. I will blog it for the world in the off chance that anyone reads this after my physical life has ended:

I am ok. I am not far. I am safe. So are you. You always were. I love you. I always have.

As for this Halloween weekend...

I think i might just stick a painted black shoe box on my back and go as a fridge magnet.

Maybe i'll even shave my legs.

Boo

2004-10-27T13:23:00.000-07:00

It is almost Halloween and i haven't a clue what to be.

It has to be something solo, that is really easy to put together/find/make/buy and applicable to dancing like a mad woman all night long. I am comin' up with nothin'. That's not like me. Could this be the first Halloween that i just don't bother dressing up? At all? Not once?

That's no fun.

For the women of the world who need to be kinder to themselves:
BOOK SUGGESTION: The Comfort Queen's Guide to Life by Jennifer Louden
WEBSITE SUGGESTION:www.planetsark.com (new, improved and oh so cool)

PROMOTING MY FRIENDS: New and Improved www.autoviolet.com
Brand New!!!!!!!!!!! www.iansherwood.com

Ways that i have been comforting myself lately:
1. I purchased my first overpriced MAC lipstick/gloss thingy.
2. Cramming time for library-time-with-Krista so i can be surrounded by the beautiful humming energy of --- sigh --- books.
3. Buying Kettle Corn from Kernels as dessert to my Taco Time lunch.
4. Candle-lit steamy baths after meditation class.
5. Painting my toenails while watching unrealistic TV shows like Summerland.
6. Booking a movie date with myself. This Friday. 9pm. No boys needed.
7. Allowing myself to receive a cuddle from anyone who is open to it.
8. Turning away completely from the edgy, stressed energy of any of the edgy, stressed bosses that i might have throwing me into chaotic projects.
9. Shutting my eyes and singing really loud at the Centre, on Wednesday, in the shower.
10. Sleeping naked with lots of pillows to bury my head beneath.

5 Sleeps 'Til Jennie and The Car.

Odd observations today out of nowhere: missing Brent David, the feeling my job is about to get an injection of drama, needing more sleep and a better alarm clock................................

Trick or Treat?

I choose treat.

I'll give the tricks to you.

Shanti!Shanti!Shanti!

2004-10-25T16:13:00.000-07:00

I just stumbled across the coolest website....www.worldprayers.org

Here is a quick summary and example of what the website is all about:

"I believe in the fundamental truth of all great religions of the world. I believe that they are all God-given and I believe that they were necessary for the people to whom these religions were revealed. And I believe that if only we could all of us read the scriptures of the different faiths from the standpoints of the followers of these faiths, we should find that they were at bottom all one and were all helpful to one another."
--mahatma gandhi

So, i have booked my ticket home. I will be flying outta here on the 22nd and coming back on the 2nd. I am excited to go home. With Rochelle and Jennie and Lanita and i all together again - and with Cory back in my life, i feel like it'll be this young, fun, blast-from-the-past sorta holiday and i can't wait. Perhaps i am having an almost-thirty mid-life type crisis. Heck, i sat and listened to the new Greenday albulm at Virgin records on Saturday afternoon and enjoyed it. Something's gotta be up.

My visit with Derick is turning out to be pretty much non-existant. He is spending most of his time with his guy friends and i am all for it. I just can't give him the kind of fun he is in search of...i spend my time lindyhopping, drinking tea, singing in choir, having intense talks, studying mystic philosophies and working at a real estate investment firm. He is needing booze, strippers, poker and all-nighters. It was good to see him briefly, but i don't wanna cramp his vacation.

I have changed alot in the last 3 years. A L O T. This became very apparant this weekend hanging out with D. I am proud of how far i have come.

Jennie arrives in one exact week. This is a big WOOHOO. Until then i am starting a meditation class tonight, dancing up a storm and wondering what i should do for the Halloween weekend. I don't think i will be doing much of anything. Which is sad.

Cold in the office this afternoon. Vancity is freezing cold these days. Hands like icicles. Brrrrrrr.

Suppose i have really entered my first Vancouver winter. People say that it can make the most cheery people blue. I dunno. So far, i am perfectly content. Needing to purchase more sweaters, yes, but content none the less.

Contentment doesn't make for very interesting blogs does it? Hmmmm. Better drudge up some drama soon.

I will see what i can do.

Keepin' My Stick on the Ice

2004-10-20T08:37:00.000-07:00

Life is just so cool. Cool and strange and awe inspiring.

Due to my recent corespondance with Cory A. from high school, i recieved an email from 2 names that have not passed my lips in years. Old friends, high school friends and, in one case, an elementary school friend. Out of the blue (but by no accident) these wonderful souls appearred in my inbox.

Tonight, an ex and kindred spirit who i have not seen in 3 years will lay his head on my pillow.

Last night, i walked the seawall again with my buddy Eric and was reminded of how incredibly far i have come since that last walk in the rain in June. It was like i was watching myself and barely recognizing the girl in front of me.

I made plans to see Aidan again. For coffee. For a beautiful goodbye, as he put it. This is a step towards the peace i desire in regards to that man.

MOVIE SUGGESTION: "What the Bleep do We Know?" Playing in independent-y theatres in major centres. RevC described it as the Metaphysical answer to Mel Gibson's Passion movie.

BOOK SUGGESTION: Cool To Be Kind ... A written documentary of 4 (very good looking) Canadian College boys' trek across Canada doing random acts of kindness. Just 'cause they noticed that the world come use some love...

Two things that make me frown: my dwindling eyesight. If i am to get a BC driver's licence then i have to take an vision test and i am not sure i would pass it. That is noooooo good. AND i think i may have a cavity. Ug. ug and ug.

Read something last night about how creating a life is more about waiting and watching than it is about doing anything. When you are on the path that i am on, you no longer try to muscle your way into having a life. Instead you utilize faith and breathe while your authentic roads paves its way for you. I also read that ANXIETY is ok...normal and expected...especially when your leaping off cliffs and trusting the net will appear.

My net appearred. To all you reading this, i send you as many nets as you venture to leap.

Post Script: Did i mention my boss looks like Lucy Lui?

I say that makes me Drew Barrymore.

Anyone wanna be my Cameron?

Slap My Ass and Call Me Sally Sauce

2004-10-15T15:09:00.000-07:00

Someone has officially asked me to lend them money.

Let me repeat.

Someone has officially asked ME, Krista J. Konkin, to lend them money.

This is a big day in the 'healing-the-money-issues' journey.

Feels like jumping off a cliff to take an action that will solidify that not only do i have enough money for my own needs, but that i have that and MORE.

Plus, mom is going to give me her car. Or sell me her car. Either way, when Jennie arrives on the 1st she will be arriving in a 1993 Nissan Altima. Goodbye to sitting on latenight buses beside smelly drunk characters. Krista's getting a car and she couldn't be happier about it.

Ok, well actually i could. Mom is a little more stressed about buying a new car then i would like. It makes me feel guilty and responsible and i don't want her unhappy. But she made the decision and i will just have to trust that when she is sitting behind the wheel of her brand new Accord or Corolla or Jetta or PT Cruiser that her negativity will melt into sheer joy.

Jennie was saying that her therapist made this point: sometimes overly optimistic people can be downright rude. Well, i wouldn't want to be rude - loving my life so ridiculously as i do - so here is a thought.

I have a crush that i can't shake and the guy is sooooo not worthy of my time or attention. He does not treat me especially well nor is he remotely interested in - well - anything outside of himself. We no longer speak, hang out, email or chat. It is for the best. But deep under my cool facade is this truth...i want him to like me. i want him to want me. i want to kiss this man. i want him to be affected by that kiss.

Annoying to feel this way. Embarassing. Silly. Unrealistic. Harmful. Waste of my time.

I don't even really have any great theories as to how to best manage this crush. All i can do is keep away from the guy as to protect myself from his lack of respect for me and keep crushing silently, secretly. I would like release. I suppose i could tell him how i felt, get the rejection i know would follow and perhaps feel alot more closure about it.

Or i could just blog about it and hope that it all goes away.

My little snag in the rainbow that is my life. My weekend shall be filled with sleeping and decorating and lounging and brunching and prepping for 3 full weeks of visitors....

oh, and lending someone money.

Bank Of Konkin. Baby, how far i've come.

When The Ouch is Bigger Than You

2004-10-14T09:36:00.000-07:00

This was my response to a friend who is in so much pain that she is not sure which end is up...

Release it all. Sit on the toliet seat with the water running and cry til you think you might break. You won't. Keep asking yourself...what do i need right now? The answers aren't meant to become action plans, but gentle dialogue with yourself. And every kind of answer is acceptable. Keep asking the question. Your answers might start with "i need this to all go away"..."i need for none of this to be happenning"...but soon those answers could change to..."i need to know that it is all going to be ok"..."i need to know that i am loved, that he knows i love him". When you know what you are needing, only then can you release those NEEDS and discover all that already IS.
Write unsent letters. Make a thank you list to the relationship and all that is has given you up until this point. Email me. Go sit out in those gorgeous trees you have. Perhaps their beauty and simplicity will remind you that every single thing is perfect, even the pain...and that nothing need be painful, but for our choosing it. If you choose pain, dive in, baby. Wail, beat the walls, scream into a pillow.
The universes offers you nothing that you are not ready and strong enough to go through.
Also, you are not trapped. At any time you can change you mind, rewind all your decisions and do whatever you want. Keep focused on what you want your life to look like and keep on painting.
I will love your art no matter what it looks like. I always have. I always will.
Welcome to Wednesday.

Feels strange to have all these friends in all this pain when life is just going so well for me. It isn't a passive feeling where i desire no growth or change or learning, but i would be a fool not to recognize that my life looks exactly as i asked the universe for it to look. I will soon, very soon, tire of this reception role. It is perturbing for my largest priorities to be fedex-ing, buying cream and sugar and getting people to sign birthday cards. Still, i am being paid pretty darn well and i don't work very hard. And there are moments when i well up with tears at the thought of how long it might take for me to meet another soul mate. Yet, 90% of my time i am floating with the anticipation that only being 28, gorgeous and single brings. I am happy. Really really happy.

Oh, and i think i am getting a car. God, mothers are good things.

Letter To Cory

2004-10-07T08:48:00.000-07:00

You asked me what i thought intimacy was all about. Well, here is my take:

Intimacy is truth. It is shedding the masks and being what you truly are with someone, warts and all. It is, in turn, seeing the other person...really seeing them. Intimacy is a level of communication that happens, often without words, that is loud and clear. The person doesn't idolize you, or love you for your potential...they somehow see you, in that present moment, with your fear and sweat and joy and shame and in their eyes you are beautiful. You are perfect in your non-perfection. You could have hours and hours and hours of sex with someone and never once, not for a second, be intimate.

But here is the catch. Ya gotta know intimacy with yourself before you will know it with someone else. You gotta be able to spend quiet, truthful times with yourself and get to a place where you can really see yourself, warts and all, and find yourself and your life magnificent. If you think that the voices that lecture you for being a failure or too fat or not enough or a pathetic joke...if you think only you know about those voices ... you are wrong. If that is what you believe about yourself, you will bathe everyone around you in that energy. Then...you will not know intimacy and you will attract people into your life that will prove those voices correct.

"My life sucks." BOOM...your life will suck.

"She is going to eventually leave and break my heart." BOOM...she is packing her bags and breaking your heart.

"I will never heal from this pain." BOOM...six months later and you are still sufferring.

You create your reality. Chose that you want your life to rock and then decide that it already does rock.

See?

When you avoid intimacy, you are avoiding yourself....not the other person.

Mantra to live by: see my august entry entitled "Brent David Johnson".

Or let us use your own words from a marketing angle:

INTIMACY: Hang Out With Your Wang Out

...coming soon to a theatre near you.

Droppings

2004-10-06T15:27:00.000-07:00

For days now i have been thinking a thought and wishing i could 'blog' it...

So right now i am going to try and randomly jot down some of the thoughts i have had - in a mishmash fashion (hey, that's hard to say). Here goes...

Grumpy cycles...it is like allowing yourself to eat that first bite of something overthetop scrumptious and horrible for you...if you allow for that initial indulgence you could be screwed. Same with negativity. I got myself into a 'bad' mood on Monday night and Tuesday morning i slept through my alarm and a had a ridiculously bad day at work. Each thing i attempted just kept adding to my bad day...because i was going into it with a big chip on my shoulder. I broke the bad mood today. I just said - no more. Gave my head a shake and the universe is easing up suddenly. We create our own hells.

Dad - i dreamnt about him. Hard core dream. I never dream about my father and am left wondering what it could mean. What do i do with it? I didn't have any extreme residual feelings about the dream, but it did throw me for a loop. Daddy is lurking in my subconscious. Like i should be surprised.

I HATE THE BUS - this was during my grumpy cycle that i said this statement about 100 times in 48 hours. I miss the mercedes. Not because it is a Benz, but because it was my freedom. Standing in the rain late at night, time sucked up transferring from bus to bus, my lack of IKEA access...all of it. Even without my grump on, i am convinced. I need to purchase a car. I have talked to my mom and to the universe. A car. Got the job, the apartment, the social life, the noon time chiropractor, the funky hobbies...now i need a car.

Let me know if you know anyone selling a good second hand Vee-hickle (as mom would say).

Visitors Galore - i have 4 strangers staying at my place this weekend for the Vancouver Lindy Exchange. The weekend is going to be about dancing, dancing and dancing mixed with very little sleep. I am not sure if i am excited or revolted. I will let you know. THEN Derick comes for a week. This will we be wonderful and wierd. Being an ex who i haven't seen in 3 years will make for wierdness, being "D" and KJ spending time catching up, having fun will be wonderful. THEN Jennie will here --- with the furniture --- for potentially a week or two. CONCLUSION...lonliness will not be a factor for little old me. In fact, after such isolation, i may explode from over stimulation.

Clearing Up Something Someone Said - i have no boy issues. Really. I miss Aidan. But we are talking little by little and i bless him and am at peace with whatever part of him i can know. Brent and i have dissapated due to ... well due to alot of factors. But no hard feelings on my part. In fact, i am happily single with lots of great guy friends, a couple date-worthy fellows and an rich cyber life. It is good for now. I am open to a love of my life walking in the door, but am not searching or anxious. I am just going with the flow. I feel beautiful. Men smell good. The end.

Scary Thought for the Day: A Bunch of Corporate Types Playing Pictionary in the Boardroom.

Makes a grown woman shiver.

An Uncommon Amount of Guts

2004-09-29T08:41:00.000-07:00

So my ex hates me.

I suppose that is what ex's are 'supposed' to do. Hate. Be angry. Or be cold and polite all the while dishing you underhanded insults. Mine generally told me that he didn't want me sucking him into my negative void. I wanted to argue, but i assumed that screaming I AM HAPPY GOD DAMMIT at the top of my lungs may not fare well in my favour or prove my point so i am going to just walk away. This is the hardest thing that has happenned to me in weeks. It really hurts and i don't get it at all, but there it is. He even sent me this quote yesterday:

"There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, 'Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams.' Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there. These are great dreams, but they never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, 'How good or how bad am I?' That's where courage comes in." ~Erma Louise Bombeck~

I interpreted it as his way of telling me that i am steeped in fear and unable to be true to myself. Funny how i look at myself these days and see the exact opposite. Ah, well.

I shall date my new home for awhile. I had my new bed delivered yesterday and visions of sugar plums dance in my head. I slowly turn away from those in my life that don't treat me well and embrace all that which makes me feel gooooood. This goes that same for my house furnishings.

...and it is quite the metaphor because before i decorate i must clean. CLEAN like a madwoman. That place is a mess. As was my life. But the decorating has started slowly and it is my now focus.

I know that the ex's attempt was to insinuate that i am not brave in many ways, but i declare that i, in fact, have an uncommon amount of guts. I have braved the face of so much NEW in 2004 and have done it virtually alone. I am proving that i can ride my own wave and, even on the scary days, i sense my waterwings are being traded in for a dingy.

Soon, a sailboat, then a yaught and perhaps one day....

an ocean liner - and me - the captain.

Kick Ass Partner & A Suck Ass Ex

2004-09-27T13:50:00.000-07:00

The word for the day is : condoms

God almighty. I babysat overnight for Cynthia last night. The girls were great, really, but OHMYGOD...how do working mother's do it? It was exhausting. There are so many things to keep on top of, not including yourself, and by the end of the day NO DOUBT you wouldn't want to have sex or care about your looks or ANYTHING. I mean, i didn't kill them...we broke a blender, i dyed one of the girls blue, i got us lost on the way to daycare and i look like HELL today, but we are all alive. Still. Just not a life i want. I like waking up and getting ready leisurly and showering by myself and feeding only myself (which i already don't do well). I love being childless. I love it. Confirmed.

Brent said he would call this weekend. He did not.
Spent time with Lori from Saskatoon. Very cool.
Met a delicious man on Saturday night. He was gay.
Attended the Centre again since returning. It rocked.
Tried to connect with Aidan in a positive, friendly way. Didn't work.
Watched a good friend in a very depressing musical. Good times.
Saw Ian Sherwood after many months. He's lovely.
Watched what will soon be my apartment empty out. Excited and scared.
Dyed a child blue. A first.

I yam what i yam. This is gonna be an expensive week. Rent. Buying a bed. A bed? Hell, a bed and about 60 other things. Whatever. Bring it on, i say. Gotta go eat lunch now. Hungry.

And you know what they say about hungry corporate people.

Fall 2004 Contact Info

2004-09-22T14:40:00.000-07:00

So, ya wanna get ahold of me?

Try this stuff:

Mailing Address:
206-404 E 8th Ave
Vancouver, BC V5T1S5

Phone Number:
604-518-7154

Email:
kjkonkin@hotmail.com

Website:
www.geocities.com/kristajkonkin

Work Address:
Krista J. Konkin
c/o 2020 Properties
700-650 W Georgia St
Vancouver, BC V6B 4N8

Work Phone Number:
604-630-5020

Work Email:
krista.konkin@2020properties.com

There. I am now get-ahold-able. This gives everyone absolutley no excuses to neglect my sorry ass. LOL...

My tan is fading and my cell phone ring tone sounds like bad porn music.
Ah, those kids in Boznia no nothing of pain...

Our Deepest Fear

2004-09-22T14:18:00.000-07:00

Things do not enter my life by accident or coincidence. This i am sure of. Especially if they keep entering my life, again and again. I first read this following quote when i read the book A Return To Love which is based on A Course in Miracles. Then, while working for Monica earlier this year, i noticed that she had this quote muralled onto her bedroom wall in gold gilt paint. Then, yesterday, Jennie emails me a quote that she has just read and that she is sure that i should hear. No mistakes. I am trying to let the words sink in as i am convinced that they are angels, these words, in their own way, guiding me.
Here is the quote:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinkingso that other people won't feel insecure around you.We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

a return to love - marianne williamson
quoted aslo by Nelson Mandela after his release from prision as he addressed the world in total acceptance and forgivness.

I wrote in my journal the other night that i feel like i have retired for a spell from the wild, exciting rides at the fair to the tame and traditional ferris wheel. I am sitting in my creaky seat, going around in slow, predictable circles and am feeling a sense of relief. Safety. Breath. I can see such miraculous views from the top and don't feel at all envious of the whirling lights and thrilled screams coming from the crazier, more popular rides. I have done those rides and, although i enjoyed them at the time, i also have the distinct memories of how sick they often made me. I am enjoying my ferris wheel. It isn't forever. I have not forgotten that i am brilliant, gorgeous, fabulous and talented. I know that i am not really a ferris wheel type girl and that soon i will grow restless to spread my wings once again.

But for now i rest. Up and over and up again.

Those In-Between Times

2004-09-18T17:00:00.000-07:00

I wanna blog. I think of blogging. I have blogging type things to say...

But my hands are tied. My new reception position at 20/20 doesn't give me alot of blogging time and i will not officially have a home of my own until Oct. 1st. Even then, i won't have a computer at the house. I am back in civilization and far far away from my cyberworld - a complete switch from La Casa. It is good in some ways as it pushes me to go and actually MEET with the very people i would be tempted to just talk to online. But really i miss my beautiful La Casa widescreen laptop. It was my best friend. And now we are seperated....sigh.

My life is shaping up to be pretty much what i was envisioning...a one bedroom, funky apartment and a cool, well-paying, stable job and dating and socializing and SOM classes and paying off my debts...i still sometimes feel pretty lonely...wish i could have a best buddy that i didn't need to schedule to see...but Vancouver this week has been great. Wonderful. I was silly to have been so worried.

Emailed Aidan in hopes he would contact me and want to meet up. He has not. I miss him. I wonder. But i must respect his choices. Being an ex is heartbreaking.

Saw Brent play onstage....live...www.autoviolet.com....he was great...they were great...sara-jeanne and i were so funny watching them...so out of place at this rock bar...but it was good to see him again - pause or no pause.

I have my new address but i will type that out when i get my new cell phone so that i can give my contact info as a complete package. Looks like Jennie may be sending her half of the furnishings from NC to Vancouver - and she may have to come and meet them at the border which means seeing the woman i love. Sigh. If only i was attracted to her - i would have found my life mate. Anyway, i am excited to redecorate and take over the apartment. Good ol' roots.

My official title at head office is Office Administrator. John doesn't seem to remember that i have the Benz (or the Merk - as i call it now) and so i will hang onto each additional precious day i have with this beautiful vehicle. I hold out hope that i will be transferred eventually to Centro and work under my cousin in a more creative, challanging role...but 'til then...

I take my lindy classes, attend the Centre once more and do alot of catching up in funky Tea Houses.

The blogging slows and all is well...

Joining the Pity Party

2004-09-12T11:57:00.000-07:00

Should one panic when they realize they don't have any real friends?

No one cares that i am coming back to the city. Why does this surprise me? Before i came out here to La Casa i was going to move away from Vancouver due to how lonely and friendless i felt. Nothing has changed in that regard while i have played out the summer in my RV. I am going back to a place of a million acquaintances and not one person whose life will be made better by my return.

What a shitty feeling.

I hope i like the new job...that way i can perhaps become a workaholic.

Is this the fate of a woman almost 30? Do kindred spirits...i am talkin' close, attached at the hip friendships....start to become exstinct when you get older? Is it normal that in order to have a companion who holds your presence as a priority in their life - you gotta be having sex with them? How can someone like me, who pours so much effort into sustaining my relationships, find not one door opened eagerly to my return? I know i am not a victim here...so i wonder...where have i gone wrong? What do i learn from this?

At least up here on the windy mountain i had an excuse for being alone.

Sigh. Packing up the Mercedes with my worldly belongings and wondering how i will get beds and tables and couches into the apartment when i trade this Benz for a Bus Pass. God, am i making a mistake? I am going on my third day of doubt...i don't want to stay, i don't want to go, i don't want to only be sure of what i don't want...

Lord love a duck.

When Coming Home Means Vancouver

2004-09-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

I guess that is telling. I am coming home is now known as 'as of Monday night i will be living once again in Vancouver'. So, Vancouver is home. And yet, Saskatchewan is still home and Toronto holds my adult history and Dawson City, my heart. I suppose home is that place of peace that tells me that i don't need an address to be defined. And address-less i am.

I pushed to be let off the site and i got what i wanted. They are making me receptionist at head office while i wait for Centro to be launched. Then, i am told, i will be pulled off reception and given a position with the project team headed up by my cousin. Truth be told i am not thrilled about being a receptionist, but i appreciate the consistant income. I just wish i had more trust that i won't get 'stuck' answering their phones. We will see. The third act is coming to a close. This chapter is ending. Brent and i are 'pausing' which may mean that we also write THE END at the conclusion of this chapter. I am open. The adventure continues.

New chapter? Looks like i will be taking over Ms. Sara-Jeanne's apartment as i wait for Jennie to move to Vancouver in the spring 2005. THEN Jen and i or mom and i may look at investing in a condo...see what happens when you hang out with real estate people?! I will continue with the intention of paying off my student loan by the new year and 'taking a break' from theatre with my little office job and secure income. Embracing the questions, i will make new friends, date a little and hope to heal my wounds with Aidan. Perhaps i will even buy my Echo soon...ahhhh, the way one can dream with an actual income...

I will blog my new contact info once i have purchased a cell phone and attained my new mailing address.

This i am sure of...

My time on the windy mountain will never be forgotten.

Wisdom on the Shelf of Chapters

2004-09-07T13:36:00.000-07:00

I walk into Chapters yesterday and, there on a shelf, are these words written by Rainer Maria Rilke:

"i beg you...to have patience with everything
unresolved in your heart and try to love the
questions themselves as if they were locked
rooms or books written in a very foreign
language. don't search for the answers,
which could not be given you now, because
you would not be able to live them. and the
point is, to live everything. live the questions
now. perhaps then, someday far in the future,
you will gradually, without even noticing it, live
your way into the answer..."

It sorta took my breath away, this passage. It was like something placed these words specifically in my path. Embrace the questions themselves. When i am ready for the answers they will come. No rush. No panic. Lovely. Truly Lovely.

I believe strongly if you, too, are reading these words now, they were meant to speak to you. I give you them and welcome you onto this journey of Not Knowing.

Get ready to, as a highschool friend of mine had stenciled on the side of his car,
Get in, sit down, shut up...
and hang on....

Money, Alcohol and A Whole Lotta Lovin'

2004-09-06T19:14:00.000-07:00

How do i even begin to explain my weekend?

I partied this weekend with a whole new crowd of people. The thing about these people that make them so different from my usual crowd is pretty much one thing :

Money.

I have never seen money so easily spent in all my life. I lived, for a weekend, in a world where you order exactly what you want from a menu, you have valets park your car, you pay taxi drivers to drive you to a couple of different convenience stores in the middle of the night so that you can purchase a disposable camera, you rent hotel rooms in 5 star hotels so you can pass out, you demand ridiculous things in the wee small hours of the morning from the concierge and they eagerly comply, you pick up tabs that are bigger than my monthly income and, at the end of the adventure, you haven't even spent enough to remotely faze you.

It is a world of financial flow...these people make it as fast as they spend it...they have no fear around money...for them it is merely a tool to create challange and excitment and to share with all your friends. I was both appalled and intrigued, shocked and in awe of this attitude and energy around money. There was never the ill treatment of anybody - there was not alot of bragging - it was actually quite healthy. It was extremely educational for me and quite a bit of fun. I am thinking it is good for me to hang out with these people. I am thinking no one is put on your path by mistake.

I am thinking that due to my corporate bonding i may be leaving La Casa soon and put on another project. I am thinking that i am going to continue on this real estate path for awhile.

I think alot.

Which brings me to Brent David. I think i think too much for some men. Living in the now has been fun, but i am not made to be a non-chalant lover. I can be a laid back flirt, date, friend, etc, etc...but not a lover. So...we back up and i learn a little bit more about myself. Life is good.

Summer is gone. Autumn descends, crisp, biting, new. The city people leave and i am left alone with the lake and the wind. I feel changed with the seasons. I wear a sweater and roll my pants down.

The butterfly becomes restless for her release.

The Arguement at the Cat's Meow

2004-09-03T14:07:00.000-07:00

Why does everyone seem so traumatized by my lack of interest in being on stage these days?

I have been confronted with this several times since taking my professional 'hiatus' from the world of music theatre and i am deeply intrigued as to why the people in my life find it horrifying to watch me sit in an office and work for a corporation instead of auditioning for every show i can get my hands on and stare at my cell phone all day willing my agent to call? I mean, i am happy. I am a more balanced, happy, well-adjusted, loving human since leaving theatre. I don't put all the blame on theatre, i take responsibility and know that it has simply been my reaction to the theatre world that broke my heart. But, still, when i am involved in the theatre world i am consumed more often than not by jealousy, fear, anger, inadequacies and pettiness. Until i can heal why that is, or how i can not be sucked into those traps, i will stick to my little office job. It isn't the solution, i have no passion for this job, but it gives me some security at a searching time in my life.

And corporations aren't the devil. They aren't always the most ethical groupings of people, but i must remind myself...it is all love. IT IS ALL LOVE. Not just things artistic...

I may not have as clear a focus when it comes to 'my passion', but i do know that i am still a passionate woman. I want to live my life dedicated to learning about unconditional love - for myself and for this beautifully imperfect perfect world. I want to help people heal their self-loathing and judgemental anger in the only way i believe it can be done ---- by healing my own. I want to tell stories that inspire and council lost souls and connect to this universe through song and dance and write these ponderings so that everyone can know that it is good and very good.

Shakti Gawain was saying that her goal is to embrace it all as perfect. Even the less spiritual moments, even the judgemental temper tantrums, even the moments of despondant lonliness. I agree with her....and so, i hope to heal my disillusionment with the theatre industry and become spiritually strong enough that, if i do it again, i do it for the love of myself and others.

I must also remember that if my hiatus triggers people, it means they themselves may have something that is screaming to be recognized.

On a positive note, i have been watching some of my requests of the universe manifest before my eyes...money, an apartment, a secure job in the city...very interesting to see which ones i embrace and which prove to be things i didn't actually want after all.

Brent digs his way into my heart, Aidan moves to Vancouver and the summer officially says goodbye.

Better get mom to mail me my scarf.

In the Words Of JenBen

2004-08-29T16:52:00.000-07:00

The following is an email sent to me by a woman who has gone from being a best friend to a true inspiration. In her own time of pain and struggle, she found the love and strength to comfort me and my minor irritations. She also left me feeling unconditionally loved, understood and, by the merit of sharing her own lessons, spiritually enlightened. May each and every one of you be blessed in your lifetime to be handed a Jennie Grado....

Krista J,

I feel your corporate pain. I know the trials of being in a job you're not passionate about, that slowly tears at the fibre of your being. You can do whatever you want - be thankful that you are blessed with the intelligence, heart, and soul necessary to be able to either make it through the time you may spend at La Casa or decide to leave knowing it's best for you. Whatever you do will be the right thing. Money and responsibility are powerful things - they can make you feel free, in charge, but they can also bind you to something that may slowly drain you. Do what you need to do to still be joyful you. If that means a hotel, and more time off then do it. If it means leaving then do it. You have my love, support, and admiration either way.

And if you want to tell them all to kiss your ass and just throw a big f'ing temper tantrum...do that too. heehee. When in Rome...

I did something very weird yesterday. I went out to Caron, Saskatchewan - where I spent years of my life with the Keeraks. Rachelle's boyfriend lives out there, and they had been asking me for weeks to come and see his new home. I'd often asked where he lived in relation to the Keeraks' old place, but he didn't know exactly. Turns out he lives right next door. NEXT DOOR. It was wild to see their place again, haven't been there in almost ten years. TEN YEARS. Fuck.

So then I sat down and thought about why I had been brought there now of all times. Jason was the only other break-up I knew that rocked the foundation of my world, and of course what I am going through now is several orders of magnitude more painful. The answer was easy. I am different. And I am reacting so differently. Then, I ran to a million other men - asked them to make it better - even men that were detached and violent and abusive. It consequently took me years to heal. And now? I don't know. I don't know what will make me feel better...but I'm sure that I'll be concious of it, non-anesthetized by infatuation like I would have been in the past. In these moments of realizing very big changes, I am still in incredible pain...but I am thankful for where I am and who I am. My lessons have been hard to learn, but very worth it. It's been a very big weekend for me.

I also came across a little book of quotes called a Thousand Paths to love by David Baird. You would love it. I found several that have completely touched me - thought I might share them with you.

"everything will be okay in the end. if it is not okay, it is not the end."

"Love itself will provide the strength to bear the loss of love."

"Absence sharpens love. Presence strengthens it. "

Many more to come I'm sure. It's a charming little book - I'm sure we'll spend hours reading it together in the future, or at least that's my daydream of today.
Can't wait to see you - whenever that may be.
Love you and miss you,
Jenben

Jimmy Eats World

2004-08-26T19:59:00.000-07:00

Life just keeps rolling along...

Got my hair done, traded the Ford Focus for a Mercedes Benz, purchased new earrings, had a phone conversation with someone i don't know, walked in the rain, watched Olympics, did some in-office flirting, ate at Whitespot, sopped up my leaky RV, listened to RevB's voice, tanned, paid off a liquor licence, received an email from an old crush, failed at sleeping in, bought some elevator music, visited my local library, filled up the jerry cans, comforted jennie, put together a jelly bean puzzle, started a new book, missed the musician, tried msn-ing the ex, changed my desktop theme, ignored my cell phone, toyed with driving to Vancouver, saw my niece out of the blue, had a first interview for job touring Thailand for the winter, wondered about Mike, put on the heater, replaced a temp, discovered i may be moved into a hotel.

For a day off...not bad...

Wanna see me as of late? Wanna see photos that i have taken? All this fun and more at:
www.kevinj.ca
Make sure you visit the sub-albulm with tequila in the title!!!

cha cha cha

Brent David Johnson

2004-08-22T20:01:00.000-07:00

This is a name that is becoming notable in my life.

On the floor of the house that Brent David just happenned to be staying at because he just happenned to not be able to move into his apartment at the 'right' time and where i just happenned to be visiting was a book that just happenned to be sitting in front of me and for no apparant reason picked up, flipped open to a random page and just happenned to start reading.

This is what i read on the page i turned to:

Practice daily to strengthen your inner light.

See conflict without resenting it or wanting to change it.

Look at the conflict in front of you straight in the eye. Don't be a doomat! Stand firm without being reactive.

Know that it doesn't matter if people love you in that moment, you love them. It doesn't matter if people understand you, you understand them. And if they do not forgive you, you forgive them.

Be patient under trial. As long as you are not judgmental or resentful, you will be able to disagree without being disagreeable.

If you have something to say, say it. Don't be upset or react, just say it.

If you have something to do, do it. Don't be upset or react, just do it with presence.

Don't be overly excited by praise or offended by criticism. And don't be too quick to give praise or criticism.

Always follow your intuition.

Practice doubting your doubts when they arise.

Do not fall into the trap of competition and comparison.

Stay in your body in moments of adversity.

Let go and have faith in the power of the universe. It is always there for you, all you ever need to do is let go and let it in.

Thank you, Brent David, not only for putting me in the path of these words, but for becoming a name that, when spoken, opens my heart just a little bit more.

Namaste.

The Corporate Craziness at La Casa

2004-08-20T21:53:00.000-07:00

This past week has been a blur.

I have been in the middle of office drama and i am not used to office drama. I am used to theatre drama, but not the office-type...it generally looks the same just with more desks and money.

My manager has been fired. I have watched someone lower than me, be promoted over my head and am too tired to care. No one knows what they are being paid, the front sales room feels like a bad day at The Brick as the REAs (sales people) dive at each client walking in like they are starving dogs and i still have 12 bosses all who tell me that all the other bosses are idiots and not to listen to anyone but them.

Now the challange becomes to stay positive and connected to the Truth which is that there is only Love.

This is not a common practise in the corporate world.

Two nights ago i decided to stick up for myself and write a mass email to head office that basically said unless certain things change i will have to leave. I expected from them a shrug and a wave goodbye, but instead they all leapt to the forefront and for the first time in 3 weeks made some major changes. I can not lie, this made me feel important and needed and a little bit powerful. I will not abuse that power, but La Casa and 20/20 Properties needs me and so i stay here at Kelowna.

The question is: how do i feel about how involved i am getting in such a non-artistic career path? Do i continue to pursue it after i leave La Casa? Could Real Estate be my vehicle down the path to my bigger dream? Could it be a means to an end that i could utilize in a positive way and not allow to eat me alive? Is it really in me to be involved in an industry that is so incredibly focused on money?

Or will i leave here at the end of September and watch this crazy experience fade off into the sunset --- becoming nothing more than a story to tell?

Vent

2004-08-16T20:25:00.000-07:00

I was just starting to like this job.

Well, ok, like is a strong word, but i was just starting to feel competent, capable, needed and somewhat serene about the whole thing and then BOOM...in comes another storm and i am back in the water without the water wings....

...and YES i am treading water, but the tide is comin' in fast...

They are firing my manager. Or at least they say they are. All of my 15 bosses say alot of things and then do nothing. Either way the situation stinks. Either Susan leaves and i take on 40x the work load doing stuff that is totally out of my comfort zone or Susan stays and i babysit her workload and her volatile emotional temper tantrums. Everyone yells at each other, insults each other behind closed doors, gives me a brand new job description every 15 minutes via email, sends me out to do sales and then critiques what i am doing (like i should even have a clue in the first place) and are all as stressed out and unhappy as i am. Thing is i am not unhappy. I am not an unhappy person. I am not a stressed out corporate bitch-about-everything-and-do-it-all-to-make-money kind of gal. SO WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??

I could quit. Tonight i want to quit. Too bad that my cousin got me the job and i feel obliged to 'prove myself' in this stupid job and not let her down. So quitting isn't that easy.

I could not let any of it affect me. I could work my 16 hours a day, doing everyone else's job and collect my measly paycheck every 2 weeks and 'chalk it up to experience'...i could even sorta suck at my job and not give a shit...

I could complain to head office. But i am thinking that that would be as effective as shooting a dozen bullets into an already decaying carcass...plus, i have no boss to complain to...

I could blog my way into depression.

I could write a play about it.

I could wake up 3 days from now and actually find that some of the multi-millionaire owners actaully did something other than golf and come to work to find the chaos under control and the work environment positive and fulfilling.

I could go down to the lake and dangle my feet in the water and just have a good solid cry. I could ask the universe to help me out on this one and then steal away into that inner place that reminds me that this isn't my 'last chance' and that no one ever said this had to work out 'or else'...

Ease, joy, grace. That is all i want...

Please. Pretty please.

With cherries on top??

I'll See Ya When I See Ya

2004-08-12T18:27:00.000-07:00

So.
Hm.

I think i am being challanged to live in the moment. I think the universe is testing me to find out if i can be in something undefined, uncontrolled and that makes me totally vulnerable.

Can i connect with a human being, but when i leave the room allow them total freedom from my expectation, my labels, my box? Can a man give me that freedom? Can two people be happy without any sense of security - only the faith that in the moment they can make each other smile and smile and smile...

Can i wake up and leave someone i care about, who has just shared a very intimate time with me and simply say...I'll see ya when i see ya? And if they said that to me, would i, COULD I still feel wonderful about the time we spent?

I say yes.

I usual seek out labels. I don't know if that is true anymore. I nown seek my freedom more than i seek security. I hunger to find my wave and am wary of climbing aboard a new one...I think i can do this....this in the moment thing. I think it could be exactly what my life calls for right now.

La Casa on the Lake continues to be an adventure. I work many hours, get paid a bit, dangle my feet in the lake, read lots and take long, hot showers in the community facilities. It is an odd way to live, but i am kinda loving it.

Mom arrives tomorrow for a week visit. Should make it even busier here...i love my mom. Yeah, life is good.

And very good.

The Power of Intention

2004-08-09T22:16:00.000-07:00

Just finished watching Wayne Dyer speak on his new book...The Power Of Intention...and just like his message, finding him on the TV this evening was no less than a beautfiul synchronicity with the universe. I have hungered for a message for the last couple of days that i am not finding in my current books or the speakers that i go to by default. Being out here, in the middle of nowhere, i had started looking to nature...being an obvious resource. This worked, and yet i knew there was more...

Then tonight i went to have a shower in the public facilities here on site. I stopped by the TV room on my way in and without understanding why i did it, i quickly reached over to the remote and flicked on the wide screen. There, speaking to thousands of people, was Wayne Dyer and i knew instantly he was going to say the things i was needing to hear. So i sat. And i listened. And i am renewed.

Last night, after speaking to Jennie and attempting to console her in the wake of what may be her divorce, i asked a question of her and of me and of It All...what would life be like if we weren't allowed to be mean to ourselves? What would my mental atmosphere look like if i simply didn't allow myself to ever say anything less than loving to myself? I don't know if even my closest loved ones have any clue just how cruel i can be to myself. And i believe that i am not unique in this...in fact, i am sure of it.

So, as i walked home, with the lights across the lake shining and that warm summer interior BC wind sweeping my face, i made a statement. No more. I am going to police my mean self and stop being tolerant of the cruelty. I am going to stop the rudeness in its tracks and i am going to stick up for myself. I intend from this day forward to cherish me no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT.

That includes thoughts i have about my body, my ex's, my financial status, my undefined present day purpose....

I am perfect, whole and complete and worthy of treating myself like a queen...

From here on in, i am kicking my own inner-critic's ass.

In The Words of Kuroda Saburo

2004-08-07T21:05:00.000-07:00

I am completely different
Though i am wearing the same tie as yesterday
am as poor as yesterday
as good for nothing as yesterday
today
I am completely different
Though i am wearing the same clothes
am as drunk as yesterday
living as clumsily as yesterday, nevertheless,
today
I am completely different.

Ah-
I patiently close my eyes
on all the grins and smirks
on all the twisted smiles and horse laughs
and glimpse then, inside me,
one beautiful butterfly
fluttering towards tomorrow

The Notebook

2004-08-04T22:43:00.000-07:00

I just watched The Notebook and I am in a very serious mood. The movie has me wondering...

Have I ever been truly loved...like that...has the love that the men in my life have felt for me been true? I know that when things were working, they loved me. I know that when they were certain of my reciprocation, they loved me. I know that when they were sure that they had me, they loved me. But is it not true that the moment that love has been tested by the BIG things...I have been quickly forgotten and loved no more? Could I ever really meet a man who would love me whether or not I loved him back, after years of separation, despite anything, against all odds? Is this why I leave in the patterned way that I do? Am I testing them...am I searching for the one who will be stronger than any apparent obstacle? Who will love me because he has no choice but to love me? Or perhaps am I in the middle of this exact love story and just haven't experienced the ending yet?

Sigh.

I know that I am furthering the love story with myself. Today me took me on a glorious day-long date. We ate ripe mango for breakfast and swam in the clearest water, lay on the sand, meditated on a rock, read poetry in a bookstore, tried on summer dresses, took us out for a huge meal and ended the day with the most romantic movie we have seen in ages. I am renewed.

Can my love for myself stand the test of time...against all odds? Now, there is the an even better thing to spend my time pondering...

The Middle of Nowhere Contact Info

2004-07-30T20:33:00.000-07:00

"It would be wonderful indeed if a group of persons should arrive on earth who were for something and against nothing." ---Ernest Holmes

Seems i know what i don't want in terms of purpose...but not quite what i want...

Then there is this...SARK www.campsark.com relates that before becoming a best-selling author she had tried over 300 jobs (or was it 600?) in search...she says it is a delightful way to find out what you don't want to do...

That is all i am going to say about my current situation.

Mailing Address: Krista J. Konkin
c/o La Casa Kelowna
6808 Westside Rd.
South Fintry, BC V1Z 3R8
wkph: 250-26o-4891
cell: 250-718-8379

Call me. Email me. Think of me.

I will wait for you up here ...on the top of the mountain... in the wind.

Chaos in Kelowna

2004-07-29T21:29:00.000-07:00

This is hilarious.

I am living in a trailor with no real shower and not alot of water and have been handed a job that is an undefined as the project. I have an amazing view of the lake, but no internet signal unless i venture into the woods and hunt down a wireless connection, a phone that i can't use to call out, but never stops ringing and a list of TO DOs that is long and completely incomprehensible. I struggle to understand what a POA is versus a PRA, i say the words Strata and foreclosure and property value with flair while wondering what i could possibly be talking about and i return to my trailor at the end of the night to crawl into my sleeping bag and wonder, once again, how i got here.

I just keep laughing. I know that will be the only way i will survive.

Jennie has left Eric and has been offerred a dream job in Vancouver. I want this job to work out so that i have a reason, purpose and income to keep me in the Van City where she and i can live together and pave new paths for our new dreams. I don't know if this pipe dream will manifest, but it is what keeps me here at La Casa ( the name of the resort). Well, there is possibly more than one thing...

I spent Sunday with a man named Brent. There are alot of things that i could say about this day, but i don't want to try and pin it down yet. Sunday was spent in a haze and Sunday night in a dream-like state. He makes me smile and he grants me escape. I know not why, but he seems completely familiar and totally surreal.

This of course stirs up feelings of guilt in regards to Aidan...who is also returning to Vancouver in a month. Although, i know better in my old age...and i have said this before..many things can be true all at the same time.

Like the fact that i want to go home right now and i want to stay and excel.

Like the fact that i feel completely fulfilled and totally still at a loss.

Like the fact that i would kill for a shower and ....

ok, no, truly....i would kill for a shower.

Employed Again

2004-07-24T02:14:00.000-07:00

So I will share one of my unexpected surprises.

I am moving to Kelowna.

I have been hired by my cousin's Real Estate company to represent a resort property on Okanagan Lake as they attempt to sell it off to investors. Today I was given not only a job, but a car, a cell phone, a laptop, one thousand dollars in petty cash (petty??) and the explanation that I would mostly be creating the job as I went along. They told me that I could be there for one month or I could be there for four months. They also mentioned that if this all goes well I will most likely keep some sort of position with 20/20 at their Vancouver office.

I leave Tuesday.

So, I guess I am not moving back to Saskatchewan just yet. Or at all. How do I feel about this sudden opportunity? Grateful. Shocked. Overwhelmed. Amused. Intrigued. Excited. Disappointed. Amazed.

I see the pros and cons...a paycheck and perks, a job that could potentially be very satisfying and fun, a stunning location to work in, a company that could create more work for me in the future, a reason to stay in BC. Cons-I know no one in Kelowna, I have no clue what this job will truly entail or if I will be able to do it, it is happening really fast and then there is this one other little detail...

But I can't tell you everything in one night.

I feel a little bit like I am on a practical joke TV show - the fact that last week I was sitting in my room, staring at walls, aimless, floating, just trying to breath through my panic and today I have a Toyota Corolla sitting out front, a cell phone in my purse and a whole lot of responsibility...

Sara-Jeanne even called.

I am going to try and use it as a retreat. A retreat from the retreat. A place to assess where all this 'finding myself' has gotten me. I am going to eat fruit and swim in the lake and create spreadsheets and ride the beginning of what I think might be an emerging wave.

(Cue Music) I'm gonna run through the halls of my high school, i'm gonna scream at the top of my lungs, I just found out there's no such thing as the real world...

Just a lie you've got to rise above.

Unexpected Song

2004-07-23T00:48:00.000-07:00

I had all these wise and profound things to relate tonight that i brought home with me from another session with the Clearmind gang...but as i sit here now, staring at the screen, i can't remember one thing.

Oh, okay, one thing...in many ways we are living as a reaction to the story we tell ourselves about our families.

I know it is true for me. Or has been true in the past.
But i can't concentrate on such academic topics right now.

Right now i feel like singing.

There is news on my horizon...changes...in more than one area of my life...but they feel fragile still, fledgling and not final enough to share. What i can share is that no matter where your life is one day, it can look very different the next. That sometimes you have to fall to your knees completely before you will begin to rise. Last week i was on my knees. Today i feel stirrings of a melody i call hope...perhaps tomorrow i will fly.

Wayne Dyer's new book The Power Of Intention...brilliant. I especially noted the section that suggests writing your 'dying words' now, today, in this moment...if you did, what would you say? More importantly, what would these preparing for death words say about how you live while alive?

...and for anyone suffering from poetry withdrawl...Hafiz...Sufi poet extrodanaire...he's damn funny, too...

I will also leave you with the Clearmind website...www.clearmind.com...as it has one of D'uane's talks as an audio file...he inspires insights...and what could be yummier?

Perhaps Broadway Station at 3pm on a Sunday?

To Edit or Not to Edit

2004-07-19T19:20:00.000-07:00

I have been blogging now for a couple of months and only recently has it occurred to me that people that I am just getting to know may be reading my blogs. It is just now occurring to me that perhaps I should watch what I say...paint myself in a better light...edit my truth. What is that all about? Why is being totally truthful something that only seems appropriate after the two people have established trust? Up until that point does one benefit from hiding the less attractive thoughts and feelings away...??

What is my truth right now? What do I know for sure? In a sea of uncertainty - what is true about me?

I am not unhappy. In fact I am astounded at how many times a day I am still blown away at how blessed I am...yesterday, for example...hanging out on Granville Island, playing guitar, singing, throwing a frisbee, going back to Kevin's for a BBQ...I totally understood how, from afar, we were the picture of youthful, summer, carefree fun. That is my life on many levels.

Did it mean I was any less lost in what choices I should be making? No. Did it mean that I am convinced that Vancouver is the place I belong? No. Did it erase my pain about Mike's cancer or The Invisible Friends or my financial woe? No. But yesterday was a good day none the less and this I am certain of: my life is pretty fantastic, even in its mixed up state.

I am certain that it is all happening perfectly, even the stuff that is a struggle.
I am certain that whatever happens I will never regret moving here.
I am certain that today is not the end of this chapter.
I am certain that I could be happy and miserable and joyful and ignored and adored and frightened and brave anywhere in the world...that now it is becoming about where it is I can best feed myself...

I am certain that I want to be authentic. If it scares someone away then I am saddened that they did not choose to see what might lie behind the words....I will not worry, though, as I believe that truth is the sexiest thing going...

That, and nice forearms.

The End of I Don't Know

2004-07-16T00:41:00.000-07:00

It has been suggested that I try to remove the statement 'I don't know' from my vocabulary.

Now, this is asking a lot in a life like I have right now when there are constant inqueries about stuff that I seriously don't have clear answers to...but the argument is that, on some level, I DO know...that the more honest answers are 'Don't bug me, I don't want to think about it' or ' Still exploring. I will let you know what I find'. I am intrigued and am willing to grasp onto any tiny thing that might ease this ache in my soul and nausea in my stomach.

Went to the hospital to visit Mike again today only to find that he had been discharged. The biopsy results yesterday showed his tumor to be a extragonadal nonseminoma germ cell cancer. In other words, rare but treatable. He starts chemotherapy on Monday. I have total faith that he is going to kick this thing in the ass. I just hope that now that he isn't held captive in a hospital I will still get a chance to see him.

This has been a shitty week.

I hit a wall so hard yesterday that today I called a counselor. She got me in right away and I am going back tomorrow. I need help to figure out my next steps. I am becoming paralyzed with fear, emotionally exhausted and ashamed at how long it is taking me to establish this new life. I like her. I am glad that I am going.

Speaking of going...Jennie has told me that she will supply me with a flight home if I want it. I may just do it. I may just go home. I may just chalk this up to bad timing. We will see.

Dancing was fun tonight. I closed my eyes and allowed the hot night, the cool ocean breeze and the music to be my medication. It worked, the wounds feel less raw...

"I'm climbing uphill, Daddy, climbing uphill..."

The Unanswerable Question

2004-07-12T22:54:00.000-07:00

Why me??

That is what Mike is asking himself right now. Mike has been diagnosed with cancer, the tumour is the size of a grapefruit and the biopsy is still with the pathologists.

Five days ago he was just a guy walking the down the street with a bit of a cough.

Tonight he is lying in a hospital bed scared as hell. And i am witnessing the fear of a man and a family i don't really know. I am, once again, on the periphery...not entirely unwelcome, but not quite belonging. My life has suddenly been made to seem very small in comparison with what is happenning inside that hospital room and yet i am not entirely positive that i should even be there. The problem is i care. I hurt for him, i fear for him, i long to heal him. It doesn't really matter to me that i barely know him - for god's sake i don't even really know if i would like him - right now, i am overwhelmed with love for this person.

It saddens me also that he is a complete and utter atheist and cynic. As far as he is concerned when his body gives out on him that will be the end, period. I respect his beliefs and even understand their validity...but i want so badly to hold him and instill him with hope that a)we have the power to defy what doctors and medicine and science say and b)this journey in our bodies will end but something neverending is occurring and we are all apart of it. I suppose i also want to tell him that there is nothing to fear - like a good Course in Miracles student...but that one is not possible presently as i am feeling too much fear myself to convince anyone else of that fact.

I am so sick of being the one in the room that everyone looks at and thinks 'who's she?'. I am angry at those i thought were my friends and yet not quite familiar yet with those i have only started to call friends. I long for Aidan ...if only just to know that he is healthy and alive. He can hate me, as long as he is healthy and safe. I feel like i am buzzing with a million different emotions. I don't cry at all when i am in the hospital room and can't stop crying when i exit it.

This is not what i thought my summer 2004 would look like...

I was hoping for more of a "beer commercial" angle...

Micheal, as a stranger and friend, i love you...would it were strong enough to allow you to awaken from this nightmare, you would dream gently, always.

Making Movies

2004-07-11T00:27:00.000-07:00

TODAY Iain, Kane and i made Jennie a birthday movie.

I am so proud of it i invite you all to view it at www.thesummeryears.com

TONIGHT i went to the swing dance and thought...blaaaaa...and the minute i let one negative thought overtake me i was deluged with the old familiar panic...where do i belong? who do i belong to? where will i get the money to pay for my dance classes? why don't i have a job? who can i trust? why is my instinct to run? what is aidan doing right now? ...and GOD i have got to do laundry...

TOMORROW... i will start again. Sort the colors from the whites...rework my own plot...

NOW, i am going to sleep.

The rest is all illusion anyway...

Visiting Hours

2004-07-09T11:09:00.000-07:00

A completely different way of knowing that my life, as lost and broke and directionless as it is, is pretty much fantastic.

When i first got here i met a guy, a friend of a friend. He was what i would call 'datable' and 'flirt worthy' and beyond all that ... a really good guy. He had to spend most of June away doing a contract and i have been patiently awaiting his return in order to get to know him better.

I just got off the phone with the friend that introduced us and it seems that this gentleman is in the hospital. They found something on his lungs (he's been coughing non-stop for over a month) and they have admitted him to do some tests. So, this boy who i thought i would invite for a walk on the beach, i will now be seeing today in the hospital. Boom. Quick as that. I am ... a bit stunned. I am alot humbled.

And again, i learn.

Live your life. LIVE it. Stop worrying and complaining and fearing...if you are alive and walking around and healthy and strong enough to be able to list the things that suck about your day - you are blessed. I am suddenly very aware of how great it is to be sitting on this bed, laptop on my lap, exsisting.

Now, i must go. Visiting hours aren't always as long as we think they should be...

Avalanche

2004-07-08T17:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i heard Duane O'Kane speak for the first time. These are some of the things that he said that i really 'heard'...

Be in the anxiety. Vibrate in it, stew in it, sit in it...don't act out by gettting angry or depressed and don't act in by establishing some addiction...don't be so quick to get rid of it...it is a gift. Inside the pain you will learn.

So, i woke up today and thought...even this hell is heaven. I am afraid and i am happy and i am lost and i am safe. All at the same time...these things are true.

I also went to check out this massage school yesterday ... and am pretty sure it is a little too expensive for me. So, i am researching schools back home and surprisingly the thought of returning home to study is ... kinda .... lovely. And i am still holding out hope that a beautiful job will fall into my lap.

Ah, another lesson was this...don't pursue it, don't resist it. Just let it be whatever it is.

I am going to try and use that in regards to men.

And this...what could be cooler than witnessing your own life? Which is exactly why i blog...so that i can watch myself go through all this...even when i am having a tempertantrum i enjoy looking down on myself and smiling...because it is all good really in the end, isn't it?

Thing about having my new perspective is that even the crappy days have a different backdrop...the path doesn't change...just the way in which you walk down it...

It ain't easy street, but i am kinda starting to enjoy these bumps.

Be Careful What You Ask For...You Might Just Get It

2004-07-06T12:01:00.000-07:00

I just woke up from the most incredible sleep. I realize that i haven't slept soundly...or at least i haven't slept that hard for a long time. I dreamnt of a woman named Ruby Berger. I don't know a Ruby Berger. Hmmmmm...I woke up feeling slightly changed. Odd, but good...

So, here is where i am at...

I am now thinking that perhaps i should go back to school. It is obvious that i can't compete in the non-theatre working world without more education and especially if i want to make money doing something that brings me any sort of satisfaction. Thing is...i intended to spend this year paying off my debts, not getting myself further into debt. The thought of immersing myself back into something that would inspire me is exciting...the thought of building back up my student loans to 30K again is not.

If i was to study i am thinking about massage therapy. There is work for RMTs and i have always had an affinity. I would love the work atmosphere and it would tie in perfectly with my SOM classes and my ultimate goal of helping to empower those around me.

Then i think about Princess Cruises calling me this month to go work on a cruise for 6 months to a year and i wonder if that wouldn't make more sense right now. Just keep away from all the expenses and do things that allow me to bank the money. I am wildly aware these days of how little i have keeping me here...keeping me anywhere.

Moments of panic still engulf me and then i am convinced that i must just go home - now - and stop this insanity.

Cynthia, my older cousin, has also just emailed me and is making it sound like she might be able to create work for me - part-time at first - working within her Real Estate world. Could it be family that will ultimately pull through for Krista??

I am swirling in a sea of possibilities and choices and confusion and potential...and i am doing it alone. Not alone, but alone. This is what i told Aidan i wanted and this is what i am getting...ten fold. I love the thought that i am probably in the middle of creating my own wave, as i like to say, but DANM i never thought this birthing process was gonna be so painful!

It is also interesting to note how much i want to find a boy...a fun, dating experience... but why??...to distract me?...or to cling to?...or to stroke my ego?...

It is also interesting that i have lived here 5 weeks and still haven't purchased any groceries...

...and i wonder why i am hungry...

Kevin J and Iain McB

2004-07-01T13:50:00.000-07:00

If someone would have told me one year ago that i would be living in Vancouver on July 1st, 2004, sitting in an apartment with two men i just met (and a bird) talking about ugly genitalia and eating oddly phallic frozen gel sticks - i wouldn't have believed it.

Not that i am complaining...not about these men...these two are a chapter i will not easily forget...

Happy Birthday Canada. Is it really already July...what's going on?? Will i be staying? Will i be back in Saskatchewan? Will i be laying on a beach somewhere in the Bahamas??

Oh, and my new nickname is "G" === you will have to ask them what that could possibly stand for...

I can not concentrate as these men are too sexy for me to be ignoring.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...lucky woman i am....

Nowhere Fast

2004-06-29T21:45:00.000-07:00

The job fell through...in a manner of speaking.
I am also aquiring a habit of attaining crushes on men ridiculously younger than me who couldn't be less interested.
Don't know where the money will come from now...wow...am i lost...i can honestly say that i have never ever been this totally messed up in all areas of my life.

Heard this song tonight...by the same band that gave me my summer theme song Drive. Read the lyrics and bitterly laughed out loud...i leave you with it...

Will I ever get to where it is that I am going?
Will I ever follow through with what I, what I had planned?
I guess it's possible that I have been a bit distracted
and the directions for me are a lot less in demand.
Will I ever get to where I'm going?
If I do, will I know when I'm there?
If the wind blew me in the right direction (yea) would I even care?
I would.
I take a look around; it's evident the scene has changed.
And there are times when I feel improved upon the past.
Then there are times when I can't seem to understand at all
and yes it seems as though I'm going nowhere...
really fucking fast
Will I ever get to where I'm going?
If I do, will I know when I'm there?
If the wind blew me in the right direction (yea) would I even care?
I would. I would. I would.

"Space"

2004-06-27T01:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes even those we love the most need space. Sometimes that is an afternoon of space and sometimes it is 12 years of space.

I am notorious for being a woman who will come to a point of needing space in a relationship. But i have also been the one who has been on the waiting end of a cherished someone's space-taking. This afternoon that wait came to an end - and it only took 12 years.

His name is Carmen J. Price and he was one of my truest friends in high school. He was also the best friend of a boyfriend of mine at the time. When the boyfriend and i broke up, so did Carmen and i...much to my dismay. But never did i stop loving and missing this man. He can hate me, i thought, but one day we will be friends again...and i waited. And i waited. And then today i went to a free jazz concert in downtown Vancouver.

On my way out the door i heard his voice. "Krista J. Konkin??" it said. And i knew it was him. I turned and looked and there he was. Older and wiser, but still so much the same, he smiled at me and i felt my breath catch. I threw myself into his arms and believed once again in patience. In faith. In lifelong friendships. He was glad to see me. He was lovely. He was like coming home in a world of 'brand new'.

It was like finding Derick again in January after our two year silence...i sat at my piano after that and a song wrote itself...the first lyrics were...'welcome home, piece of my past, song in back of my heart, good to see you again...'. Tonight i sat in room of brand new friends. They were funny and interesting and novel. But it isn't the same...we don't have a history...not yet...

So i thank the Universe in its perfection for the old friends, the new friends, the kindred spirits and the companions. Balance is a beautiful thing.

And as for space...

If someone you love needs it...give it with your blessing. They were never your possession and loving them was always a gift - with or without their reciprocation. Have faith and keep your arms open for their return. Move on with your life, hold them close somewhere in the back of your heart and have faith. Emerson said it best...

"If you want a friend, be a friend."

And so it is, Ralph, and so it is.

Employed At Last

2004-06-25T20:35:00.000-07:00

I have been hired.

Phew.

I start Monday and to tell the truth, i am petrified.

Afraid to not work, afraid to work...WASSSSSSUP???

Wish i knew...i will tell you if i figure it out.

Until then...let us begin...our new series...LIVING THE NORMAL LIFE...

Tune in next time. This could get interesting.

My New Boyfriend Vancouver

2004-06-24T10:40:00.000-07:00

The phone rang on Monday night with a job offer in Jasper.

I suddenly was struck with a metaphor. It is like i moved here to date Vancouver. While i am having a fun time, i have been making sure that it is clear that i am free to date others...that at any moment, if our 'thing' gets hard, i can up and leave. Then i get a tempting offer from another suitor and am faced with coming to terms with my true feelings. Do i go to Japser or do i admit that i am falling for Vancouver and commit even though i run the risk of it getting hard (perhaps hard enough that it could fail)? Do i choose monogomy? Do i choose love?

The job in Jasper wasn't right for me anyway.

Yes...we are now an exclusive item -- I am staying in Vancouver --- if i leave, i will have to be dragged out kicking and screaming. I like it here. It makes me laugh, it is opening so many new doors, it is a super attractive city. And a part of me wonders if being here is the closest i have had to finding 'the one' -- the place i belong.

I have a second interview today. As a real, normal, boring job looms close i am thrust into the reality that once i get the real, normal, boring job i will have to go to it everyday. I must use the glorious paycheck to motivate me...i want to pay off my debts pretty much more than i want most anything else at this juncture.

I also am enjoying the men in this city. Typing on my computer like this makes me feel like Carrie Bradshaw...a lower income version of sex in the city. Now if only i could get paid to type on this computer - then we would really be cooking.

Question to the Universe: Where are the marriages that work?? Why are so many of my married friends - the vast majority - unhappy? Is it a question of a world of people who can't figure out how to love themselves trying to love someone else? Is it a mass consciousness??

Just heard Jack Johnson's latest CD. Hello. Sexy. Experience it if you can.

And i will be careful what i pray for...

Deep Cove Convictions

2004-06-20T20:40:00.000-07:00

If you licked me right now i would taste like sea salt.

Or ocean salt. Or something like that. Just got home from losing my kayaking virginity. That, after a full day yesterday at the nude beach, has me feeling oddly sensual and spent. Summer. God, i love it.

I can't help but hope against hope that tomorrow that phone will ring with a job offer...because i am falling in love with this place.

Although i have felt strange lately about my neutral palate when it comes to the world of men. I am meeting great guys and have every desire to get to know them, to befriend them and maybe, in a rare and special event, to have sex with them...but...i have no desire to find an exclusive, monogomous boyfriend or get involved at any deep, give-my-heart-away level. Neutral. With Aidan, i miss him and i love him, but i also don't want to be inside a 'we'...which keeps me neutral. My wondering is if this is a cold and unloving place in which to find myself or merely a holding pattern that exsists because it needs to and will cease when timing dictates?

Been thinking about Alain Therrien lately...an old high school friend that i haven't seen in over 15 years...i remember someone saying he lived in Whistler...i seem to want to play the role of 'Ghost of Things Past' these days.

Side Notes:
Harry Potter Part III = better than the second.
Robert Altman's The Company was to be a sure fire hit with me. I hated it. Go figure.

Generally, i am feeling loved...am feeling safe...

Except when i spend time being really quiet...then i can hear it...a duller sound than before, but there it is none the less...it is fear...and i would be a liar to say that i have beaten that dragon yet...

But it is all about what you CHOOSE to focus on. So, tonight i choose a chocolate truffle and some 40's jazz while folding my laundry...

Shoo, shoo...shoo, shoo baby...

Coach to the Coaches

2004-06-18T18:24:00.000-07:00

If anyone can tell me how to tell the difference between the ego voice and the essence voice, i would really appreciate it. They tell you to follow your inner-voice, but they fail to mention that there is more than one that speaks and all of them quite articulate. The only clue i have found is that the essence voice never seems to speak in any sort of panic. It is always quite calm and funny and loving.

ANYWAY...

My birthday was fantastic...thank you Seth, SJ, Matt, Mike and my most magnificent mom. Walked the suspension bridge, drank a chai latte, recieved flowers, took in a movie, chatted over Greek, worked on my tan. Then the next day i A) had an appointment with a career councellor where, somehow, i ended up councelling HER and B) went to a promotions interview where i found out that i would have to promote CIGARETTES and walked out half way through. Just stood up and walked out. Money can never mean that much. Still...i do need a job and one of the voices was saying....WHO ARE YOU TO BE PICKY?? Then the other said..."you know who you are. leave." And so i did.

Yesterday i had a brilliant job interview. Thank God.

I also watched Miracle and seeing Casey shook me up...as i knew it would. Question to the world:

Something tells me to find him and see him. Not that i would know what to say. But i ignored my instinct with Jamie and looked what happenned. Now it is too late and i will never see him. Thing is...if seeing Casey just ends up being hurtful to him in some way have I really done a good thing or a selfish thing? Last thing i would want to do was cause more hurt in any way, shape or form...still i am haunted by this...

Haunted by a man i have never met and his brothers who i didn't love quite enough.

28

2004-06-14T21:50:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow i will be 28 years old.

I start this blog with my new roommate Kyle Murray's signature quote:
"Work like you've never been hurt,
Love like nobody's watching,
Dance like you don't need the money."

Also a suggested book for those of you who battle between the metaphysical and the scientific: Natural Grace by Matthew Fox and Rupert Sheldrake. This book is hurting my brain and warming my heart. Also, it is reminding me how many different things can all be true at the same time...a limitless universe.

My biggest accomplishments of being 27? The grandest was leaving Toronto. Selling everything i owned and just leaving. It was definitely what i needed to shake up my life.

The greatest discovery? The Centre for Conscious Living and all that followed after.

My darkest day? The walk in the park that confirmed that i could no longer be with Aidan Simpson -- as those dark, foreboding clouds suddenly descended over Wascana...yup, that was pretty much hideous.

What i hope for in my 28th year? CLARITY. Clarity about what I want, where i am going and who i am now that i don't have my obvious guideposts. And CONFIDENCE. Confidence that, without someone to save me, i will float...and then swim...and then find my own lifeboat...and then sail my own wave. Just those 2 things...with a little money and fun and love and health thrown in!

OK....who am i kidding?? I would also like to become a better lindy-hopper, pay off the rest of my student loan, finish all my 100 and 200 SOM classes, visit Tofino, have a fun, lighthearted fling, become the owner of a new car, volunteer for something i believe in, see Casey, keep blogging, memorize one full song on the guitar, kayak, fall in love with Vancouver, decorate my own apartment, touch Dawson City again, perform for the fun of it, sleep in a tent with someone who makes me laugh, be at Joelle's wedding, make another piece of Konkin Art and get good at meditating.

And above all...get me a job i love!

As for a website, i send you all www.blogger.com and hope to see your ponderings in cyberspace where i can be that much closer to you.

Happy Birthday to ME, Happy Birthday to ME, Happy Birthday dear Krista, Happy Birthday to MEEEEEEEEE!

Lindy Hop and the Lap Tops

2004-06-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

I've got Kyle's laptop now so i can blog to my heart's content...IN BED!!!

Still no job. Looked at the bank account and am thinking i can make it til the end of the month here, but if no job by then...goodbye Vancouver and hello Moose Jaw.

Last night i went to my first swing dance. It was quite overwhelming. What i did like is that there was a packed room of sober people my age, since they don't serve alcohol at these things. I also loved the music, the big band, the sheer cardiovascular work out. I hated that i pretty much had to sit there by myself the whole night when i wasn't on the dance floor, because Kyle and Eileen and Eric were pretty much off doing their own thing. That was a first in life. A big dance by myself. No friends to gab with, no for sure date to dance with. VULNERABLE!! I figure it was good for me. I did, in fact, meet a cute boy...although i am sure i will never see him again. All in all, i will repeat the experience perhaps, but was happy to go home to bed at the end of the night.

I turn 28 years old in 2 days. I have to admit --- i wish i was bringing in this new year of my life somewhere else. I will blog on Tuesday...set some goals and share my feelings on what it feels like to be approaching 30. SHeesH!

Have my 2nd interview tomorrow with a placement agency. Gotta spend some time today sharpening up my Excel skills.

...and the excitment just keeps coming and coming.

Through the Mist and Fog Come Clarity

2004-06-11T17:08:00.000-07:00

Ok, i think i am done having my temper tantrum.

I am going to start attempting to focus on the stuff that is working in my life, instead on that which doesn't seem to be working at all.

Like the walk i took last night.

I believe i have made a new friend. Now, i have been pondering the definition of friend alot these days and have had a hard time coming up with anything definitive. Perhaps a friend is someone with whom you can be yourself and who will offer up their time to support your growth. If that is true, then i do believe a friend has been born. Anyway, we went for a walk last night along the infamous Vancouver Seawall. It was raining and cold and yet it didn't occur to us that that should stop us. We walked and walked and slowly i remembered. I remembered why this place has been in my dreams for over a year. I remembered why i choose peace and tranquillity over anger and panic. It was dark and the mist so thick i could see nothing more than the tiny pinpricks of light on the mountains of West Van. But the ocean was there and life was good. Thank you Eric and thank you Universe that brought me there.

Conversations at Catus Club:
1. What defines cheating?
2. Can one be compassionate AND believe there are no victims?
3. If you agree that death is not a negative experience, then why try to save the world from destroying itself?
5. Why do we either cling to labels or outwardly reject them?

Yes, i have found fellow 'deep talkers' and they are brilliant and unique. It has been a good week. I release my anxiety and harken to a piece of sage advice from the Brian book of Wisdom..."Don't worry...it will all work out in the end...or it won't."

So...tomorrow night i lindy-hop, soon i will be employed and before i know it Vancouver will start feeling like home instead of some silly joke i am playing on everybody.

Or it won't.

Either way, pass the kethup.

Can't See the Forest for the Trees

2004-06-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

Wow.

This sucks kinda hard.

I know that everything that i am experiencing (or not experiencing - like employment -haha) is happening exactly as it should, in perfect, right time. I know that i am safe and taken care of ultimately by the universe and there is nothing to fear.

I know it, but sitting here, right now, i don't feel it.

80 Resumes and 1 interview. I have started job hunting again in other cities...thing is...i don't know if it will be any easier anywhere else. I dream of gettting the phone call telling me i have recieved the Artist in Residence. But - all in all - the phone is staying strangely silent. I am staying strong. I fight against my compulsion to take a nap constantly.

I have begun to yearn for the past. Parkdale, friends within blocks, Aidan planting flowers in the back yard, my Firefly all blue and shiny, a clearer definition and support when it got foggy. I 'know' better than to cling to something that no longer exsists and is, in the end, an illusion. The past. I romanticize it and easily forget the times that i sat in front of a computer in Toronto, just like today, lost and afraid.

So, what happens now?

Another suitcase, another hall??

Organically Unemployed with Marijuiana Seasoning

2004-06-04T17:28:00.000-07:00

So.

Here i am.

In Vancouver.

And so far it is seeming alot like Toronto...just with mountains in the distance and pot in the air. My instinct is to run, screaming. Have i made a mistake thinking moving here would fill the void? Is this really supposed to be my new found home? Is there something about me that is inherently unemployable? Or is the feeling of struggle just a sure sign that this, again, is not the path i am meant to trod? Isn't it just supposed to feel 'right' when you finally land in the place you belong? Or is that just a bunch of phooey?

The decision felt right, but being here....hmmmm...not so much.

My runners are filled with sand. The beach was lovely. I even made a new friend there...a woman my age with her baby. She gave me a ride home when i mentioned that i got to the beach by bus. She was a kind of angel, i think. Blessings to Rhonda and Tristan.

I am SICK OF SPENDING SO MUCH TIME BY MYSELF. I am deeply afraid that employment is not going to come fast enough.

It's not easy being blue.

They say that blue is natural when you first move to a new place.

Affirm. Rinse. Repeat.

ALL IS WELL. ALL I NEED IS COMING TO ME RIGHT NOW. HAPPINESS IS MINE.

At least strawberries are cheap here.

Whatever Tomorrow Brings...I'll Be There

2004-05-30T21:07:00.000-07:00

Just sat down at the piano and remembered my lost song about Jamie. Then i burst into tears. I am thinking the tears are for a few reasons...a)relief....relief that perhaps all those songs that i thought i lost in Gregory's car are, thank god, somewhere stored in my memory...b)playing music that speaks truth is possibly one of the most immediate ways i have of connecting with Spirit, Universe, Essence, God, whatever that greater force is called...and when i feel awash with that presence i am overwhelmed...c)i am about to move to the the province that took Jamie's life and still holds the life of the only surviving Burnette brother. I know that i will be pulled to find Casey, to find closure, to finally and truly accept that both Jamie and Brady are gone. That, too, is overwhelming. Plus, i am sorta saying goodbye to my mom, again, for the millionth time. And i worry about her. And, yes, i worry about me, too.

Packing tonight, i was forced to pack up all Aidan's things. The only object that stopped me and left me staring were the roller skates. I looked at those skates and could smell their brand new, fresh-from-the-box smell. I miss him. I miss him more than he knows. I don't miss the relationship, i miss him. If that makes any sense. I wish sometimes i could press pause on the whole (apparantly necessary) mess of breaking up and we could just put our skates on and hold hands and skate around in a summer's dark. Not needing anything from each other, not blaming anyone, not trying to change the situation...just skating.

But change is the only constant and tomorrow i arrive.

I also sat two rows behind Dean's family at the Roughrider game this afternoon. It comforted me. It feels like my past and my future surround me like a warm, fleece,blanket...and in the middle is this little blonde hurricane trying to stay in the Now.

With open arms and open eyes...

Leaping and Trusting the Net

2004-05-29T23:05:00.000-07:00

There is something to be said for cultivating a belief that says ... doing what is true for me means hurting another. Why does this seem (and i choose the word 'seem' consciously) to be true? Will i ever be able to embrace without guilt another belief that says...i love you AND i am not responsible for your reaction? What would this world be like if choosing what was best for you only created happiness for those who loved you? It is proving quite challanging to dispute my ego voice that lectures me, shaking its head and tsk, tsk-ing. "You are a self-centered little girl, Miss Konkin. It is always about you. You are cold and callous and you will reap your just reward." Interesting that i now steep myself in a philosophy that is trying to remind the world that IT IS actually and only about you. It only can ever be about you, because without loving yourself and wanting the best for yourself, you will fail in doing so for others. So, perhaps i have been right all along...now i just need to keep it up -- minus the guilt. Ah, the guilt.

Two more nights in my brass bed before i sleep in a brand new bed and step into a brand new chapter. I am in a place of FEAR...Feeling Excited And Ready, that is.

Hmmmmmm...i am listening to Shawn Colvin sing I Don't Know Why...and i am connected. "...but if there were no music, i don't know how i'd get through...' AMEN.

Love is pink pajama pants. Happiness is a book you can't put down. Pride is watching the Flames win tongiht 3-0. Truth is that i am going to know bliss beyond anything i have ever imagined. Gratitude is a choice.

Well, then, thank you. 'Tis good, and very good.

Going North Up Sherbourne is born...just as i move to Vancouver

2004-05-28T23:12:00.000-07:00

Wellllll...i have created it and i will assume they will now come. Of course, i will have to figure out exactly how i set this up to be hosted and put on my 'computer literate' face while i figure out how to use blog.com. But it will figure itself out. That is my mantra these days. And it will. This i am coming to know as Truth.

Why did i title these musings Going North Up Sherbourne? It was fall of 2003 and i was taking my first Science of Mind class at the Centre for Conscious Living in Toronto and i was asking RevB what one can do when one is watching people they love self-destruct. She answered with a question - very RevB - and simply asked me...who are you to say that they are self-destructing? And, even if they are, how can you be so sure that they aren't going through exactly what they need to be going through in right and perfect time? AND why are you so concerned with saving someone else when you most likely have eons of work to do saving yourself? She then, with a giggle, used an image of me running after someone who has declared they want to see Lake Ontario and then promptly started going north up Sherbourne. "BUT THE LAKE IS THAT WAY!", i yell, pointing south. Little do i know that for them the lake is north to Bloor, west 'til Spadina, south (with a little stop at Queen's Quey) and, finally, the shores of the very same lake. It stayed with me, that class. I stopped worrying about my 'lost friends' and started looking at all the ways that i seem to need to go North Up Sherbourne.

I suppose my desire is to create a place to 'blog' so that i can share my findings with you.

I am moving to Vancouer in 3 days...

...but i think i'll keep the title.