An Uncommon Amount of Guts

So my ex hates me.

I suppose that is what ex's are 'supposed' to do. Hate. Be angry. Or be cold and polite all the while dishing you underhanded insults. Mine generally told me that he didn't want me sucking him into my negative void. I wanted to argue, but i assumed that screaming I AM HAPPY GOD DAMMIT at the top of my lungs may not fare well in my favour or prove my point so i am going to just walk away. This is the hardest thing that has happenned to me in weeks. It really hurts and i don't get it at all, but there it is. He even sent me this quote yesterday:

"There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, 'Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams.' Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there. These are great dreams, but they never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, 'How good or how bad am I?' That's where courage comes in." ~Erma Louise Bombeck~

I interpreted it as his way of telling me that i am steeped in fear and unable to be true to myself. Funny how i look at myself these days and see the exact opposite. Ah, well.

I shall date my new home for awhile. I had my new bed delivered yesterday and visions of sugar plums dance in my head. I slowly turn away from those in my life that don't treat me well and embrace all that which makes me feel gooooood. This goes that same for my house furnishings.

...and it is quite the metaphor because before i decorate i must clean. CLEAN like a madwoman. That place is a mess. As was my life. But the decorating has started slowly and it is my now focus.

I know that the ex's attempt was to insinuate that i am not brave in many ways, but i declare that i, in fact, have an uncommon amount of guts. I have braved the face of so much NEW in 2004 and have done it virtually alone. I am proving that i can ride my own wave and, even on the scary days, i sense my waterwings are being traded in for a dingy.

Soon, a sailboat, then a yaught and perhaps one day....

an ocean liner - and me - the captain.

Kick Ass Partner & A Suck Ass Ex

The word for the day is : condoms

God almighty. I babysat overnight for Cynthia last night. The girls were great, really, but OHMYGOD...how do working mother's do it? It was exhausting. There are so many things to keep on top of, not including yourself, and by the end of the day NO DOUBT you wouldn't want to have sex or care about your looks or ANYTHING. I mean, i didn't kill them...we broke a blender, i dyed one of the girls blue, i got us lost on the way to daycare and i look like HELL today, but we are all alive. Still. Just not a life i want. I like waking up and getting ready leisurly and showering by myself and feeding only myself (which i already don't do well). I love being childless. I love it. Confirmed.

Brent said he would call this weekend. He did not.
Spent time with Lori from Saskatoon. Very cool.
Met a delicious man on Saturday night. He was gay.
Attended the Centre again since returning. It rocked.
Tried to connect with Aidan in a positive, friendly way. Didn't work.
Watched a good friend in a very depressing musical. Good times.
Saw Ian Sherwood after many months. He's lovely.
Watched what will soon be my apartment empty out. Excited and scared.
Dyed a child blue. A first.

I yam what i yam. This is gonna be an expensive week. Rent. Buying a bed. A bed? Hell, a bed and about 60 other things. Whatever. Bring it on, i say. Gotta go eat lunch now. Hungry.

And you know what they say about hungry corporate people.

Fall 2004 Contact Info

So, ya wanna get ahold of me?

Try this stuff:

Mailing Address:
206-404 E 8th Ave
Vancouver, BC V5T1S5

Phone Number:
604-518-7154

Email:
kjkonkin@hotmail.com

Website:
www.geocities.com/kristajkonkin

Work Address:
Krista J. Konkin
c/o 2020 Properties
700-650 W Georgia St
Vancouver, BC V6B 4N8

Work Phone Number:
604-630-5020

Work Email:
krista.konkin@2020properties.com

There. I am now get-ahold-able. This gives everyone absolutley no excuses to neglect my sorry ass. LOL...

My tan is fading and my cell phone ring tone sounds like bad porn music.
Ah, those kids in Boznia no nothing of pain...

Our Deepest Fear

Things do not enter my life by accident or coincidence. This i am sure of. Especially if they keep entering my life, again and again. I first read this following quote when i read the book A Return To Love which is based on A Course in Miracles. Then, while working for Monica earlier this year, i noticed that she had this quote muralled onto her bedroom wall in gold gilt paint. Then, yesterday, Jennie emails me a quote that she has just read and that she is sure that i should hear. No mistakes. I am trying to let the words sink in as i am convinced that they are angels, these words, in their own way, guiding me.
Here is the quote:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinkingso that other people won't feel insecure around you.We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

a return to love - marianne williamson
quoted aslo by Nelson Mandela after his release from prision as he addressed the world in total acceptance and forgivness.

I wrote in my journal the other night that i feel like i have retired for a spell from the wild, exciting rides at the fair to the tame and traditional ferris wheel. I am sitting in my creaky seat, going around in slow, predictable circles and am feeling a sense of relief. Safety. Breath. I can see such miraculous views from the top and don't feel at all envious of the whirling lights and thrilled screams coming from the crazier, more popular rides. I have done those rides and, although i enjoyed them at the time, i also have the distinct memories of how sick they often made me. I am enjoying my ferris wheel. It isn't forever. I have not forgotten that i am brilliant, gorgeous, fabulous and talented. I know that i am not really a ferris wheel type girl and that soon i will grow restless to spread my wings once again.

But for now i rest. Up and over and up again.

Those In-Between Times

I wanna blog. I think of blogging. I have blogging type things to say...

But my hands are tied. My new reception position at 20/20 doesn't give me alot of blogging time and i will not officially have a home of my own until Oct. 1st. Even then, i won't have a computer at the house. I am back in civilization and far far away from my cyberworld - a complete switch from La Casa. It is good in some ways as it pushes me to go and actually MEET with the very people i would be tempted to just talk to online. But really i miss my beautiful La Casa widescreen laptop. It was my best friend. And now we are seperated....sigh.

My life is shaping up to be pretty much what i was envisioning...a one bedroom, funky apartment and a cool, well-paying, stable job and dating and socializing and SOM classes and paying off my debts...i still sometimes feel pretty lonely...wish i could have a best buddy that i didn't need to schedule to see...but Vancouver this week has been great. Wonderful. I was silly to have been so worried.

Emailed Aidan in hopes he would contact me and want to meet up. He has not. I miss him. I wonder. But i must respect his choices. Being an ex is heartbreaking.

Saw Brent play onstage....live...www.autoviolet.com....he was great...they were great...sara-jeanne and i were so funny watching them...so out of place at this rock bar...but it was good to see him again - pause or no pause.

I have my new address but i will type that out when i get my new cell phone so that i can give my contact info as a complete package. Looks like Jennie may be sending her half of the furnishings from NC to Vancouver - and she may have to come and meet them at the border which means seeing the woman i love. Sigh. If only i was attracted to her - i would have found my life mate. Anyway, i am excited to redecorate and take over the apartment. Good ol' roots.

My official title at head office is Office Administrator. John doesn't seem to remember that i have the Benz (or the Merk - as i call it now) and so i will hang onto each additional precious day i have with this beautiful vehicle. I hold out hope that i will be transferred eventually to Centro and work under my cousin in a more creative, challanging role...but 'til then...

I take my lindy classes, attend the Centre once more and do alot of catching up in funky Tea Houses.

The blogging slows and all is well...

Joining the Pity Party

Should one panic when they realize they don't have any real friends?

No one cares that i am coming back to the city. Why does this surprise me? Before i came out here to La Casa i was going to move away from Vancouver due to how lonely and friendless i felt. Nothing has changed in that regard while i have played out the summer in my RV. I am going back to a place of a million acquaintances and not one person whose life will be made better by my return.

What a shitty feeling.

I hope i like the new job...that way i can perhaps become a workaholic.

Is this the fate of a woman almost 30? Do kindred spirits...i am talkin' close, attached at the hip friendships....start to become exstinct when you get older? Is it normal that in order to have a companion who holds your presence as a priority in their life - you gotta be having sex with them? How can someone like me, who pours so much effort into sustaining my relationships, find not one door opened eagerly to my return? I know i am not a victim here...so i wonder...where have i gone wrong? What do i learn from this?

At least up here on the windy mountain i had an excuse for being alone.

Sigh. Packing up the Mercedes with my worldly belongings and wondering how i will get beds and tables and couches into the apartment when i trade this Benz for a Bus Pass. God, am i making a mistake? I am going on my third day of doubt...i don't want to stay, i don't want to go, i don't want to only be sure of what i don't want...

Lord love a duck.

When Coming Home Means Vancouver

I guess that is telling. I am coming home is now known as 'as of Monday night i will be living once again in Vancouver'. So, Vancouver is home. And yet, Saskatchewan is still home and Toronto holds my adult history and Dawson City, my heart. I suppose home is that place of peace that tells me that i don't need an address to be defined. And address-less i am.

I pushed to be let off the site and i got what i wanted. They are making me receptionist at head office while i wait for Centro to be launched. Then, i am told, i will be pulled off reception and given a position with the project team headed up by my cousin. Truth be told i am not thrilled about being a receptionist, but i appreciate the consistant income. I just wish i had more trust that i won't get 'stuck' answering their phones. We will see. The third act is coming to a close. This chapter is ending. Brent and i are 'pausing' which may mean that we also write THE END at the conclusion of this chapter. I am open. The adventure continues.

New chapter? Looks like i will be taking over Ms. Sara-Jeanne's apartment as i wait for Jennie to move to Vancouver in the spring 2005. THEN Jen and i or mom and i may look at investing in a condo...see what happens when you hang out with real estate people?! I will continue with the intention of paying off my student loan by the new year and 'taking a break' from theatre with my little office job and secure income. Embracing the questions, i will make new friends, date a little and hope to heal my wounds with Aidan. Perhaps i will even buy my Echo soon...ahhhh, the way one can dream with an actual income...

I will blog my new contact info once i have purchased a cell phone and attained my new mailing address.

This i am sure of...

My time on the windy mountain will never be forgotten.

Wisdom on the Shelf of Chapters

I walk into Chapters yesterday and, there on a shelf, are these words written by Rainer Maria Rilke:

"i beg you...to have patience with everything
unresolved in your heart and try to love the
questions themselves as if they were locked
rooms or books written in a very foreign
language. don't search for the answers,
which could not be given you now, because
you would not be able to live them. and the
point is, to live everything. live the questions
now. perhaps then, someday far in the future,
you will gradually, without even noticing it, live
your way into the answer..."

It sorta took my breath away, this passage. It was like something placed these words specifically in my path. Embrace the questions themselves. When i am ready for the answers they will come. No rush. No panic. Lovely. Truly Lovely.

I believe strongly if you, too, are reading these words now, they were meant to speak to you. I give you them and welcome you onto this journey of Not Knowing.

Get ready to, as a highschool friend of mine had stenciled on the side of his car,
Get in, sit down, shut up...
and hang on....

Money, Alcohol and A Whole Lotta Lovin'

How do i even begin to explain my weekend?

I partied this weekend with a whole new crowd of people. The thing about these people that make them so different from my usual crowd is pretty much one thing :

Money.

I have never seen money so easily spent in all my life. I lived, for a weekend, in a world where you order exactly what you want from a menu, you have valets park your car, you pay taxi drivers to drive you to a couple of different convenience stores in the middle of the night so that you can purchase a disposable camera, you rent hotel rooms in 5 star hotels so you can pass out, you demand ridiculous things in the wee small hours of the morning from the concierge and they eagerly comply, you pick up tabs that are bigger than my monthly income and, at the end of the adventure, you haven't even spent enough to remotely faze you.

It is a world of financial flow...these people make it as fast as they spend it...they have no fear around money...for them it is merely a tool to create challange and excitment and to share with all your friends. I was both appalled and intrigued, shocked and in awe of this attitude and energy around money. There was never the ill treatment of anybody - there was not alot of bragging - it was actually quite healthy. It was extremely educational for me and quite a bit of fun. I am thinking it is good for me to hang out with these people. I am thinking no one is put on your path by mistake.

I am thinking that due to my corporate bonding i may be leaving La Casa soon and put on another project. I am thinking that i am going to continue on this real estate path for awhile.

I think alot.

Which brings me to Brent David. I think i think too much for some men. Living in the now has been fun, but i am not made to be a non-chalant lover. I can be a laid back flirt, date, friend, etc, etc...but not a lover. So...we back up and i learn a little bit more about myself. Life is good.

Summer is gone. Autumn descends, crisp, biting, new. The city people leave and i am left alone with the lake and the wind. I feel changed with the seasons. I wear a sweater and roll my pants down.

The butterfly becomes restless for her release.

The Arguement at the Cat's Meow

Why does everyone seem so traumatized by my lack of interest in being on stage these days?

I have been confronted with this several times since taking my professional 'hiatus' from the world of music theatre and i am deeply intrigued as to why the people in my life find it horrifying to watch me sit in an office and work for a corporation instead of auditioning for every show i can get my hands on and stare at my cell phone all day willing my agent to call? I mean, i am happy. I am a more balanced, happy, well-adjusted, loving human since leaving theatre. I don't put all the blame on theatre, i take responsibility and know that it has simply been my reaction to the theatre world that broke my heart. But, still, when i am involved in the theatre world i am consumed more often than not by jealousy, fear, anger, inadequacies and pettiness. Until i can heal why that is, or how i can not be sucked into those traps, i will stick to my little office job. It isn't the solution, i have no passion for this job, but it gives me some security at a searching time in my life.

And corporations aren't the devil. They aren't always the most ethical groupings of people, but i must remind myself...it is all love. IT IS ALL LOVE. Not just things artistic...

I may not have as clear a focus when it comes to 'my passion', but i do know that i am still a passionate woman. I want to live my life dedicated to learning about unconditional love - for myself and for this beautifully imperfect perfect world. I want to help people heal their self-loathing and judgemental anger in the only way i believe it can be done ---- by healing my own. I want to tell stories that inspire and council lost souls and connect to this universe through song and dance and write these ponderings so that everyone can know that it is good and very good.

Shakti Gawain was saying that her goal is to embrace it all as perfect. Even the less spiritual moments, even the judgemental temper tantrums, even the moments of despondant lonliness. I agree with her....and so, i hope to heal my disillusionment with the theatre industry and become spiritually strong enough that, if i do it again, i do it for the love of myself and others.

I must also remember that if my hiatus triggers people, it means they themselves may have something that is screaming to be recognized.

On a positive note, i have been watching some of my requests of the universe manifest before my eyes...money, an apartment, a secure job in the city...very interesting to see which ones i embrace and which prove to be things i didn't actually want after all.

Brent digs his way into my heart, Aidan moves to Vancouver and the summer officially says goodbye.

Better get mom to mail me my scarf.