The Middle of Nowhere Contact Info

"It would be wonderful indeed if a group of persons should arrive on earth who were for something and against nothing." ---Ernest Holmes

Seems i know what i don't want in terms of purpose...but not quite what i want...

Then there is this...SARK www.campsark.com relates that before becoming a best-selling author she had tried over 300 jobs (or was it 600?) in search...she says it is a delightful way to find out what you don't want to do...

That is all i am going to say about my current situation.

Mailing Address: Krista J. Konkin
c/o La Casa Kelowna
6808 Westside Rd.
South Fintry, BC V1Z 3R8
wkph: 250-26o-4891
cell: 250-718-8379

Call me. Email me. Think of me.

I will wait for you up here ...on the top of the mountain... in the wind.

Chaos in Kelowna

This is hilarious.

I am living in a trailor with no real shower and not alot of water and have been handed a job that is an undefined as the project.  I have an amazing view of the lake, but no internet signal unless i venture into the woods and hunt down a wireless connection, a phone that i can't use to call out, but never stops ringing and a list of TO DOs that is long and completely incomprehensible.  I struggle to understand what a POA is versus a PRA, i say the words Strata and foreclosure and property value with flair while wondering what i could possibly be talking about and i return to my trailor at the end of the night to crawl into my sleeping bag and wonder, once again, how i got here. 

I just keep laughing. I know that will be the only way i will survive.

Jennie has left Eric and has been offerred a dream job in Vancouver.  I want this job to work out so that i have a reason, purpose and income to keep me in the Van City where she and i can live together and pave new paths for our new dreams.  I don't know if this pipe dream will manifest, but it is what keeps me here at La Casa ( the name of the resort). Well, there is possibly more than one thing...

I spent Sunday with a man named Brent.  There are alot of things that i could say about this day, but i don't want to try and pin it down yet.  Sunday was spent in a haze and Sunday night in a dream-like state.  He makes me smile and he grants me escape.  I know not why, but he seems completely familiar and totally surreal. 

This of course stirs up feelings of guilt in regards to Aidan...who is also returning to Vancouver in a month.  Although, i know better in my old age...and i have said this before..many things can be true all at the same time.

Like the fact that i want to go home right now and i want to stay and excel.

Like the fact that i feel completely fulfilled and totally still at a loss.

Like the fact that i would kill for a shower and ....

ok, no, truly....i would kill for a shower.

Employed Again

So I will share one of my unexpected surprises.

I am moving to Kelowna.

I have been hired by my cousin's Real Estate company to represent a resort property on Okanagan Lake as they attempt to sell it off to investors.  Today I was given not only a job, but a car, a cell phone, a laptop, one thousand dollars in petty cash (petty??) and the explanation that I would mostly be creating the job as I went along.  They told me that I could be there for one month or I could be there for four months.  They also mentioned that if this all goes well I will most likely keep some sort of position with 20/20 at their Vancouver office.

I leave Tuesday.

So, I guess I am not moving back to Saskatchewan just yet.  Or at all. How do I feel about this sudden opportunity? Grateful. Shocked. Overwhelmed. Amused. Intrigued. Excited. Disappointed. Amazed.

I see the pros and cons...a paycheck and perks, a job that could potentially be very satisfying and fun, a stunning location to work in, a company that could create more work for me in the future, a reason to stay in BC. Cons-I know no one in Kelowna, I have no clue what this job will truly entail or if I will be able to do it, it is happening really fast and then there is this one other little detail...

But I can't tell you everything in one night.

I feel a little bit like I am on a practical joke TV show - the fact that last week I was sitting in my room, staring at walls, aimless, floating, just trying to breath through my panic and today I have a Toyota Corolla sitting out front, a cell phone in my purse and a whole lot of responsibility...

Sara-Jeanne even called.

I am going to try and use it as a retreat. A retreat from the retreat.  A place to assess where all this 'finding myself' has gotten me. I am going to eat fruit and swim in the lake and create spreadsheets and ride the beginning of what I think might be an emerging wave.

(Cue Music) I'm gonna run through the halls of my high school, i'm gonna scream at the top of my lungs, I just found out there's no such thing as the real world...

Just a lie you've got to rise above.

Unexpected Song

I had all these wise and profound things to relate tonight that i brought home with me from another session with the Clearmind gang...but as i sit here now, staring at the screen, i can't remember one thing.

Oh, okay, one thing...in many ways we are living as a reaction to the story we tell ourselves about our families.

I know it is true for me. Or has been true in the past.
But i can't concentrate on such academic topics right now.

Right now i feel like singing.

There is news on my horizon...changes...in more than one area of my life...but they feel fragile still, fledgling and not final enough to share.  What i can share is that no matter where your life is one day, it can look very different the next.  That sometimes you have to fall to your knees completely before you will begin to rise.  Last week i was on my knees. Today i feel stirrings of a melody i call hope...perhaps tomorrow i will fly.

Wayne Dyer's new book The Power Of Intention...brilliant.  I especially noted the section that suggests writing your 'dying words' now, today, in this moment...if you did, what would you say? More importantly, what would these preparing for death words say about how you live while alive?

...and for anyone suffering from poetry withdrawl...Hafiz...Sufi poet extrodanaire...he's damn funny, too...

I will also leave you with the Clearmind website...www.clearmind.com...as it has one of D'uane's talks as an audio file...he inspires insights...and what could be yummier?

Perhaps Broadway Station at 3pm on a Sunday?

 

 

 

 

To Edit or Not to Edit

I have been blogging now for a couple of months and only recently has it occurred to me that people that I am just getting to know may be reading my blogs.  It is just now occurring to me that perhaps I should watch what I say...paint myself in a better light...edit my truth.  What is that all about?  Why is being totally truthful something that only seems appropriate after the two people have established trust? Up until that point does one benefit from hiding the less attractive thoughts and feelings away...??
 
What is my truth right now?  What do I know for sure? In a sea of uncertainty - what is true about me?
 
I am not unhappy. In fact I am astounded at how many times a day I am still blown away at how blessed I am...yesterday, for example...hanging out on Granville Island, playing guitar, singing, throwing a frisbee, going back to Kevin's for a BBQ...I totally understood how, from afar, we were the picture of youthful, summer, carefree fun.  That is my life on many levels.
 
Did it mean I was any less lost in what choices I should be making? No. Did it mean that I am convinced that Vancouver is the place I belong? No. Did it erase my pain about Mike's cancer or The Invisible Friends or my financial woe? No. But yesterday was a good day none the less and this I am certain of: my life is pretty fantastic, even in its mixed up state.
 
I am certain that it is all happening perfectly, even the stuff that is a struggle.
I am certain that whatever happens I will never regret moving here.
I am certain that today is not the end of this chapter.
I am certain that I could be happy and miserable and joyful and ignored and adored and frightened and brave anywhere in the world...that now it is becoming about where it is I can best feed myself...
 
I am certain that I  want to be authentic. If it scares someone away then I am saddened that they did not choose to see what might lie behind the words....I will not worry, though, as I believe that truth is the sexiest thing going...
 
That, and nice forearms.  

The End of I Don't Know

It has been suggested that I try to remove the statement 'I don't know' from my vocabulary.
 
Now, this is asking a lot in a life like I have right now when there are constant inqueries about stuff that I seriously don't have clear answers to...but the argument is that, on some level, I DO know...that the more honest answers are 'Don't bug me, I don't want to think about it' or ' Still exploring. I will let you know what I find'. I am intrigued and am willing to grasp onto any tiny thing that might ease this ache in my soul and nausea in my stomach.
 
Went to the hospital to visit Mike again today only to find that he had been discharged.  The biopsy results yesterday showed his tumor to be a extragonadal nonseminoma germ cell cancer. In other words, rare but treatable.  He starts chemotherapy on Monday.  I have total faith that he is going to kick this thing in the ass.  I just hope that now that he isn't held captive in a hospital I will still get a chance to see him. 
 
This has been a shitty week.
 
I hit a wall so hard yesterday that today I called a counselor.  She got me in right away and I am going back tomorrow. I need help to figure out my next steps. I am becoming paralyzed with fear, emotionally exhausted and ashamed at how long it is taking me to establish this new life.  I like her.  I am glad that I am going.
 
Speaking of going...Jennie has told me that she will supply me with a flight home if I want it.  I may just do it.  I may just go home.  I may just chalk this up to bad timing.  We will see.
 
Dancing was fun tonight. I closed my eyes and allowed the hot night, the cool ocean breeze and the music to be my medication. It worked, the wounds feel less raw...
 
"I'm climbing uphill, Daddy, climbing uphill..."

The Unanswerable Question

Why me??

That is what Mike is asking himself right now. Mike has been diagnosed with cancer, the tumour is the size of a grapefruit and the biopsy is still with the pathologists.

Five days ago he was just a guy walking the down the street with a bit of a cough.

Tonight he is lying in a hospital bed scared as hell. And i am witnessing the fear of a man and a family i don't really know. I am, once again, on the periphery...not entirely unwelcome, but not quite belonging. My life has suddenly been made to seem very small in comparison with what is happenning inside that hospital room and yet i am not entirely positive that i should even be there. The problem is i care. I hurt for him, i fear for him, i long to heal him. It doesn't really matter to me that i barely know him - for god's sake i don't even really know if i would like him - right now, i am overwhelmed with love for this person.

It saddens me also that he is a complete and utter atheist and cynic. As far as he is concerned when his body gives out on him that will be the end, period. I respect his beliefs and even understand their validity...but i want so badly to hold him and instill him with hope that a)we have the power to defy what doctors and medicine and science say and b)this journey in our bodies will end but something neverending is occurring and we are all apart of it. I suppose i also want to tell him that there is nothing to fear - like a good Course in Miracles student...but that one is not possible presently as i am feeling too much fear myself to convince anyone else of that fact.

I am so sick of being the one in the room that everyone looks at and thinks 'who's she?'. I am angry at those i thought were my friends and yet not quite familiar yet with those i have only started to call friends. I long for Aidan ...if only just to know that he is healthy and alive. He can hate me, as long as he is healthy and safe. I feel like i am buzzing with a million different emotions. I don't cry at all when i am in the hospital room and can't stop crying when i exit it.

This is not what i thought my summer 2004 would look like...

I was hoping for more of a "beer commercial" angle...

Micheal, as a stranger and friend, i love you...would it were strong enough to allow you to awaken from this nightmare, you would dream gently, always.

Making Movies

TODAY Iain, Kane and i made Jennie a birthday movie.

I am so proud of it i invite you all to view it at www.thesummeryears.com

TONIGHT i went to the swing dance and thought...blaaaaa...and the minute i let one negative thought overtake me i was deluged with the old familiar panic...where do i belong? who do i belong to? where will i get the money to pay for my dance classes? why don't i have a job? who can i trust? why is my instinct to run? what is aidan doing right now? ...and GOD i have got to do laundry...

TOMORROW... i will start again. Sort the colors from the whites...rework my own plot...

NOW, i am going to sleep.

The rest is all illusion anyway...

Visiting Hours

A completely different way of knowing that my life, as lost and broke and directionless as it is, is pretty much fantastic.

When i first got here i met a guy, a friend of a friend. He was what i would call 'datable' and 'flirt worthy' and beyond all that ... a really good guy. He had to spend most of June away doing a contract and i have been patiently awaiting his return in order to get to know him better.

I just got off the phone with the friend that introduced us and it seems that this gentleman is in the hospital. They found something on his lungs (he's been coughing non-stop for over a month) and they have admitted him to do some tests. So, this boy who i thought i would invite for a walk on the beach, i will now be seeing today in the hospital. Boom. Quick as that. I am ... a bit stunned. I am alot humbled.

And again, i learn.

Live your life. LIVE it. Stop worrying and complaining and fearing...if you are alive and walking around and healthy and strong enough to be able to list the things that suck about your day - you are blessed. I am suddenly very aware of how great it is to be sitting on this bed, laptop on my lap, exsisting.

Now, i must go. Visiting hours aren't always as long as we think they should be...

Avalanche

Yesterday i heard Duane O'Kane speak for the first time. These are some of the things that he said that i really 'heard'...

Be in the anxiety. Vibrate in it, stew in it, sit in it...don't act out by gettting angry or depressed and don't act in by establishing some addiction...don't be so quick to get rid of it...it is a gift. Inside the pain you will learn.

So, i woke up today and thought...even this hell is heaven. I am afraid and i am happy and i am lost and i am safe. All at the same time...these things are true.

I also went to check out this massage school yesterday ... and am pretty sure it is a little too expensive for me. So, i am researching schools back home and surprisingly the thought of returning home to study is ... kinda .... lovely. And i am still holding out hope that a beautiful job will fall into my lap.

Ah, another lesson was this...don't pursue it, don't resist it. Just let it be whatever it is.

I am going to try and use that in regards to men.

And this...what could be cooler than witnessing your own life? Which is exactly why i blog...so that i can watch myself go through all this...even when i am having a tempertantrum i enjoy looking down on myself and smiling...because it is all good really in the end, isn't it?

Thing about having my new perspective is that even the crappy days have a different backdrop...the path doesn't change...just the way in which you walk down it...

It ain't easy street, but i am kinda starting to enjoy these bumps.

Be Careful What You Ask For...You Might Just Get It

I just woke up from the most incredible sleep. I realize that i haven't slept soundly...or at least i haven't slept that hard for a long time. I dreamnt of a woman named Ruby Berger. I don't know a Ruby Berger. Hmmmmm...I woke up feeling slightly changed. Odd, but good...

So, here is where i am at...

I am now thinking that perhaps i should go back to school. It is obvious that i can't compete in the non-theatre working world without more education and especially if i want to make money doing something that brings me any sort of satisfaction. Thing is...i intended to spend this year paying off my debts, not getting myself further into debt. The thought of immersing myself back into something that would inspire me is exciting...the thought of building back up my student loans to 30K again is not.

If i was to study i am thinking about massage therapy. There is work for RMTs and i have always had an affinity. I would love the work atmosphere and it would tie in perfectly with my SOM classes and my ultimate goal of helping to empower those around me.

Then i think about Princess Cruises calling me this month to go work on a cruise for 6 months to a year and i wonder if that wouldn't make more sense right now. Just keep away from all the expenses and do things that allow me to bank the money. I am wildly aware these days of how little i have keeping me here...keeping me anywhere.

Moments of panic still engulf me and then i am convinced that i must just go home - now - and stop this insanity.

Cynthia, my older cousin, has also just emailed me and is making it sound like she might be able to create work for me - part-time at first - working within her Real Estate world. Could it be family that will ultimately pull through for Krista??

I am swirling in a sea of possibilities and choices and confusion and potential...and i am doing it alone. Not alone, but alone. This is what i told Aidan i wanted and this is what i am getting...ten fold. I love the thought that i am probably in the middle of creating my own wave, as i like to say, but DANM i never thought this birthing process was gonna be so painful!

It is also interesting to note how much i want to find a boy...a fun, dating experience... but why??...to distract me?...or to cling to?...or to stroke my ego?...

It is also interesting that i have lived here 5 weeks and still haven't purchased any groceries...

...and i wonder why i am hungry...

Kevin J and Iain McB

If someone would have told me one year ago that i would be living in Vancouver on July 1st, 2004, sitting in an apartment with two men i just met (and a bird) talking about ugly genitalia and eating oddly phallic frozen gel sticks - i wouldn't have believed it.

Not that i am complaining...not about these men...these two are a chapter i will not easily forget...

Happy Birthday Canada. Is it really already July...what's going on?? Will i be staying? Will i be back in Saskatchewan? Will i be laying on a beach somewhere in the Bahamas??

Oh, and my new nickname is "G" === you will have to ask them what that could possibly stand for...

I can not concentrate as these men are too sexy for me to be ignoring.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...lucky woman i am....