Conflict

I can do one of three things:

Show up.

Run.

Show up kinda while making sure the entire time that one foot is firmly planted outside of the proverbial door.

The latter feels familiar, the middle - tempting and the top one...well, it is Who I Want To Be.

I know you assume i am talking about a guy - and i am - but i am also talking about so many different areas of my life.

For the last while i have very much been on top of my demanding Ego voice. I was observing it, thanking it for doing what it thought was necessary and then usually choosing to walk away from its advice. But now my Ego voice has grabbed me by the shoulders and is shaking me and screaming. And i...i am inside of it - the fear, this voice, drowning.

What keeps me above water? The isolated moments that Now overtakes me and i am intensely aware of his whistle, the buzz of the kitchen outside his door, the braveness in his eyes that stare at me and say - i am not going anywhere. If and when i can 'lose' myself i am gloriously happy and all is well. Then the voice says...'ok, krista. enough'. And my hand is on his chest and i am pushing him away and i am trapped and drowning...

Exhausting.

I am now consumed with wanting to know where this comes from. This is just a dense version of the liquid form that has trickled through so many of my choices, especially concerning men.

Wanna know something else interesting? This kind of panic/fear/stress makes me want to eat.

Holy, Konkin, one word. Therapy. LOL.

I send you: calm Chinese guys on commuter buses, carrots for cravings, cider - hot and applely, catch-up naps, community, copious amounts of chick-peas, chamomile tea on the couch, cats named jack and especially ...clarity.

Just opened up a book and the first sentence i saw was..."stop treating everything like an emergency"...

hmmm. i think i've been told.