The Unanswerable Question

Why me??

That is what Mike is asking himself right now. Mike has been diagnosed with cancer, the tumour is the size of a grapefruit and the biopsy is still with the pathologists.

Five days ago he was just a guy walking the down the street with a bit of a cough.

Tonight he is lying in a hospital bed scared as hell. And i am witnessing the fear of a man and a family i don't really know. I am, once again, on the periphery...not entirely unwelcome, but not quite belonging. My life has suddenly been made to seem very small in comparison with what is happenning inside that hospital room and yet i am not entirely positive that i should even be there. The problem is i care. I hurt for him, i fear for him, i long to heal him. It doesn't really matter to me that i barely know him - for god's sake i don't even really know if i would like him - right now, i am overwhelmed with love for this person.

It saddens me also that he is a complete and utter atheist and cynic. As far as he is concerned when his body gives out on him that will be the end, period. I respect his beliefs and even understand their validity...but i want so badly to hold him and instill him with hope that a)we have the power to defy what doctors and medicine and science say and b)this journey in our bodies will end but something neverending is occurring and we are all apart of it. I suppose i also want to tell him that there is nothing to fear - like a good Course in Miracles student...but that one is not possible presently as i am feeling too much fear myself to convince anyone else of that fact.

I am so sick of being the one in the room that everyone looks at and thinks 'who's she?'. I am angry at those i thought were my friends and yet not quite familiar yet with those i have only started to call friends. I long for Aidan ...if only just to know that he is healthy and alive. He can hate me, as long as he is healthy and safe. I feel like i am buzzing with a million different emotions. I don't cry at all when i am in the hospital room and can't stop crying when i exit it.

This is not what i thought my summer 2004 would look like...

I was hoping for more of a "beer commercial" angle...

Micheal, as a stranger and friend, i love you...would it were strong enough to allow you to awaken from this nightmare, you would dream gently, always.