Be Careful What You Ask For...You Might Just Get It

I just woke up from the most incredible sleep. I realize that i haven't slept soundly...or at least i haven't slept that hard for a long time. I dreamnt of a woman named Ruby Berger. I don't know a Ruby Berger. Hmmmmm...I woke up feeling slightly changed. Odd, but good...

So, here is where i am at...

I am now thinking that perhaps i should go back to school. It is obvious that i can't compete in the non-theatre working world without more education and especially if i want to make money doing something that brings me any sort of satisfaction. Thing is...i intended to spend this year paying off my debts, not getting myself further into debt. The thought of immersing myself back into something that would inspire me is exciting...the thought of building back up my student loans to 30K again is not.

If i was to study i am thinking about massage therapy. There is work for RMTs and i have always had an affinity. I would love the work atmosphere and it would tie in perfectly with my SOM classes and my ultimate goal of helping to empower those around me.

Then i think about Princess Cruises calling me this month to go work on a cruise for 6 months to a year and i wonder if that wouldn't make more sense right now. Just keep away from all the expenses and do things that allow me to bank the money. I am wildly aware these days of how little i have keeping me here...keeping me anywhere.

Moments of panic still engulf me and then i am convinced that i must just go home - now - and stop this insanity.

Cynthia, my older cousin, has also just emailed me and is making it sound like she might be able to create work for me - part-time at first - working within her Real Estate world. Could it be family that will ultimately pull through for Krista??

I am swirling in a sea of possibilities and choices and confusion and potential...and i am doing it alone. Not alone, but alone. This is what i told Aidan i wanted and this is what i am getting...ten fold. I love the thought that i am probably in the middle of creating my own wave, as i like to say, but DANM i never thought this birthing process was gonna be so painful!

It is also interesting to note how much i want to find a boy...a fun, dating experience... but why??...to distract me?...or to cling to?...or to stroke my ego?...

It is also interesting that i have lived here 5 weeks and still haven't purchased any groceries...

...and i wonder why i am hungry...