The Arguement at the Cat's Meow

Why does everyone seem so traumatized by my lack of interest in being on stage these days?

I have been confronted with this several times since taking my professional 'hiatus' from the world of music theatre and i am deeply intrigued as to why the people in my life find it horrifying to watch me sit in an office and work for a corporation instead of auditioning for every show i can get my hands on and stare at my cell phone all day willing my agent to call? I mean, i am happy. I am a more balanced, happy, well-adjusted, loving human since leaving theatre. I don't put all the blame on theatre, i take responsibility and know that it has simply been my reaction to the theatre world that broke my heart. But, still, when i am involved in the theatre world i am consumed more often than not by jealousy, fear, anger, inadequacies and pettiness. Until i can heal why that is, or how i can not be sucked into those traps, i will stick to my little office job. It isn't the solution, i have no passion for this job, but it gives me some security at a searching time in my life.

And corporations aren't the devil. They aren't always the most ethical groupings of people, but i must remind myself...it is all love. IT IS ALL LOVE. Not just things artistic...

I may not have as clear a focus when it comes to 'my passion', but i do know that i am still a passionate woman. I want to live my life dedicated to learning about unconditional love - for myself and for this beautifully imperfect perfect world. I want to help people heal their self-loathing and judgemental anger in the only way i believe it can be done ---- by healing my own. I want to tell stories that inspire and council lost souls and connect to this universe through song and dance and write these ponderings so that everyone can know that it is good and very good.

Shakti Gawain was saying that her goal is to embrace it all as perfect. Even the less spiritual moments, even the judgemental temper tantrums, even the moments of despondant lonliness. I agree with her....and so, i hope to heal my disillusionment with the theatre industry and become spiritually strong enough that, if i do it again, i do it for the love of myself and others.

I must also remember that if my hiatus triggers people, it means they themselves may have something that is screaming to be recognized.

On a positive note, i have been watching some of my requests of the universe manifest before my eyes...money, an apartment, a secure job in the city...very interesting to see which ones i embrace and which prove to be things i didn't actually want after all.

Brent digs his way into my heart, Aidan moves to Vancouver and the summer officially says goodbye.

Better get mom to mail me my scarf.