In the Words Of JenBen

The following is an email sent to me by a woman who has gone from being a best friend to a true inspiration. In her own time of pain and struggle, she found the love and strength to comfort me and my minor irritations. She also left me feeling unconditionally loved, understood and, by the merit of sharing her own lessons, spiritually enlightened. May each and every one of you be blessed in your lifetime to be handed a Jennie Grado....

Krista J,

I feel your corporate pain. I know the trials of being in a job you're not passionate about, that slowly tears at the fibre of your being. You can do whatever you want - be thankful that you are blessed with the intelligence, heart, and soul necessary to be able to either make it through the time you may spend at La Casa or decide to leave knowing it's best for you. Whatever you do will be the right thing. Money and responsibility are powerful things - they can make you feel free, in charge, but they can also bind you to something that may slowly drain you. Do what you need to do to still be joyful you. If that means a hotel, and more time off then do it. If it means leaving then do it. You have my love, support, and admiration either way.

And if you want to tell them all to kiss your ass and just throw a big f'ing temper tantrum...do that too. heehee. When in Rome...

I did something very weird yesterday. I went out to Caron, Saskatchewan - where I spent years of my life with the Keeraks. Rachelle's boyfriend lives out there, and they had been asking me for weeks to come and see his new home. I'd often asked where he lived in relation to the Keeraks' old place, but he didn't know exactly. Turns out he lives right next door. NEXT DOOR. It was wild to see their place again, haven't been there in almost ten years. TEN YEARS. Fuck.

So then I sat down and thought about why I had been brought there now of all times. Jason was the only other break-up I knew that rocked the foundation of my world, and of course what I am going through now is several orders of magnitude more painful. The answer was easy. I am different. And I am reacting so differently. Then, I ran to a million other men - asked them to make it better - even men that were detached and violent and abusive. It consequently took me years to heal. And now? I don't know. I don't know what will make me feel better...but I'm sure that I'll be concious of it, non-anesthetized by infatuation like I would have been in the past. In these moments of realizing very big changes, I am still in incredible pain...but I am thankful for where I am and who I am. My lessons have been hard to learn, but very worth it. It's been a very big weekend for me.

I also came across a little book of quotes called a Thousand Paths to love by David Baird. You would love it. I found several that have completely touched me - thought I might share them with you.

"everything will be okay in the end. if it is not okay, it is not the end."

"Love itself will provide the strength to bear the loss of love."

"Absence sharpens love. Presence strengthens it. "

Many more to come I'm sure. It's a charming little book - I'm sure we'll spend hours reading it together in the future, or at least that's my daydream of today.
Can't wait to see you - whenever that may be.
Love you and miss you,
Jenben

Jimmy Eats World

Life just keeps rolling along...

Got my hair done, traded the Ford Focus for a Mercedes Benz, purchased new earrings, had a phone conversation with someone i don't know, walked in the rain, watched Olympics, did some in-office flirting, ate at Whitespot, sopped up my leaky RV, listened to RevB's voice, tanned, paid off a liquor licence, received an email from an old crush, failed at sleeping in, bought some elevator music, visited my local library, filled up the jerry cans, comforted jennie, put together a jelly bean puzzle, started a new book, missed the musician, tried msn-ing the ex, changed my desktop theme, ignored my cell phone, toyed with driving to Vancouver, saw my niece out of the blue, had a first interview for job touring Thailand for the winter, wondered about Mike, put on the heater, replaced a temp, discovered i may be moved into a hotel.

For a day off...not bad...

Wanna see me as of late? Wanna see photos that i have taken? All this fun and more at:
www.kevinj.ca
Make sure you visit the sub-albulm with tequila in the title!!!

cha cha cha

Brent David Johnson

This is a name that is becoming notable in my life.

On the floor of the house that Brent David just happenned to be staying at because he just happenned to not be able to move into his apartment at the 'right' time and where i just happenned to be visiting was a book that just happenned to be sitting in front of me and for no apparant reason picked up, flipped open to a random page and just happenned to start reading.

This is what i read on the page i turned to:

Practice daily to strengthen your inner light.

See conflict without resenting it or wanting to change it.

Look at the conflict in front of you straight in the eye. Don't be a doomat! Stand firm without being reactive.

Know that it doesn't matter if people love you in that moment, you love them. It doesn't matter if people understand you, you understand them. And if they do not forgive you, you forgive them.

Be patient under trial. As long as you are not judgmental or resentful, you will be able to disagree without being disagreeable.

If you have something to say, say it. Don't be upset or react, just say it.

If you have something to do, do it. Don't be upset or react, just do it with presence.

Don't be overly excited by praise or offended by criticism. And don't be too quick to give praise or criticism.

Always follow your intuition.

Practice doubting your doubts when they arise.

Do not fall into the trap of competition and comparison.

Stay in your body in moments of adversity.

Let go and have faith in the power of the universe. It is always there for you, all you ever need to do is let go and let it in.

Thank you, Brent David, not only for putting me in the path of these words, but for becoming a name that, when spoken, opens my heart just a little bit more.

Namaste.

The Corporate Craziness at La Casa

This past week has been a blur.

I have been in the middle of office drama and i am not used to office drama. I am used to theatre drama, but not the office-type...it generally looks the same just with more desks and money.

My manager has been fired. I have watched someone lower than me, be promoted over my head and am too tired to care. No one knows what they are being paid, the front sales room feels like a bad day at The Brick as the REAs (sales people) dive at each client walking in like they are starving dogs and i still have 12 bosses all who tell me that all the other bosses are idiots and not to listen to anyone but them.

Now the challange becomes to stay positive and connected to the Truth which is that there is only Love.

This is not a common practise in the corporate world.

Two nights ago i decided to stick up for myself and write a mass email to head office that basically said unless certain things change i will have to leave. I expected from them a shrug and a wave goodbye, but instead they all leapt to the forefront and for the first time in 3 weeks made some major changes. I can not lie, this made me feel important and needed and a little bit powerful. I will not abuse that power, but La Casa and 20/20 Properties needs me and so i stay here at Kelowna.

The question is: how do i feel about how involved i am getting in such a non-artistic career path? Do i continue to pursue it after i leave La Casa? Could Real Estate be my vehicle down the path to my bigger dream? Could it be a means to an end that i could utilize in a positive way and not allow to eat me alive? Is it really in me to be involved in an industry that is so incredibly focused on money?

Or will i leave here at the end of September and watch this crazy experience fade off into the sunset --- becoming nothing more than a story to tell?

Vent

I was just starting to like this job.

Well, ok, like is a strong word, but i was just starting to feel competent, capable, needed and somewhat serene about the whole thing and then BOOM...in comes another storm and i am back in the water without the water wings....

...and YES i am treading water, but the tide is comin' in fast...

They are firing my manager. Or at least they say they are. All of my 15 bosses say alot of things and then do nothing. Either way the situation stinks. Either Susan leaves and i take on 40x the work load doing stuff that is totally out of my comfort zone or Susan stays and i babysit her workload and her volatile emotional temper tantrums. Everyone yells at each other, insults each other behind closed doors, gives me a brand new job description every 15 minutes via email, sends me out to do sales and then critiques what i am doing (like i should even have a clue in the first place) and are all as stressed out and unhappy as i am. Thing is i am not unhappy. I am not an unhappy person. I am not a stressed out corporate bitch-about-everything-and-do-it-all-to-make-money kind of gal. SO WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??

I could quit. Tonight i want to quit. Too bad that my cousin got me the job and i feel obliged to 'prove myself' in this stupid job and not let her down. So quitting isn't that easy.

I could not let any of it affect me. I could work my 16 hours a day, doing everyone else's job and collect my measly paycheck every 2 weeks and 'chalk it up to experience'...i could even sorta suck at my job and not give a shit...

I could complain to head office. But i am thinking that that would be as effective as shooting a dozen bullets into an already decaying carcass...plus, i have no boss to complain to...

I could blog my way into depression.

I could write a play about it.

I could wake up 3 days from now and actually find that some of the multi-millionaire owners actaully did something other than golf and come to work to find the chaos under control and the work environment positive and fulfilling.

I could go down to the lake and dangle my feet in the water and just have a good solid cry. I could ask the universe to help me out on this one and then steal away into that inner place that reminds me that this isn't my 'last chance' and that no one ever said this had to work out 'or else'...

Ease, joy, grace. That is all i want...

Please. Pretty please.

With cherries on top??

I'll See Ya When I See Ya

So.
Hm.

I think i am being challanged to live in the moment. I think the universe is testing me to find out if i can be in something undefined, uncontrolled and that makes me totally vulnerable.

Can i connect with a human being, but when i leave the room allow them total freedom from my expectation, my labels, my box? Can a man give me that freedom? Can two people be happy without any sense of security - only the faith that in the moment they can make each other smile and smile and smile...

Can i wake up and leave someone i care about, who has just shared a very intimate time with me and simply say...I'll see ya when i see ya? And if they said that to me, would i, COULD I still feel wonderful about the time we spent?

I say yes.

I usual seek out labels. I don't know if that is true anymore. I nown seek my freedom more than i seek security. I hunger to find my wave and am wary of climbing aboard a new one...I think i can do this....this in the moment thing. I think it could be exactly what my life calls for right now.

La Casa on the Lake continues to be an adventure. I work many hours, get paid a bit, dangle my feet in the lake, read lots and take long, hot showers in the community facilities. It is an odd way to live, but i am kinda loving it.

Mom arrives tomorrow for a week visit. Should make it even busier here...i love my mom. Yeah, life is good.

And very good.

The Power of Intention

Just finished watching Wayne Dyer speak on his new book...The Power Of Intention...and just like his message, finding him on the TV this evening was no less than a beautfiul synchronicity with the universe. I have hungered for a message for the last couple of days that i am not finding in my current books or the speakers that i go to by default. Being out here, in the middle of nowhere, i had started looking to nature...being an obvious resource. This worked, and yet i knew there was more...

Then tonight i went to have a shower in the public facilities here on site. I stopped by the TV room on my way in and without understanding why i did it, i quickly reached over to the remote and flicked on the wide screen. There, speaking to thousands of people, was Wayne Dyer and i knew instantly he was going to say the things i was needing to hear. So i sat. And i listened. And i am renewed.

Last night, after speaking to Jennie and attempting to console her in the wake of what may be her divorce, i asked a question of her and of me and of It All...what would life be like if we weren't allowed to be mean to ourselves? What would my mental atmosphere look like if i simply didn't allow myself to ever say anything less than loving to myself? I don't know if even my closest loved ones have any clue just how cruel i can be to myself. And i believe that i am not unique in this...in fact, i am sure of it.

So, as i walked home, with the lights across the lake shining and that warm summer interior BC wind sweeping my face, i made a statement. No more. I am going to police my mean self and stop being tolerant of the cruelty. I am going to stop the rudeness in its tracks and i am going to stick up for myself. I intend from this day forward to cherish me no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT.

That includes thoughts i have about my body, my ex's, my financial status, my undefined present day purpose....

I am perfect, whole and complete and worthy of treating myself like a queen...

From here on in, i am kicking my own inner-critic's ass.

In The Words of Kuroda Saburo

I am completely different
Though i am wearing the same tie as yesterday
am as poor as yesterday
as good for nothing as yesterday
today
I am completely different
Though i am wearing the same clothes
am as drunk as yesterday
living as clumsily as yesterday, nevertheless,
today
I am completely different.

Ah-
I patiently close my eyes
on all the grins and smirks
on all the twisted smiles and horse laughs
and glimpse then, inside me,
one beautiful butterfly
fluttering towards tomorrow

The Notebook

I just watched The Notebook and I am in a very serious mood. The movie has me wondering...

Have I ever been truly loved...like that...has the love that the men in my life have felt for me been true? I know that when things were working, they loved me. I know that when they were certain of my reciprocation, they loved me. I know that when they were sure that they had me, they loved me. But is it not true that the moment that love has been tested by the BIG things...I have been quickly forgotten and loved no more? Could I ever really meet a man who would love me whether or not I loved him back, after years of separation, despite anything, against all odds? Is this why I leave in the patterned way that I do? Am I testing them...am I searching for the one who will be stronger than any apparent obstacle? Who will love me because he has no choice but to love me? Or perhaps am I in the middle of this exact love story and just haven't experienced the ending yet?

Sigh.

I know that I am furthering the love story with myself. Today me took me on a glorious day-long date. We ate ripe mango for breakfast and swam in the clearest water, lay on the sand, meditated on a rock, read poetry in a bookstore, tried on summer dresses, took us out for a huge meal and ended the day with the most romantic movie we have seen in ages. I am renewed.

Can my love for myself stand the test of time...against all odds? Now, there is the an even better thing to spend my time pondering...