Stealing Jordan

*Grin*

What a weekend.

I once had a friend that described how he used to nap while riding his mother's whirring vaccuum cleaner. As a toddler he would climb on top of the metal canister, wrap his little arm and legs around it and sleep. He was comforted by the steady hum, the soothing warmth and the safety of having his mother so near.

I think i had a nap-on-a-vaccuum-cleaner moment this weekend. *Grin*

His name is Jordan. I have mentioned him before in past blogs, calling him the 'cute one' of a bunch of guys that i saw a movie with. But Saturday night i got to see him up close. I looked beyond the cover and began reading the book. And i was thrown for a loop with what i found.

The man speaks several languages, has travelled internationally, loves to cook and showed me visual art work that wowed me. He plays the guitar, describes his life passion as 'connecting with people', has never owned a TV, uses trees to heal himself, dedicates his life to Global Sustainability and loves to lindyhop. He fed me vanilla tea when i got cold, answered all my Konkin questions with realness and gave me a bed to sleep on when our talking took us to 6 in the morning.

All this while cuddled on a beanbag chair.

I once thought the man was adorable, but now i am intrigued, warmed, shaken, grinning.

*Grin*

I unveil my home tonight as i host the meditation group. I basically finished it this weekend and it is a work of art. *Grin*

Singing at the Centre was outstanding. Even though i stood up there with 2 hours of sleep under my belt, i sang, 200 people whooped and we were all lifted. *Grin*

Grin. Grin.

OH. And Kevin emailed me. He says he got my letter and he doesn't know what to say.
I like him and he doesn't know what to say. Foolish boy. Perhaps we will talk at the next dance. Perhaps we won't. Whatever. *Grin*

***GRIN****

Help. I can't stop.

*Grin*

*Grin*
*Grin*

Coming Out of the Closet

My secret (or not-so-secret) crush is Kevin Jamieson.

There, i have said it.

For all of cyberspace to read.

Cripes.

Yes, this is the same Kevin i have mentioned in previous blogs. You can research the entity that has had me boggled for 5 months at www.kevinj.ca.

I mailed him a letter (i know, i know...not brave, but as brave as i have right now) on Monday. Which means, by now, he has read it and knows and hasn't responded and - just i thought - doesn't care. Or doesn't know what to do about it. Either way. He knows, a couple other friends of ours know and nothing really has changed. Except i feel lighter. It hurts, but i will survive.

Now, for the rest of my life.

I perform with Spirtsong this Sunday and am singing these crazy gospel tunes. It is just a fantastic workout and a true inspiration...www.cslvancouver.com...

My ex-roommate and multi-talented friend Norbert K. has started his own business and has a most professional website....www.inkstudios.ca...i am just so proud of him i could burst. Check it out.

If you are in a bad mood and/or have an insane sense of humour, you must visit www.badgerbadgerbadger.com... my summer roommate Kyle made me go there when times were tough and my buddy Thom just sent me the link the other day. If it shows up more than once than you know that it is time to make a note to self.

Looking to play Christmas music all day long? Looking for --- well, practically anykind of dedicated radio station? This has been the most amazing find this week...www.accuradio.com... there is even a station dedicated to specific Broadway composers!!! I mean - COME ON! How cool is that???

I am currently listening to a station dedicated to Male Celtic Artists. Pretending i'm standing on the ocean in the Maritimes, seaspray in my face, the wind in my hair, a lighthouse shining a strong beam onto the water, at one with It All.

Spoke to an old old friend yesterday. Alain Therrien. A boy i had a crush on when i was 14? (crushes old and new...). I haven't seen him for over 10 years, but heard through the grapevine that he lived in Whistler and was running his own ski guide company. It was all true. And he sounded exactly the same. So, if you are in BC, looking to downhill, board or heli-ski check out www.skiremotehorizons.com. Love the Alain. Oh, and thank god for Google. It is so helpful when one is a stalker.

...and the office gets busy
...and i have to pee
...and with it all the sun sets at 4:00 and my imaginings stay private
...and i laugh to not cry
...and i scream to move on

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

there, better now.

Unseen Angels

Otherwise known as Asha.

I recieved an email today from a woman named Asha in India. I wanted to put her email on this blog, but i accidentally (??) erased it. It basically said that she reads my blog and is touched by the way i learn from my life experiences and that i write well and that she has sent a friend going through alot to my blog and and and....

And I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Someone asked me today what i wanted to do with the rest of my life and i answered - touch people, empower others, live unconditionally in love, heal, create. Then the ego voice kicked in and said -- 'well, then, you better get going and do something about all these lofty goals'. (Hint to y'all - the 'do do do' voice is usually ego). I shushed the voice, but, by habit, part of me listened and i told myself - ya, you should (that nasty word again) be living these dreams instead of working at an office!

Then, Asha. Her email was the universe gently reminding me that i am touching people, empowering others, healing, creating...i am even making a pretty great stab at loving unconditionally. I don't need to 'do' anything or be ashamed of working in this office or put off these goals for some future time. One day i will make my living doing these things, in some vehicle or other, but i don't need to wait til i am paid for it before i make a difference.

Visit Asha's blog at http://toconstantlywonderafresh.blogspot.com

I will leave you with the English translation of a short poem by Dhoomil that i found on her blog and a wish that today you take account all of your unseen angels.

"...And laughing, he said,
To tell you the truth, sir,
In my eyes
There's no one who is small
And no one that is great
To me every man is a pair of shoes
Who stands before me for repairs..."

WWLD?

I remember hanging out with Kirk and his Christian friends and they would wear these necklaces and braclets with WWJD initials on them. The initials of course stood for "What Would Jesus Do?". I took that sentiment today and gave it a metaphysical twist and asked "What Would Love Do?" Let me explain...

I have been talking about leaping this week, taking chances and saying things out loud that i haven't, til now, had the guts. One example was an email i sent Sara-Jeanne. I knew better than to try and schedule any sort of meeting with her as she doesn't even pick up her phone or return her calls, let alone make effort to hang out. So, i emailed her a letter that just said...i no longer know what more i can do to be part of your life...you have all but disappeared...i love you...i miss you...i hope some day we will regain our closeness...til then...take care. I tried to be firm on the fact that i am no longer open to allowing this kind of treatment to continue while staying loving and gentle.

This morning i got an email back that made me angry -----really raging angry ----for the first time in a looooooong time. SJ had responded by saying that she is disappointed that i emailed her this stuff (from a woman who takes 2 months to return one call), that she is hurt that i am saying this stuff after she took me into her home and let me stay in her bed for 2 weeks (this was right before i took over the apartment from her) and that she knows she has been busy, but she believes she has been a supportive, good friend. Then she ended with some strange comment about hoping how my corporate job wasn't sucking the passion from me (??!) and left it at that.

My head spun for about 3 hours this morning. I had amazing comebacks for every single point, a list of ways in which she has been a horrible friend this past year, how many things i have done for her, how she benefitted greatly from me moving in, how everyone i know is angry at her for her treatment of them....man, i was full of anger. FULL. Then i thought...whoa. Krista. Whoa. You need to step back and look at this. What would love do?

My answers were this. Forgive. Be grateful for the things that she has done for you. Stand firm on what kind of treatment you will allow in your life and let her go gently. Do not respond with defense. Do not choose to be 'right'...choose to be kind - to yourself and her. Agree to disagree. Breathe. Write her a letter that you don't intend to send. Breathe again.

And create. Connect to that unconditionally loving presence in the universe by creating.

So at lunch i went and put together an amazing outfit in a store, shoes and all. Not to buy, just to busy my brain doing something creative.

Then i came back from lunch and decorated the tree at the office. At first i resisted it and wanted to punch people in the face that kept coming into the lobby and saying 'ooooooo...fun....christmas.....' while i was bent over backwards decorating. But as i went into the creative zone and the tree came to life my anger disolved.

The tree looks great. Everyone is impressed. I am still a bit deflated about what these emails mean for the future of me and SJ. But i am back to centre. I see that how she feels is none of my business and i must not let any of it take away this amazing sense of peace that i feel. I will always love her, but not even she has the right to be abusive and neglectful.

This may not be the last time in the next bit that i am presented with people's reactions that will ultimately hurt. I am saying out loud stuff that will make me vulnerable --- but hurting means living and is unfortunately what happens when everyone starts being honest.

Last night, i decided i needed a christmas-y door hanging and so i went out to the park and played in the dark, collecting bits of wet and piney nature. At home i intertwined it all with pieces of scrap ribbon and a few pretty holiday things that jen left behind. It is stunning. I am a creative machine...

Move over Martha Stewart....
Krista J is in the house.

100% Drama Free

This is going to be a big week for me.

I am mailing a letter to the secret crush telling him everything. So, at the end of this week, i will also be blogging his name (instead of calling him the secret crush) and i will be talking about it with friends. I am, in no uncertain terms, coming out of the closet. I am ready to release this 'issue' by using honesty and deflating the excitment that secrets create. I am ready to move on.

So, i ask myself, if i don't have this to stress about, i am left with literally nothing in my life that resembles drama. Nothing that causes me stress, upsets me, sits in my thoughts hour after hour, gives me something to talk about. I could potentially be 100% drama free. I don't think i have ever EVER been 100% drama free. I believe that is what some would call complete contentment. I am curious, i am intrigued, i am even a little bit frightened.

I will let you know how it feels. Perhaps more of us should try it on for size...

MY APARTMENT ROCKS ASS! Bit by bit, project by project, day by day my apartment is becoming my sanctuary. I need to find a house tree and some unfinished pine letters, develop some photos, create the wall art...i mean, i am far from finished, but WOW it already feels different being at home. I sat on the floor staining shelves and listening to the Love Actually Soundtrack last night, little white lights twinkling and my knee poking out of my favorite, destroyed 'paint jeans' and i was sooooo happy. So happy. Nesting. I love it.

Writing out my Christmas wish list, listening to John Mayer and asking this question: is it more painful for something to just 'fade' than it is for there to be a distinct and justifiable reason for a relationship to end? Can evolving away from each other ever leave us feeling ok about the situation? Is it possible that one could choose to like someone who they are sure doesn't return the feeling because it is a safe way of caring, but not having to act on it?

Hmmmmmmm.

I send you all a world of sockettes, smells of cinnamon, Lush face products, hudson bay blankets, video clips of adorable nieces saying hello, Greek food with a hottie and parking spots right in front.

Brent David - Part II

In light of my 4th set of married friends officially seperating and an email from someone i have hurt, i write this ode to brent.

There are people who appear out of thin air and the moment you speak to them you are certain that you have, somewhere along the line, spent many lifetimes together. There are people who, in a sentence, can drive you to know them. There are people who only stay a short time, but have a long term effect on you. There are people you are proud to have said you shared your heart with. There are also people that you are so damned attracted to that, even after you have walked away, the mere thought of them makes you blush.

Brent David was one of these people. I don't look at our 2 months together and think 'failed' just because it didn't last longer. I think back to sitting in a dark trailor on the side of a remote mountain with a phone pressed to my ear and a grin plastered on my face. I think back to standing beside the ocean and drinking in those delectable kisses, passionatly arguing artistic versus corporate merit at the Cat's Meow. I think back to being entangled in each other on the floor of the sunroom, laughing as those crazy band members sang vulgar lyrics downstairs on their bass player's behalf. I think Brent David and i smile. That, to me, is success, not failure. Time is no tool for measuring value.

And do i miss him now? Yes. Often, i do. But i miss many many wonderful souls that were once in my life, that are no more. I have never been great at letting go and/or forgetting. I have, however, come to understand that i can't keep everyone i have loved and have begun to learn how to move on gracefully. If i believed i would bring Brent David happniess and not heartache right now to his life, then perhaps ... but i am convinced that it was exactly as it should have been considering where we are at...

I hate hurting people. If i could only ever make people smile, i would. But i, too, am human and flawed and scared and make sketchy choices sometimes. I am learning.

To Erin: first things first, figure out what you want. This might take awhile, but it will be the key to making so many other things clear. I love you.

If anyone out there has some answers on how to do this relationship thing, let me know.
There is Mars and there is Venus...

but please tell me there's a Saturn.

Roy G. Biv

Last night i sat on the bus home from work and the woman in front of me started crying. At first, it was quiet and she attempted to hide it, but soon it erupted into sobbing. She was a very normal looking woman, early 30's, coming home from a day of regular old work. The bus was super crowded. And there she was, a foot away from me, sobbing for all to see.

So what happenned?

Everyone started to move away from her. You would have thought that she was vomiting on herself. The person sharing her seat got up and stood at the other end of the bus. Others squished themselves as far away as possible and everyone, including me, looked the other direction. TOUCH HER, a voice urged me. ASK HER IF SHE NEEDS ANYTHING...FIND HER SOME KLEENEX...DO SOMETHING...it prompted. But i was frozen. I was afraid of her rawness, of whether or not she would snap at me if i invaded her space, of what the right thing to do would be in that moment. So i did nothing. Ok, not nothing. I leaned forward, to get as close to her as i could without touching and i visualized sharing with her some of the peaceful, loving energy that pulses through me these days. We sat like that for 15 minutes. When i got up to get off the bus, she followed. Outside, we flew in different directions. I was shaken. I was concerned.

I was envious.

It has been a long time since i have cried like that and despite my feeling of goodwill and contentment, i know that i have a mini-storehouse of emotion not yet released, waiting.

I wonder if that is why i am doing alot of emotionally brave, leaping stuff lately - trusting the net, pushing my own comfort levels. I am not wanting to destroy the peace, but i am not wanting the peace to ever become numbness. I want my happiness in life to be made up a full experience of all the emotional colors - a rainbow of feeling.

Today - a little red with how the crush treated me again last night, a bunch of orange warmth as my apartment becomes a home, yellow pride that i remain healthy in an office of flus and colds, green stomache turning envy as i walked by a couple kissing passionatly on the sidewalk, blue serene melody of my ideal life wrapped around me, indigo anticipation of the upcoming honesty and violet as the fear smashes into the love and explodes in a perfection of humaness.

Me and Roy - mono et mono.

10 Cent Wings

He said, "Come to the Edge."
I said, "I can't, I'm afraid."
He said, "Come to the Edge."
I said, "I can't. I'll fall off."
He said, finally, "Come to the Edge."
And I came to the Edge.
And he pushed me.
And I flew.
— Guillaume Apollinaire (1880-1918)

This quote ties in so nicely with a song i must suggest - 10 Cent Wings by Jonatha Brooke:

"If I knew what I was after, I'd remember where I'd been
If I was sure of something better, I'd go, I'd go
But I am just another picture, and I watch myself like you
I imagine what you're thinking,
I know, I know
Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings, tried and true
Orbiting like satellites I'll sail away, with you
I will love across the borders, I will wait until it's dark
I will fly and you'll be with me,
my wings, your heart
then our memory may fail us and our language will go too
Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings,
tried and true
Orbiting like satellites I'll sail away, with you

But I'll never tell, I'll never say, I'll never be that brave

Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings, tried and true
In another life you are with me, and I'm with you
Ten cent wings, I'll take two
Pin them to my sweater and I'll sail above the blue
Ten cent wings, tried and true
In another life you are with me, and I'm with you"

I will, in fact, tell, though. I have written a letter and i will end this charade soon.
More on that later.

I spent the weekend with 4 people in my one bedroom and everything in boxes and undone. It challanged my control-freak tendencies and brought me joy. Today i said goodbye to Jennie. As i hugged her on the busy street corner, her hair got caught in my lipgloss and the unfamiliar Vancouver sun poked through the clouds and i felt love unlike anything a boy has inspired in me for years. My house will be quiet tonight.

Love to McCallum - he represents everybody's deepest fear ... kicking and missing. But i would rather be kicking than on the sidelines, safe while i judged.

Slowly the crecendo fades and a lighter melody takes over. I must set some shorter term goals. I must pay my bills. I must fix my hair issues.

But for now, i breathe and am
A sad, knowing smile
On a rainy day in me.

Jane

5 years ago today Jane left us.
She was both truthfully afraid and completely graceful when she said goodbye.
Or so i heard.
I never got to be there in person.
She decided to let go of her human form as i was flying in a plane from Vancouver to Calgary to say farewell.
But i easily believe that she made even dying look classy.
I miss her.
I miss her because in a family of 'let's look at this realistically' people, she would simply get up off the couch, put on her coat and shoes and do it.
I miss her for Alex who will be blessed in many ways, but won't ever know the one thing in my life that has brought me the most joy - a mother.
I miss her for Sean who, in losing her, didn't crumple like most would have, but has become a man that i am so distinctly proud to call my brother.
Believe what you will, but i know she - the energy that was her passion, her personality, her mind, her love - did not go anywhere. The illusion is that she left. The truth is we are just now more challanged as to how to communicate with her.
She can hear me, my thoughts, as i type this.
So,
Jane, thank you. I miss you. I love you.
We are ok here. We are taking care of each other. Alex is absolutely amazing. I know you are so proud of her. We all are.

'Lest we forget...
we blog to remember.

Looking for Krista?

Quick recap for all of those who are redirected here for Konkin location advice:

I NOW LIVE IN VANCOUVER.

My mailing address is:
206-404 East 8th Ave.
Vancouver, BC V5T 1S5

MY ONLY PHONE NUMBER IS THIS:
604-518-7154.
unless you wanna call me at work and then call 604-630-5020. i pretty much live there.

I AM NOT DOING THEATRE.
I am working at a Real Estate Investment Firm.
Read entire blog starting in June for story of WHY.
Yes, i like it. Mostly. I call it my transitional vehicle.
No, i don't miss theatre.

MY HOBBIES: studying Science of Mind through corespondance, lindyhopping, taking a meditation class and singing in a choir called SpiritSong.

AM I HAPPY? very. very very.

LOVE LIFE? i am extremely single. i dated someone this summer that lasted about 2 months and then faded. he was lovely. am currently struggling with a drama i call my 'secret crush'. basically i am haunted by a young, emotionally unavailable former friend who doesn't know i exist.
Keep checking my BLOG for updates.

CAR? the newest addition to my life...mom's former Nissan Altima.

THINGS I AM CURRENTLY GRATEFUL FOR: the car, jennie's furniture finally arriving, jennie herself, this great paycheck i get every 2 weeks, freedom at work, my swing community, my friendship with god, powerade, my flight home at christmas, weekends, all those men and women who died for an ideal we take for granted called freedom, ikea.

THINGS THAT I AM CURRENTLY WHINING ABOUT: the cost of parking, this wart-like thing on my finger, having to fix everything for these very important but slightly clueless staff execs, technology that breaks down, moving companies, how freaking tired i am today, feelings for someone you wished didn't affect you at all.

In a nutshell. That is my life.

Questions anyone?

10 Shades of Suck

This is how many people in my life are presently describing their lives : 10 Shades of Suck.

Makes me feel slightly guilty for being so damn happy.

I had an extra-ordinary weekend. Jennie and i are a power couple. Everywhere we turn people are asking us if we are sisters or twins or some such thing. The dance on Saturday was...shocking? dramatic? progressive? I dunno. Having Jen there made the whole thing feel so different. I have never had a safe social harbour to go before - i loved it. I also got up the guts to dance with a couple of leads that i have not had the confidence to dance with yet. To top it off i spoke to someone that i have not spoken to in awhile. This last item has been what has stolen my thoughts since its occurance. I am exhausting myself trying to figure out a situation that involves a man. You would think at 28 i would know how useless that is.

But, then again, you would also think at 28 i wouldn't be listening to Clay Aiken's Invisible and brooding about my secret crush.

Fuck "being 28". I yam what i yam.

A littel bit child-like, a little bit perfectionist, a little bit extrovert, a little bit teen angst.

Tain't black and white...
...but who would've thunk that grey could be so beautiful?

You With A Capital Why

A poem that i wrote the other night...


Things at the the top of my 'to do' list this month
And Get Over You
Seems to be the first
if not
the most important

Dig deep to find the fun
and then through fun
to where there is still saddness

Find a Stopping Place
In the Alone-ness

Do a few things brave.
Nest.
Cry.
Let anything outside of the NOW
take care of itself.

Hydrate.

Meditate on Truth behind Rejection and
give someone a chance to surprise me

Dance and stay humble
Floss and seek kind

Recieve and Release my financial gifts
Be one of those people who 'doesn't get sick'

Do that
which brings joy

Eat the Donut
Forget
The
Hole

D is for Donut

D is also for Divorce.

Surreal for me to get the news that my friends Martine and Cory, who were married 2 weeks after Jennie and Eric, are suddenly split up. Everyone's marriage is ending or faltering and my negativity toward marriage is building and building. Which i don't want. I want primary relationships to work. I want to believe that i will, someday, have a partnership that works. I must start knocking down my negative wall and spend my time creating this belief system.

So for Jennie and any and all of my friends going through a place of ending/beginning, death/birth that things like divorce bring...i give you a new song by Shaye www.shayemusic.com ...Jennie said she heard it on the radio and felt like it was me saying these things to her:

"So you've come to this bridge
In an unfamiliar land
You know it's a bridge you are going to walk on
And the only thing you know is
Everything you know
Will do you no good from here on

And the day that you spin
From your little cocoon
Well, you can't be prepared
For the beauty you'll find there
And you will find beauty
In the toughest of places
And I will be thinking of you out there

So pick up your bags
Look around at your friends
And you know none of them
Would ever have enough strength
To cross the bridge and lose control
I never felt this bold
Never felt this good

And the day that you spin
From your little cocoon
Well, you can't be prepared
For the beauty you'll find there
And you will find beauty
In the toughest of places

And I will be thinking of you
Stay true to your nomad skies
Keep your eyes out for coyote
A thousand secrets are lost
In the archival dust

So lay your ears upon the tracks
One day you will come back
With wrinkled hands and grey hair
And there you will stand on the spot
And you'll marvel how the place is still the same
Though you are somebody else now
Fly on butterfly

And the day that you spin
From your little cocoon
Well, you can't be prepared
For the beauty you'll find there
And you will find beauty
In the toughest of places
And I will be thinking of you out there "


As for the Donut reference...see next entry...

Bushwacked

Ug. George W. Bush. Man, it is like voting Pro-War. It is a scary thing, his being re-elected. A scary thing indeed.

Today i feel like a corporate slug. I am bored bored bored at work, rushing along the downtown streets with the other zombie like office people, pale and puffy. Today i want to go home.

I am grow infinitly more and more restless about my secret crush...it feels like a bad rash that i itch and itch in a fit of pleasure and pain, a rash that i have no cream to heal, that makes me feel ugly and uncomfortable. Sigh. I gotta tell him. I gotta purge this from my system.

I'm at odds.

I'm the picture of discontent in this exact moment.

I want to medicate this feeling with something - food? sex? blogging?

Perhaps D'uane O'Kane's talk tonight will feed this disgruntled feeling i have...www.clearmind.com...

I may as well end this blog sooner than later. 9 minutes to freedom.

lkasdf;lkajsd;lfa;sldjf;oiasndf; xnvccjjhbtusg;idfja;lkj

Sigh.

At The Window By Mark Nepo

I read a poem and it resonates. I add it to my blog in case it might resonate with you.
And so it goes:

"I was at the window
when a fly near the latch
was on its back spinning-legs furious, going nowhere.


I thought to swat it
but something in its struggle
was too much my own.


It kept spinning and began to tire.
Without moving closer, I exhaled
steadily, my breath a sudden wind
and the fly found its legs,
rubbed its faceand flew away.


I continued to stare at the latch
hoping that someday,
the breath
of something incomprehensible
would right me and
enable me to fly. "

God Jar

This is the name of the imaginary band inside my head. God Jar. I see the T-shirts and the CD with a whole lotta liner notes.

I was a bully about the blogging and VOILA! Please visit my best friend's blogsite at www.jenniegrado.blogspot.com.

Oh, and my friends Ian's new, very cool website at www.iansherwood.com ... and listen to The Last Word...a brilliantly written angry/sad mid-tempo ballad...boy angst all the way.

My weekend was kinda cool, kinda wierd. I intended to go to What The Bleep Do We Know on Friday night by myself - a little Krista date - and ended up jammed between 3 single men - one of whom was terribly cute. I just sorta mentioned that i was heading to a movie after dance class and all these guys decided they wanted to check it out, too. At the end of the night, as one of them drove us all home, we dropped the 'cute one' (how shallow am i being by giving him that label?) off at his house and GUESS WHERE HE LIVES??? In the exact same house that Seth (Aidan's friend) lived in and then Sara-Jeanne lived and in and now Allison and Jeremy live in. I mean, of all the homes in Vancouver, how does everyone i know come to live in this exact same house??

Saturday i spent with Ryan in North Vancouver. And Saturday night i put on a red wig, painted a P on my shirt, blacked out an eye and went swing dancing as a Black Eyed Pea. Sunday morning i sang some crazy gospel song to a room of about 200 people. In the afternoon i got an amazing Shiatsu massage and last night i lay on my couch and contemplated the world.

BUT TODAY I GET MY CAR AND MY JENNIE.

So, as of right now, Monday is kicking the weekend's ass.

I am still needing some advice regarding my secret crush. Ignoring him is energy draining for me, because when he is in the room i am so incredibly aware, and i care so incredibly much, that this ignoring thing is just so false. Yet, he ignores me with such ease, joy and grace. I hate being false, but i also hate trying to connect with someone who treats me like cellophane. When he speaks to me, which is pretty much never, i respond with kindness (aka joy). Otherwise, i FORCE myself to forget that he is sucking the breath from my chest by his very presence.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I have successfully regressed to Grade 6.

If anyone has any advice...or life experience dealing with a situation like mine...please please please let me know.

And then if we could pretend like we never had the conversation, that would be swell. Just so i don't have to be reminded how juvenille i am being.

I will leave y'all with this quote:
"Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of habit. " **** Somerset Maugham

Somerset also said this: 'What mean and cruel things men do for the love of God.' If you are doing mean and cruel things, you are doing them for your ego, not god. Write your own bible, people, and we'll compare notes.