An Uncommon Amount of Guts

So my ex hates me.

I suppose that is what ex's are 'supposed' to do. Hate. Be angry. Or be cold and polite all the while dishing you underhanded insults. Mine generally told me that he didn't want me sucking him into my negative void. I wanted to argue, but i assumed that screaming I AM HAPPY GOD DAMMIT at the top of my lungs may not fare well in my favour or prove my point so i am going to just walk away. This is the hardest thing that has happenned to me in weeks. It really hurts and i don't get it at all, but there it is. He even sent me this quote yesterday:

"There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, 'Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams.' Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there. These are great dreams, but they never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, 'How good or how bad am I?' That's where courage comes in." ~Erma Louise Bombeck~

I interpreted it as his way of telling me that i am steeped in fear and unable to be true to myself. Funny how i look at myself these days and see the exact opposite. Ah, well.

I shall date my new home for awhile. I had my new bed delivered yesterday and visions of sugar plums dance in my head. I slowly turn away from those in my life that don't treat me well and embrace all that which makes me feel gooooood. This goes that same for my house furnishings.

...and it is quite the metaphor because before i decorate i must clean. CLEAN like a madwoman. That place is a mess. As was my life. But the decorating has started slowly and it is my now focus.

I know that the ex's attempt was to insinuate that i am not brave in many ways, but i declare that i, in fact, have an uncommon amount of guts. I have braved the face of so much NEW in 2004 and have done it virtually alone. I am proving that i can ride my own wave and, even on the scary days, i sense my waterwings are being traded in for a dingy.

Soon, a sailboat, then a yaught and perhaps one day....

an ocean liner - and me - the captain.