Nowhere Fast

The job fell through...in a manner of speaking.
I am also aquiring a habit of attaining crushes on men ridiculously younger than me who couldn't be less interested.
Don't know where the money will come from now...wow...am i lost...i can honestly say that i have never ever been this totally messed up in all areas of my life.

Heard this song tonight...by the same band that gave me my summer theme song Drive. Read the lyrics and bitterly laughed out loud...i leave you with it...

Will I ever get to where it is that I am going?
Will I ever follow through with what I, what I had planned?
I guess it's possible that I have been a bit distracted
and the directions for me are a lot less in demand.
Will I ever get to where I'm going?
If I do, will I know when I'm there?
If the wind blew me in the right direction (yea) would I even care?
I would.
I take a look around; it's evident the scene has changed.
And there are times when I feel improved upon the past.
Then there are times when I can't seem to understand at all
and yes it seems as though I'm going nowhere...
really fucking fast
Will I ever get to where I'm going?
If I do, will I know when I'm there?
If the wind blew me in the right direction (yea) would I even care?
I would. I would. I would.

"Space"

Sometimes even those we love the most need space. Sometimes that is an afternoon of space and sometimes it is 12 years of space.

I am notorious for being a woman who will come to a point of needing space in a relationship. But i have also been the one who has been on the waiting end of a cherished someone's space-taking. This afternoon that wait came to an end - and it only took 12 years.

His name is Carmen J. Price and he was one of my truest friends in high school. He was also the best friend of a boyfriend of mine at the time. When the boyfriend and i broke up, so did Carmen and i...much to my dismay. But never did i stop loving and missing this man. He can hate me, i thought, but one day we will be friends again...and i waited. And i waited. And then today i went to a free jazz concert in downtown Vancouver.

On my way out the door i heard his voice. "Krista J. Konkin??" it said. And i knew it was him. I turned and looked and there he was. Older and wiser, but still so much the same, he smiled at me and i felt my breath catch. I threw myself into his arms and believed once again in patience. In faith. In lifelong friendships. He was glad to see me. He was lovely. He was like coming home in a world of 'brand new'.

It was like finding Derick again in January after our two year silence...i sat at my piano after that and a song wrote itself...the first lyrics were...'welcome home, piece of my past, song in back of my heart, good to see you again...'. Tonight i sat in room of brand new friends. They were funny and interesting and novel. But it isn't the same...we don't have a history...not yet...

So i thank the Universe in its perfection for the old friends, the new friends, the kindred spirits and the companions. Balance is a beautiful thing.

And as for space...

If someone you love needs it...give it with your blessing. They were never your possession and loving them was always a gift - with or without their reciprocation. Have faith and keep your arms open for their return. Move on with your life, hold them close somewhere in the back of your heart and have faith. Emerson said it best...

"If you want a friend, be a friend."

And so it is, Ralph, and so it is.

Employed At Last

I have been hired.

Phew.

I start Monday and to tell the truth, i am petrified.

Afraid to not work, afraid to work...WASSSSSSUP???

Wish i knew...i will tell you if i figure it out.

Until then...let us begin...our new series...LIVING THE NORMAL LIFE...

Tune in next time. This could get interesting.

My New Boyfriend Vancouver

The phone rang on Monday night with a job offer in Jasper.

I suddenly was struck with a metaphor. It is like i moved here to date Vancouver. While i am having a fun time, i have been making sure that it is clear that i am free to date others...that at any moment, if our 'thing' gets hard, i can up and leave. Then i get a tempting offer from another suitor and am faced with coming to terms with my true feelings. Do i go to Japser or do i admit that i am falling for Vancouver and commit even though i run the risk of it getting hard (perhaps hard enough that it could fail)? Do i choose monogomy? Do i choose love?

The job in Jasper wasn't right for me anyway.

Yes...we are now an exclusive item -- I am staying in Vancouver --- if i leave, i will have to be dragged out kicking and screaming. I like it here. It makes me laugh, it is opening so many new doors, it is a super attractive city. And a part of me wonders if being here is the closest i have had to finding 'the one' -- the place i belong.

I have a second interview today. As a real, normal, boring job looms close i am thrust into the reality that once i get the real, normal, boring job i will have to go to it everyday. I must use the glorious paycheck to motivate me...i want to pay off my debts pretty much more than i want most anything else at this juncture.

I also am enjoying the men in this city. Typing on my computer like this makes me feel like Carrie Bradshaw...a lower income version of sex in the city. Now if only i could get paid to type on this computer - then we would really be cooking.

Question to the Universe: Where are the marriages that work?? Why are so many of my married friends - the vast majority - unhappy? Is it a question of a world of people who can't figure out how to love themselves trying to love someone else? Is it a mass consciousness??

Just heard Jack Johnson's latest CD. Hello. Sexy. Experience it if you can.

And i will be careful what i pray for...

Deep Cove Convictions

If you licked me right now i would taste like sea salt.

Or ocean salt. Or something like that. Just got home from losing my kayaking virginity. That, after a full day yesterday at the nude beach, has me feeling oddly sensual and spent. Summer. God, i love it.

I can't help but hope against hope that tomorrow that phone will ring with a job offer...because i am falling in love with this place.

Although i have felt strange lately about my neutral palate when it comes to the world of men. I am meeting great guys and have every desire to get to know them, to befriend them and maybe, in a rare and special event, to have sex with them...but...i have no desire to find an exclusive, monogomous boyfriend or get involved at any deep, give-my-heart-away level. Neutral. With Aidan, i miss him and i love him, but i also don't want to be inside a 'we'...which keeps me neutral. My wondering is if this is a cold and unloving place in which to find myself or merely a holding pattern that exsists because it needs to and will cease when timing dictates?

Been thinking about Alain Therrien lately...an old high school friend that i haven't seen in over 15 years...i remember someone saying he lived in Whistler...i seem to want to play the role of 'Ghost of Things Past' these days.

Side Notes:
Harry Potter Part III = better than the second.
Robert Altman's The Company was to be a sure fire hit with me. I hated it. Go figure.

Generally, i am feeling loved...am feeling safe...

Except when i spend time being really quiet...then i can hear it...a duller sound than before, but there it is none the less...it is fear...and i would be a liar to say that i have beaten that dragon yet...

But it is all about what you CHOOSE to focus on. So, tonight i choose a chocolate truffle and some 40's jazz while folding my laundry...

Shoo, shoo...shoo, shoo baby...

Coach to the Coaches

If anyone can tell me how to tell the difference between the ego voice and the essence voice, i would really appreciate it. They tell you to follow your inner-voice, but they fail to mention that there is more than one that speaks and all of them quite articulate. The only clue i have found is that the essence voice never seems to speak in any sort of panic. It is always quite calm and funny and loving.

ANYWAY...

My birthday was fantastic...thank you Seth, SJ, Matt, Mike and my most magnificent mom. Walked the suspension bridge, drank a chai latte, recieved flowers, took in a movie, chatted over Greek, worked on my tan. Then the next day i A) had an appointment with a career councellor where, somehow, i ended up councelling HER and B) went to a promotions interview where i found out that i would have to promote CIGARETTES and walked out half way through. Just stood up and walked out. Money can never mean that much. Still...i do need a job and one of the voices was saying....WHO ARE YOU TO BE PICKY?? Then the other said..."you know who you are. leave." And so i did.

Yesterday i had a brilliant job interview. Thank God.

I also watched Miracle and seeing Casey shook me up...as i knew it would. Question to the world:

Something tells me to find him and see him. Not that i would know what to say. But i ignored my instinct with Jamie and looked what happenned. Now it is too late and i will never see him. Thing is...if seeing Casey just ends up being hurtful to him in some way have I really done a good thing or a selfish thing? Last thing i would want to do was cause more hurt in any way, shape or form...still i am haunted by this...

Haunted by a man i have never met and his brothers who i didn't love quite enough.

28

Tomorrow i will be 28 years old.

I start this blog with my new roommate Kyle Murray's signature quote:
"Work like you've never been hurt,
Love like nobody's watching,
Dance like you don't need the money."

Also a suggested book for those of you who battle between the metaphysical and the scientific: Natural Grace by Matthew Fox and Rupert Sheldrake. This book is hurting my brain and warming my heart. Also, it is reminding me how many different things can all be true at the same time...a limitless universe.

My biggest accomplishments of being 27? The grandest was leaving Toronto. Selling everything i owned and just leaving. It was definitely what i needed to shake up my life.

The greatest discovery? The Centre for Conscious Living and all that followed after.

My darkest day? The walk in the park that confirmed that i could no longer be with Aidan Simpson -- as those dark, foreboding clouds suddenly descended over Wascana...yup, that was pretty much hideous.

What i hope for in my 28th year? CLARITY. Clarity about what I want, where i am going and who i am now that i don't have my obvious guideposts. And CONFIDENCE. Confidence that, without someone to save me, i will float...and then swim...and then find my own lifeboat...and then sail my own wave. Just those 2 things...with a little money and fun and love and health thrown in!

OK....who am i kidding?? I would also like to become a better lindy-hopper, pay off the rest of my student loan, finish all my 100 and 200 SOM classes, visit Tofino, have a fun, lighthearted fling, become the owner of a new car, volunteer for something i believe in, see Casey, keep blogging, memorize one full song on the guitar, kayak, fall in love with Vancouver, decorate my own apartment, touch Dawson City again, perform for the fun of it, sleep in a tent with someone who makes me laugh, be at Joelle's wedding, make another piece of Konkin Art and get good at meditating.

And above all...get me a job i love!

As for a website, i send you all www.blogger.com and hope to see your ponderings in cyberspace where i can be that much closer to you.

Happy Birthday to ME, Happy Birthday to ME, Happy Birthday dear Krista, Happy Birthday to MEEEEEEEEE!

Lindy Hop and the Lap Tops

I've got Kyle's laptop now so i can blog to my heart's content...IN BED!!!

Still no job. Looked at the bank account and am thinking i can make it til the end of the month here, but if no job by then...goodbye Vancouver and hello Moose Jaw.

Last night i went to my first swing dance. It was quite overwhelming. What i did like is that there was a packed room of sober people my age, since they don't serve alcohol at these things. I also loved the music, the big band, the sheer cardiovascular work out. I hated that i pretty much had to sit there by myself the whole night when i wasn't on the dance floor, because Kyle and Eileen and Eric were pretty much off doing their own thing. That was a first in life. A big dance by myself. No friends to gab with, no for sure date to dance with. VULNERABLE!! I figure it was good for me. I did, in fact, meet a cute boy...although i am sure i will never see him again. All in all, i will repeat the experience perhaps, but was happy to go home to bed at the end of the night.

I turn 28 years old in 2 days. I have to admit --- i wish i was bringing in this new year of my life somewhere else. I will blog on Tuesday...set some goals and share my feelings on what it feels like to be approaching 30. SHeesH!

Have my 2nd interview tomorrow with a placement agency. Gotta spend some time today sharpening up my Excel skills.

...and the excitment just keeps coming and coming.

Through the Mist and Fog Come Clarity

Ok, i think i am done having my temper tantrum.

I am going to start attempting to focus on the stuff that is working in my life, instead on that which doesn't seem to be working at all.

Like the walk i took last night.

I believe i have made a new friend. Now, i have been pondering the definition of friend alot these days and have had a hard time coming up with anything definitive. Perhaps a friend is someone with whom you can be yourself and who will offer up their time to support your growth. If that is true, then i do believe a friend has been born. Anyway, we went for a walk last night along the infamous Vancouver Seawall. It was raining and cold and yet it didn't occur to us that that should stop us. We walked and walked and slowly i remembered. I remembered why this place has been in my dreams for over a year. I remembered why i choose peace and tranquillity over anger and panic. It was dark and the mist so thick i could see nothing more than the tiny pinpricks of light on the mountains of West Van. But the ocean was there and life was good. Thank you Eric and thank you Universe that brought me there.

Conversations at Catus Club:
1. What defines cheating?
2. Can one be compassionate AND believe there are no victims?
3. If you agree that death is not a negative experience, then why try to save the world from destroying itself?
5. Why do we either cling to labels or outwardly reject them?

Yes, i have found fellow 'deep talkers' and they are brilliant and unique. It has been a good week. I release my anxiety and harken to a piece of sage advice from the Brian book of Wisdom..."Don't worry...it will all work out in the end...or it won't."

So...tomorrow night i lindy-hop, soon i will be employed and before i know it Vancouver will start feeling like home instead of some silly joke i am playing on everybody.

Or it won't.

Either way, pass the kethup.

Can't See the Forest for the Trees

Wow.

This sucks kinda hard.

I know that everything that i am experiencing (or not experiencing - like employment -haha) is happening exactly as it should, in perfect, right time. I know that i am safe and taken care of ultimately by the universe and there is nothing to fear.

I know it, but sitting here, right now, i don't feel it.

80 Resumes and 1 interview. I have started job hunting again in other cities...thing is...i don't know if it will be any easier anywhere else. I dream of gettting the phone call telling me i have recieved the Artist in Residence. But - all in all - the phone is staying strangely silent. I am staying strong. I fight against my compulsion to take a nap constantly.

I have begun to yearn for the past. Parkdale, friends within blocks, Aidan planting flowers in the back yard, my Firefly all blue and shiny, a clearer definition and support when it got foggy. I 'know' better than to cling to something that no longer exsists and is, in the end, an illusion. The past. I romanticize it and easily forget the times that i sat in front of a computer in Toronto, just like today, lost and afraid.

So, what happens now?

Another suitcase, another hall??

Organically Unemployed with Marijuiana Seasoning

So.

Here i am.

In Vancouver.

And so far it is seeming alot like Toronto...just with mountains in the distance and pot in the air. My instinct is to run, screaming. Have i made a mistake thinking moving here would fill the void? Is this really supposed to be my new found home? Is there something about me that is inherently unemployable? Or is the feeling of struggle just a sure sign that this, again, is not the path i am meant to trod? Isn't it just supposed to feel 'right' when you finally land in the place you belong? Or is that just a bunch of phooey?

The decision felt right, but being here....hmmmm...not so much.

My runners are filled with sand. The beach was lovely. I even made a new friend there...a woman my age with her baby. She gave me a ride home when i mentioned that i got to the beach by bus. She was a kind of angel, i think. Blessings to Rhonda and Tristan.

I am SICK OF SPENDING SO MUCH TIME BY MYSELF. I am deeply afraid that employment is not going to come fast enough.

It's not easy being blue.

They say that blue is natural when you first move to a new place.

Affirm. Rinse. Repeat.

ALL IS WELL. ALL I NEED IS COMING TO ME RIGHT NOW. HAPPINESS IS MINE.

At least strawberries are cheap here.