If I Was Boss

If i was boss everyone would have a blog.

My friend Caitlin in Toronto has been very suddenly shoved upon a cruise ship in the Bahamas to play piano and is having all these crazy adventures and you wanna know why i know this:

Because she has a blog....www.livejournal.com/users/vestra

And i get to still, in a way, spend time reading the thoughts and feelings of my secret and humilating crush even though i no longer allow myself to be in his life and you know why????

Because he has a blog...www......woops! SECRET crush. Almost forgot.

I beg of the world....blog. People care what you have to say...what your life looks like...your inner thoughts and musings...

At least i do.

As i walked across the street last night, looking at the Eclipse, i was almost run over by a car. Then i had this thought: what if i was hit right then and in the moment i died, i was astrol-projected out of my body and watched the bloody scene thinking 'oh, crap. now all my friends and family are going to be devestated. they are going to cry and moan that this death was untimely and miss me lots and lots. they will even wonder where it is i 'went' after my death. wish there was a way to let them know that it is ALL GOOD on the other side. that i love them. that there are no accidents. that my life, no matter the length, has been incredible, perfect, exemplary and that I (what was really the Me that they connected with) can not die. how do i tell them now? how?' This was seriously the thought that i had. And so. And so. I will blog it for the world in the off chance that anyone reads this after my physical life has ended:

I am ok. I am not far. I am safe. So are you. You always were. I love you. I always have.

As for this Halloween weekend...

I think i might just stick a painted black shoe box on my back and go as a fridge magnet.

Maybe i'll even shave my legs.

Boo

It is almost Halloween and i haven't a clue what to be.

It has to be something solo, that is really easy to put together/find/make/buy and applicable to dancing like a mad woman all night long. I am comin' up with nothin'. That's not like me. Could this be the first Halloween that i just don't bother dressing up? At all? Not once?

That's no fun.

For the women of the world who need to be kinder to themselves:
BOOK SUGGESTION: The Comfort Queen's Guide to Life by Jennifer Louden
WEBSITE SUGGESTION:www.planetsark.com (new, improved and oh so cool)

PROMOTING MY FRIENDS: New and Improved www.autoviolet.com
Brand New!!!!!!!!!!! www.iansherwood.com

Ways that i have been comforting myself lately:
1. I purchased my first overpriced MAC lipstick/gloss thingy.
2. Cramming time for library-time-with-Krista so i can be surrounded by the beautiful humming energy of --- sigh --- books.
3. Buying Kettle Corn from Kernels as dessert to my Taco Time lunch.
4. Candle-lit steamy baths after meditation class.
5. Painting my toenails while watching unrealistic TV shows like Summerland.
6. Booking a movie date with myself. This Friday. 9pm. No boys needed.
7. Allowing myself to receive a cuddle from anyone who is open to it.
8. Turning away completely from the edgy, stressed energy of any of the edgy, stressed bosses that i might have throwing me into chaotic projects.
9. Shutting my eyes and singing really loud at the Centre, on Wednesday, in the shower.
10. Sleeping naked with lots of pillows to bury my head beneath.

5 Sleeps 'Til Jennie and The Car.

Odd observations today out of nowhere: missing Brent David, the feeling my job is about to get an injection of drama, needing more sleep and a better alarm clock................................

Trick or Treat?

I choose treat.

I'll give the tricks to you.

Shanti!Shanti!Shanti!

I just stumbled across the coolest website....www.worldprayers.org

Here is a quick summary and example of what the website is all about:

"I believe in the fundamental truth of all great religions of the world. I believe that they are all God-given and I believe that they were necessary for the people to whom these religions were revealed. And I believe that if only we could all of us read the scriptures of the different faiths from the standpoints of the followers of these faiths, we should find that they were at bottom all one and were all helpful to one another."
--mahatma gandhi

So, i have booked my ticket home. I will be flying outta here on the 22nd and coming back on the 2nd. I am excited to go home. With Rochelle and Jennie and Lanita and i all together again - and with Cory back in my life, i feel like it'll be this young, fun, blast-from-the-past sorta holiday and i can't wait. Perhaps i am having an almost-thirty mid-life type crisis. Heck, i sat and listened to the new Greenday albulm at Virgin records on Saturday afternoon and enjoyed it. Something's gotta be up.

My visit with Derick is turning out to be pretty much non-existant. He is spending most of his time with his guy friends and i am all for it. I just can't give him the kind of fun he is in search of...i spend my time lindyhopping, drinking tea, singing in choir, having intense talks, studying mystic philosophies and working at a real estate investment firm. He is needing booze, strippers, poker and all-nighters. It was good to see him briefly, but i don't wanna cramp his vacation.

I have changed alot in the last 3 years. A L O T. This became very apparant this weekend hanging out with D. I am proud of how far i have come.

Jennie arrives in one exact week. This is a big WOOHOO. Until then i am starting a meditation class tonight, dancing up a storm and wondering what i should do for the Halloween weekend. I don't think i will be doing much of anything. Which is sad.

Cold in the office this afternoon. Vancity is freezing cold these days. Hands like icicles. Brrrrrrr.

Suppose i have really entered my first Vancouver winter. People say that it can make the most cheery people blue. I dunno. So far, i am perfectly content. Needing to purchase more sweaters, yes, but content none the less.

Contentment doesn't make for very interesting blogs does it? Hmmmm. Better drudge up some drama soon.

I will see what i can do.

Keepin' My Stick on the Ice

Life is just so cool. Cool and strange and awe inspiring.

Due to my recent corespondance with Cory A. from high school, i recieved an email from 2 names that have not passed my lips in years. Old friends, high school friends and, in one case, an elementary school friend. Out of the blue (but by no accident) these wonderful souls appearred in my inbox.

Tonight, an ex and kindred spirit who i have not seen in 3 years will lay his head on my pillow.

Last night, i walked the seawall again with my buddy Eric and was reminded of how incredibly far i have come since that last walk in the rain in June. It was like i was watching myself and barely recognizing the girl in front of me.

I made plans to see Aidan again. For coffee. For a beautiful goodbye, as he put it. This is a step towards the peace i desire in regards to that man.

MOVIE SUGGESTION: "What the Bleep do We Know?" Playing in independent-y theatres in major centres. RevC described it as the Metaphysical answer to Mel Gibson's Passion movie.

BOOK SUGGESTION: Cool To Be Kind ... A written documentary of 4 (very good looking) Canadian College boys' trek across Canada doing random acts of kindness. Just 'cause they noticed that the world come use some love...

Two things that make me frown: my dwindling eyesight. If i am to get a BC driver's licence then i have to take an vision test and i am not sure i would pass it. That is noooooo good. AND i think i may have a cavity. Ug. ug and ug.

Read something last night about how creating a life is more about waiting and watching than it is about doing anything. When you are on the path that i am on, you no longer try to muscle your way into having a life. Instead you utilize faith and breathe while your authentic roads paves its way for you. I also read that ANXIETY is ok...normal and expected...especially when your leaping off cliffs and trusting the net will appear.

My net appearred. To all you reading this, i send you as many nets as you venture to leap.

Post Script: Did i mention my boss looks like Lucy Lui?

I say that makes me Drew Barrymore.

Anyone wanna be my Cameron?

Slap My Ass and Call Me Sally Sauce

Someone has officially asked me to lend them money.

Let me repeat.

Someone has officially asked ME, Krista J. Konkin, to lend them money.

This is a big day in the 'healing-the-money-issues' journey.

Feels like jumping off a cliff to take an action that will solidify that not only do i have enough money for my own needs, but that i have that and MORE.

Plus, mom is going to give me her car. Or sell me her car. Either way, when Jennie arrives on the 1st she will be arriving in a 1993 Nissan Altima. Goodbye to sitting on latenight buses beside smelly drunk characters. Krista's getting a car and she couldn't be happier about it.

Ok, well actually i could. Mom is a little more stressed about buying a new car then i would like. It makes me feel guilty and responsible and i don't want her unhappy. But she made the decision and i will just have to trust that when she is sitting behind the wheel of her brand new Accord or Corolla or Jetta or PT Cruiser that her negativity will melt into sheer joy.

Jennie was saying that her therapist made this point: sometimes overly optimistic people can be downright rude. Well, i wouldn't want to be rude - loving my life so ridiculously as i do - so here is a thought.

I have a crush that i can't shake and the guy is sooooo not worthy of my time or attention. He does not treat me especially well nor is he remotely interested in - well - anything outside of himself. We no longer speak, hang out, email or chat. It is for the best. But deep under my cool facade is this truth...i want him to like me. i want him to want me. i want to kiss this man. i want him to be affected by that kiss.

Annoying to feel this way. Embarassing. Silly. Unrealistic. Harmful. Waste of my time.

I don't even really have any great theories as to how to best manage this crush. All i can do is keep away from the guy as to protect myself from his lack of respect for me and keep crushing silently, secretly. I would like release. I suppose i could tell him how i felt, get the rejection i know would follow and perhaps feel alot more closure about it.

Or i could just blog about it and hope that it all goes away.

My little snag in the rainbow that is my life. My weekend shall be filled with sleeping and decorating and lounging and brunching and prepping for 3 full weeks of visitors....

oh, and lending someone money.

Bank Of Konkin. Baby, how far i've come.

When The Ouch is Bigger Than You

This was my response to a friend who is in so much pain that she is not sure which end is up...

Release it all. Sit on the toliet seat with the water running and cry til you think you might break. You won't. Keep asking yourself...what do i need right now? The answers aren't meant to become action plans, but gentle dialogue with yourself. And every kind of answer is acceptable. Keep asking the question. Your answers might start with "i need this to all go away"..."i need for none of this to be happenning"...but soon those answers could change to..."i need to know that it is all going to be ok"..."i need to know that i am loved, that he knows i love him". When you know what you are needing, only then can you release those NEEDS and discover all that already IS.
Write unsent letters. Make a thank you list to the relationship and all that is has given you up until this point. Email me. Go sit out in those gorgeous trees you have. Perhaps their beauty and simplicity will remind you that every single thing is perfect, even the pain...and that nothing need be painful, but for our choosing it. If you choose pain, dive in, baby. Wail, beat the walls, scream into a pillow.
The universes offers you nothing that you are not ready and strong enough to go through.
Also, you are not trapped. At any time you can change you mind, rewind all your decisions and do whatever you want. Keep focused on what you want your life to look like and keep on painting.
I will love your art no matter what it looks like. I always have. I always will.
Welcome to Wednesday.

Feels strange to have all these friends in all this pain when life is just going so well for me. It isn't a passive feeling where i desire no growth or change or learning, but i would be a fool not to recognize that my life looks exactly as i asked the universe for it to look. I will soon, very soon, tire of this reception role. It is perturbing for my largest priorities to be fedex-ing, buying cream and sugar and getting people to sign birthday cards. Still, i am being paid pretty darn well and i don't work very hard. And there are moments when i well up with tears at the thought of how long it might take for me to meet another soul mate. Yet, 90% of my time i am floating with the anticipation that only being 28, gorgeous and single brings. I am happy. Really really happy.

Oh, and i think i am getting a car. God, mothers are good things.

Letter To Cory

You asked me what i thought intimacy was all about. Well, here is my take:

Intimacy is truth. It is shedding the masks and being what you truly are with someone, warts and all. It is, in turn, seeing the other person...really seeing them. Intimacy is a level of communication that happens, often without words, that is loud and clear. The person doesn't idolize you, or love you for your potential...they somehow see you, in that present moment, with your fear and sweat and joy and shame and in their eyes you are beautiful. You are perfect in your non-perfection. You could have hours and hours and hours of sex with someone and never once, not for a second, be intimate.

But here is the catch. Ya gotta know intimacy with yourself before you will know it with someone else. You gotta be able to spend quiet, truthful times with yourself and get to a place where you can really see yourself, warts and all, and find yourself and your life magnificent. If you think that the voices that lecture you for being a failure or too fat or not enough or a pathetic joke...if you think only you know about those voices ... you are wrong. If that is what you believe about yourself, you will bathe everyone around you in that energy. Then...you will not know intimacy and you will attract people into your life that will prove those voices correct.

"My life sucks." BOOM...your life will suck.

"She is going to eventually leave and break my heart." BOOM...she is packing her bags and breaking your heart.

"I will never heal from this pain." BOOM...six months later and you are still sufferring.

You create your reality. Chose that you want your life to rock and then decide that it already does rock.

See?

When you avoid intimacy, you are avoiding yourself....not the other person.

Mantra to live by: see my august entry entitled "Brent David Johnson".


Or let us use your own words from a marketing angle:

INTIMACY: Hang Out With Your Wang Out

...coming soon to a theatre near you.

Droppings

For days now i have been thinking a thought and wishing i could 'blog' it...

So right now i am going to try and randomly jot down some of the thoughts i have had - in a mishmash fashion (hey, that's hard to say). Here goes...

Grumpy cycles...it is like allowing yourself to eat that first bite of something overthetop scrumptious and horrible for you...if you allow for that initial indulgence you could be screwed. Same with negativity. I got myself into a 'bad' mood on Monday night and Tuesday morning i slept through my alarm and a had a ridiculously bad day at work. Each thing i attempted just kept adding to my bad day...because i was going into it with a big chip on my shoulder. I broke the bad mood today. I just said - no more. Gave my head a shake and the universe is easing up suddenly. We create our own hells.

Dad - i dreamnt about him. Hard core dream. I never dream about my father and am left wondering what it could mean. What do i do with it? I didn't have any extreme residual feelings about the dream, but it did throw me for a loop. Daddy is lurking in my subconscious. Like i should be surprised.

I HATE THE BUS - this was during my grumpy cycle that i said this statement about 100 times in 48 hours. I miss the mercedes. Not because it is a Benz, but because it was my freedom. Standing in the rain late at night, time sucked up transferring from bus to bus, my lack of IKEA access...all of it. Even without my grump on, i am convinced. I need to purchase a car. I have talked to my mom and to the universe. A car. Got the job, the apartment, the social life, the noon time chiropractor, the funky hobbies...now i need a car.

Let me know if you know anyone selling a good second hand Vee-hickle (as mom would say).

Visitors Galore - i have 4 strangers staying at my place this weekend for the Vancouver Lindy Exchange. The weekend is going to be about dancing, dancing and dancing mixed with very little sleep. I am not sure if i am excited or revolted. I will let you know. THEN Derick comes for a week. This will we be wonderful and wierd. Being an ex who i haven't seen in 3 years will make for wierdness, being "D" and KJ spending time catching up, having fun will be wonderful. THEN Jennie will here --- with the furniture --- for potentially a week or two. CONCLUSION...lonliness will not be a factor for little old me. In fact, after such isolation, i may explode from over stimulation.

Clearing Up Something Someone Said - i have no boy issues. Really. I miss Aidan. But we are talking little by little and i bless him and am at peace with whatever part of him i can know. Brent and i have dissapated due to ... well due to alot of factors. But no hard feelings on my part. In fact, i am happily single with lots of great guy friends, a couple date-worthy fellows and an rich cyber life. It is good for now. I am open to a love of my life walking in the door, but am not searching or anxious. I am just going with the flow. I feel beautiful. Men smell good. The end.

Scary Thought for the Day: A Bunch of Corporate Types Playing Pictionary in the Boardroom.

Makes a grown woman shiver.