WWLD?

I remember hanging out with Kirk and his Christian friends and they would wear these necklaces and braclets with WWJD initials on them. The initials of course stood for "What Would Jesus Do?". I took that sentiment today and gave it a metaphysical twist and asked "What Would Love Do?" Let me explain...

I have been talking about leaping this week, taking chances and saying things out loud that i haven't, til now, had the guts. One example was an email i sent Sara-Jeanne. I knew better than to try and schedule any sort of meeting with her as she doesn't even pick up her phone or return her calls, let alone make effort to hang out. So, i emailed her a letter that just said...i no longer know what more i can do to be part of your life...you have all but disappeared...i love you...i miss you...i hope some day we will regain our closeness...til then...take care. I tried to be firm on the fact that i am no longer open to allowing this kind of treatment to continue while staying loving and gentle.

This morning i got an email back that made me angry -----really raging angry ----for the first time in a looooooong time. SJ had responded by saying that she is disappointed that i emailed her this stuff (from a woman who takes 2 months to return one call), that she is hurt that i am saying this stuff after she took me into her home and let me stay in her bed for 2 weeks (this was right before i took over the apartment from her) and that she knows she has been busy, but she believes she has been a supportive, good friend. Then she ended with some strange comment about hoping how my corporate job wasn't sucking the passion from me (??!) and left it at that.

My head spun for about 3 hours this morning. I had amazing comebacks for every single point, a list of ways in which she has been a horrible friend this past year, how many things i have done for her, how she benefitted greatly from me moving in, how everyone i know is angry at her for her treatment of them....man, i was full of anger. FULL. Then i thought...whoa. Krista. Whoa. You need to step back and look at this. What would love do?

My answers were this. Forgive. Be grateful for the things that she has done for you. Stand firm on what kind of treatment you will allow in your life and let her go gently. Do not respond with defense. Do not choose to be 'right'...choose to be kind - to yourself and her. Agree to disagree. Breathe. Write her a letter that you don't intend to send. Breathe again.

And create. Connect to that unconditionally loving presence in the universe by creating.

So at lunch i went and put together an amazing outfit in a store, shoes and all. Not to buy, just to busy my brain doing something creative.

Then i came back from lunch and decorated the tree at the office. At first i resisted it and wanted to punch people in the face that kept coming into the lobby and saying 'ooooooo...fun....christmas.....' while i was bent over backwards decorating. But as i went into the creative zone and the tree came to life my anger disolved.

The tree looks great. Everyone is impressed. I am still a bit deflated about what these emails mean for the future of me and SJ. But i am back to centre. I see that how she feels is none of my business and i must not let any of it take away this amazing sense of peace that i feel. I will always love her, but not even she has the right to be abusive and neglectful.

This may not be the last time in the next bit that i am presented with people's reactions that will ultimately hurt. I am saying out loud stuff that will make me vulnerable --- but hurting means living and is unfortunately what happens when everyone starts being honest.

Last night, i decided i needed a christmas-y door hanging and so i went out to the park and played in the dark, collecting bits of wet and piney nature. At home i intertwined it all with pieces of scrap ribbon and a few pretty holiday things that jen left behind. It is stunning. I am a creative machine...

Move over Martha Stewart....
Krista J is in the house.