Corporate Clothing and the Continuation

Is it normal to feel like bearing the children of a man you have yet to kiss?
Or is that just called 'rushing it'?

LOL.

This morning i decided to finally partake in the Casual Friday phenomenon. I picked out a great sweater and pulled on a funky pair of jeans and drove to pick up Ryan for work. He took one look at me and asked me if i had not gotten the email last week about how jeans are no longer allowed at 20/20. I obviously had not, but it was too late. I arrived at work, full of embarassment and apology and was sent home to change. Yes, that is right, i was sent home to change. Thing is i found it all really funny. Not irritated in the least.

Wonder why i am in such a good mood?

Could it be that i see Mr. Lewin tonight? That he has sent me the most delicious emails all
week - sweet and smart and funny and very honest? Could it be the anticipation of finding out if last weekend was a perfect dream or my actual life? Could it be?

Change of subject...another C word...councellor.

I am seeing her again starting tonight. People keep asking me - why do you need to see a councellor, you're so happy, it's sickening! But people sometimes don't see (C?)...perhaps that is WHY i am so happy, because i understand that happiness is a choice and healing is an action. I also need to point out that i, too, still deal with all the issues that have grown up with me - the absence of a father, abandonment, abnormal need for attention, hyper-critical tendencies, control, jealousy, fear...

For example, i have a belief, small and insidious, that says - Krista hurts good men.

Which is now rearing its ugly head, sensing, of course, that i have just met the best of the best. I can feel the creeping desire to self-destruct this-which-feels-good and protect him (and me) before i do something horrible.

See, there is always healing to do be done. And so off to the councellor i go. HAHAAH, i just thought of something...her name is Cindy. How perfect.

And i will try to not self-destruct, by simply turning away from the poisonous thoughts and focusing on the ways i have and do bring joy to the men in my life. By focusing on the Now and getting to know, slowly and gently, the miracle of this new connection.

I send you: Classic movies like Casablanca, Colorado anything, casual fridays that work, crackling fires, credit line increases, confidence that you are, in fact, on the right path...

...even if it IS north up Sherbourne.