Whatever Tomorrow Brings...I'll Be There

Just sat down at the piano and remembered my lost song about Jamie. Then i burst into tears. I am thinking the tears are for a few reasons...a)relief....relief that perhaps all those songs that i thought i lost in Gregory's car are, thank god, somewhere stored in my memory...b)playing music that speaks truth is possibly one of the most immediate ways i have of connecting with Spirit, Universe, Essence, God, whatever that greater force is called...and when i feel awash with that presence i am overwhelmed...c)i am about to move to the the province that took Jamie's life and still holds the life of the only surviving Burnette brother. I know that i will be pulled to find Casey, to find closure, to finally and truly accept that both Jamie and Brady are gone. That, too, is overwhelming. Plus, i am sorta saying goodbye to my mom, again, for the millionth time. And i worry about her. And, yes, i worry about me, too.

Packing tonight, i was forced to pack up all Aidan's things. The only object that stopped me and left me staring were the roller skates. I looked at those skates and could smell their brand new, fresh-from-the-box smell. I miss him. I miss him more than he knows. I don't miss the relationship, i miss him. If that makes any sense. I wish sometimes i could press pause on the whole (apparantly necessary) mess of breaking up and we could just put our skates on and hold hands and skate around in a summer's dark. Not needing anything from each other, not blaming anyone, not trying to change the situation...just skating.

But change is the only constant and tomorrow i arrive.

I also sat two rows behind Dean's family at the Roughrider game this afternoon. It comforted me. It feels like my past and my future surround me like a warm, fleece,blanket...and in the middle is this little blonde hurricane trying to stay in the Now.

With open arms and open eyes...