The End of I Don't Know

It has been suggested that I try to remove the statement 'I don't know' from my vocabulary.
 
Now, this is asking a lot in a life like I have right now when there are constant inqueries about stuff that I seriously don't have clear answers to...but the argument is that, on some level, I DO know...that the more honest answers are 'Don't bug me, I don't want to think about it' or ' Still exploring. I will let you know what I find'. I am intrigued and am willing to grasp onto any tiny thing that might ease this ache in my soul and nausea in my stomach.
 
Went to the hospital to visit Mike again today only to find that he had been discharged.  The biopsy results yesterday showed his tumor to be a extragonadal nonseminoma germ cell cancer. In other words, rare but treatable.  He starts chemotherapy on Monday.  I have total faith that he is going to kick this thing in the ass.  I just hope that now that he isn't held captive in a hospital I will still get a chance to see him. 
 
This has been a shitty week.
 
I hit a wall so hard yesterday that today I called a counselor.  She got me in right away and I am going back tomorrow. I need help to figure out my next steps. I am becoming paralyzed with fear, emotionally exhausted and ashamed at how long it is taking me to establish this new life.  I like her.  I am glad that I am going.
 
Speaking of going...Jennie has told me that she will supply me with a flight home if I want it.  I may just do it.  I may just go home.  I may just chalk this up to bad timing.  We will see.
 
Dancing was fun tonight. I closed my eyes and allowed the hot night, the cool ocean breeze and the music to be my medication. It worked, the wounds feel less raw...
 
"I'm climbing uphill, Daddy, climbing uphill..."