In the Words Of JenBen

The following is an email sent to me by a woman who has gone from being a best friend to a true inspiration. In her own time of pain and struggle, she found the love and strength to comfort me and my minor irritations. She also left me feeling unconditionally loved, understood and, by the merit of sharing her own lessons, spiritually enlightened. May each and every one of you be blessed in your lifetime to be handed a Jennie Grado....

Krista J,

I feel your corporate pain. I know the trials of being in a job you're not passionate about, that slowly tears at the fibre of your being. You can do whatever you want - be thankful that you are blessed with the intelligence, heart, and soul necessary to be able to either make it through the time you may spend at La Casa or decide to leave knowing it's best for you. Whatever you do will be the right thing. Money and responsibility are powerful things - they can make you feel free, in charge, but they can also bind you to something that may slowly drain you. Do what you need to do to still be joyful you. If that means a hotel, and more time off then do it. If it means leaving then do it. You have my love, support, and admiration either way.

And if you want to tell them all to kiss your ass and just throw a big f'ing temper tantrum...do that too. heehee. When in Rome...

I did something very weird yesterday. I went out to Caron, Saskatchewan - where I spent years of my life with the Keeraks. Rachelle's boyfriend lives out there, and they had been asking me for weeks to come and see his new home. I'd often asked where he lived in relation to the Keeraks' old place, but he didn't know exactly. Turns out he lives right next door. NEXT DOOR. It was wild to see their place again, haven't been there in almost ten years. TEN YEARS. Fuck.

So then I sat down and thought about why I had been brought there now of all times. Jason was the only other break-up I knew that rocked the foundation of my world, and of course what I am going through now is several orders of magnitude more painful. The answer was easy. I am different. And I am reacting so differently. Then, I ran to a million other men - asked them to make it better - even men that were detached and violent and abusive. It consequently took me years to heal. And now? I don't know. I don't know what will make me feel better...but I'm sure that I'll be concious of it, non-anesthetized by infatuation like I would have been in the past. In these moments of realizing very big changes, I am still in incredible pain...but I am thankful for where I am and who I am. My lessons have been hard to learn, but very worth it. It's been a very big weekend for me.

I also came across a little book of quotes called a Thousand Paths to love by David Baird. You would love it. I found several that have completely touched me - thought I might share them with you.

"everything will be okay in the end. if it is not okay, it is not the end."

"Love itself will provide the strength to bear the loss of love."

"Absence sharpens love. Presence strengthens it. "

Many more to come I'm sure. It's a charming little book - I'm sure we'll spend hours reading it together in the future, or at least that's my daydream of today.
Can't wait to see you - whenever that may be.
Love you and miss you,
Jenben